More or fewer friends?

[NerissaGrace]

I was attending one of my monthly support groups a couple of days ago. One of the women there said something that felt really important to me. She said that prior to transition, she had very few friends and felt very isolated. After transition, her circle of friends expanded dramatically and she feels much less isolated. In my case, I have not begun to live full time (or much at all) as a female yet. I expect to begin living full time later this year.

This resonates with me because I also struggle with feeling like I connect with many people in my life. I have a close relationship with my sister, and one female friend who I can share everything with, but we live a thousand miles apart and talk only every month or so. I am married, but it has often been difficult and we are separating (for reasons largely unrelated to transition). I am out to all three of these women. Beyond that, however, I have people I know from work and virtual Facebook friends, of course, but those aren't the same. I look at my life and struggle to understand how I have become so isolated in many ways.

I really want to hear and understand the experiences of other trans* individuals. Did you find that when you were finally able to live authentically full-time in your gender that you became more open to friendships? That other people wanted to form more friendships with you? Were your new friends more from others in the trans community, your authentic gender, or was it unrelated? Or did you have the opposite experience? Did you find your circle of friends diminished due to non-acceptance or other reasons?

The reason I'm posting this is not because I want to conduct a poll. I know everyone's path looks different, but getting some input on this from others in the community (not just MtF but FtM or others too) would at least help me gain some perspective. I don't imagine that transitioning is a magic friendship elixir, but living as a male has felt confining and lonely to me for a very long time. I so want to feel like I finally belong to a circle of genuine friendships.

Nerissa Grace

[purplewuggybird]

This has definitely happened to me and I was wondering the same thing.  I think, at least for me, it all comes down to a form of how you feel more happy. Honestly this sounds so cliche, but your happiness really does spread to other people. I've often wondered why j have a better friend and social situation and I think it's partly because you are more likable when you are happy, and for other reasons I don't understand. So yes it has happened to me but I don't really understand why.


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[Tessa James]

I found it much easier to make friends and be sociable as I accepted myself and started living as Tessa.  With nothing to hide there was less guarding and resistance to being vulnerable.  This seemed to allow others to be more real with me in return.  We may also sadly find that those more superficial and ideologically impaired friends are not friends at all and reveal themselves quickly with ignorance and intolerance.  As I am sure you know, it is not the quantity but the quality of our friendships that matters most.  I became a minor celebrity in my rural area so many people may know of me but true friendship takes time and effort.  I feel very fortunate to have a wide circle of support in the LGBTQ community but remain hesitant about how straight men view me.  I must also say that we (trans/LGBQ) in community can still be judgmental and hurtful to our new sisters and brothers.  It's not all love and roses for the uninitiated.  Recognizing that truth still makes for opportunities to find solidarity and the very best friends who can totally relate to what we are going thru.  Glad to hear you are getting out there.  Polls are informally and commonly set up here.  How, IDK

[Adena]

I found it much easier to make friends and be sociable as I accepted myself and started living as Tessa.  With nothing to hide there was less guarding and resistance to being vulnerable.  This seemed to allow others to be more real with me in return.  We may also sadly find that those more superficial and ideologically impaired friends are not friends at all and reveal themselves quickly with ignorance and intolerance.  As I am sure you know, it is not the quantity but the quality of our friendships that matters most.  I became a minor celebrity in my rural area so many people may know of me but true friendship takes time and effort.  I feel very fortunate to have a wide circle of support in the LGBTQ community but remain hesitant about how straight men view me.  I must also say that we (trans/LGBQ) in community can still be judgmental and hurtful to our new sisters and brothers.  It's not all love and roses for the uninitiated.  Recognizing that truth still makes for opportunities to find solidarity and the very best friends who can totally relate to what we are going thru.  Glad to hear you are getting out there.  Polls are informally and commonly set up here.  How, IDK

I really ldentify with this even though i haven't tranitioned- yet. When i am in touch with myself as Denali i feel happier, I become less shy, I. can start up conversations like I never could before. This is amazing to me

[KarynMcD]

For me, I have the same number of female friends, but still no male friends.