Letter Advice + Coming Out w/ Communication Issues

[KoreyCabra]

I have an issue that I am not sure how to deal with in it's current form. It reminds me a lot of when I told my mother that I was bisexual, because at the time I was dating a cis girl. My mother and I have been through a lot, and most of the "real talk" situations were pretty bad. I have been assaulted by her bf in the past, police were involved. Just a lot of very horrible and sad memories involving trust and her listening to what I tell her. She's kind of bullheaded and sometimes we argue and a lot of the time I just stay locked up in my room. The aforementioned bf is still in the picture, never went to jail despite being a paedophile.

But the issue comes with me making the jump from just being bisexual to me actually identifying as FTM. I'm not sure how she will react, because she has gay friends and it was kind of simple to come out except for the fact I'm a single child. I have always struggled to have vocal conversations with her, so I wrote a letter out. I am unsure if I should post it here for everyone to read or comment on, I do not know if that sort of thing is appropriate. But here is a link: http://pastebin.com/JAsBeaa2 and it expires in a month.

However, I am moving out of her house for the second time over the summer, and I was going to mail or send her a copy of the letter on facebook. I do not know if this is rude or impolite, or just distant to not tell her at face value. I feel really guilty but I do not feel as if I have the strength to do it on my own. We've always had this communication issues and it just makes me feel worse on the inside.

She's worked as a nurse in the past and did do treatments on transgender patients, so I'm wondering if that will either help me or hurt me. She loves me and she once told me growing up that I was the reason she was still here...this also frightens me. I do not want her to hurt herself or me to ruin things with her boyfriend, who is bigoted, a creep, and as much as I hate it..he makes her happy and I feel replaced/not welcome. That is why I am hellbent on sending the letter once I am out of earshot.

[BeverlyAnn]

I wouldn't say it's rude or impolite at all.  Most of the time in this type of situation, we aren't going to be thinking clearly and what we want to express may not be what we say.  My letter to family will be mailed to everyone except one person who has always been more like a brother than a cousin.  With him I will give him the letter to read even though I'm there.  Another reason for mail is most of our family live hundreds if not a couple of thousand miles away.

One thing.  Go back and proof read your letter.  I saw one instance where it sounded like you wanted you mother to blame herself for the situation.  The "not" in bold should be deleted.

I have been transgender all this time and I did not know. Or maybe I did. I was ashamed to admit it to myself and I was afraid of confessing to you. That you would not love me anymore, that you would not blame yourself, or that you would think I'm crazy.

[KoreyCabra]

I wouldn't say it's rude or impolite at all.  Most of the time in this type of situation, we aren't going to be thinking clearly and what we want to express may not be what we want to say.  My letter to family will be mailed to everyone except one person who has always been more like a brother than a cousin.  Even with him I will give him the letter to read even though I'm there.  Another reason for mail is most of our family live hundreds if not a couple of thousand miles away.

One thing.  Go back and proof read your letter.  I saw one instance where it sounded like you wanted you mother to blame herself for the situation.  The "not" in bold should be deleted.

Thanks. I'll work on it. It's definitely not the first draft of it. When I wrote it the first time I wasn't in the best of sorts. I thought about doing a general letter to send to other people except those are really close but I haven't thought that far. I have tons of drafts everywhere and I've been using it as a coping mechanism. I appreciate your help.