Kate Bornstein wrote the same thing in her book, Gender Outlaw -- that a gay who was being bashed was not being bashed because the basher had a mental image of the gay performing gay sex, but because the gay's gender presentation was out of the basher's bounds of what constitutes a 'male' presentation.
My step-father and his two sons were right in that sense -- to them, I was (and am) a '->-bleeped-<-got'...
Karen