My Lesbian GF wants to Tranisition...I am lost

[muse]

Hi,

I am very, very new here.
I  found this website while searching all over the internet for answers.

I am a lesbian female, not a gold star, and have been around and have many MTF friends. I actually took one of my friends through all his MTF surgeries, aftercare and became part of her support system.

I never was interested in dating a male after I came out shortly after I left college. I was always "bisexual", as it was acceptable where I grew up in comparison to being a lesbian, but as I got older I just could not live the lie anymore to be accepted in my family, culture and community.

I am now in a healthy, amazing and wonderful relationship with a woman for 3 years who I plan on proposing to after I complete my Masters program in Italy. We have ha discussions of starting a family with reverse in vitro and in vitro to have a blended family with both our genes that look like us.

She has always been more masculine, lesbian, and always felt more like a "guy" in the sense of what she dresses and behaves like. Until recently, I knew that she had once in her early 20s thought of transitioning, but was told by her gf at the time that it was weird. She also admits to battling with how people and her uber-religious family would really disown her, as they already are still dealing with the "lesbian thing" some 20+ years since she came out.

Well, last night she admitted to wanting to transition. She has been mulling over it and embarrassed to admit it because she fears losing me.

I support her, her happiness and to me that's what matters the most. I like her masculinity and I am the type of cheerleader for someone to find themselves and be who they really are....but I don't understand why I am so freaked out.

I cheered  her on, admitted to have sexual fantasies of her being able to "switch genitalia" but the idea of transitioning fully...taking away the masculine woman that I love...scares me. I love the female body, I am attracted to the way women smell, I am not a "gold star", but I am also not attracted to men genitalia...their body hair, their smell etc. I find men attractive as in they are beautiful/handsome/hot/cute/etc. like I would talk about a piece of art or a car...but I don't want to sleep with it.

I'm scared to admit my feelings to her because I do not want her to not trust me...but I am not questioning myself.  Would this make me a straight woman? How will I be able to be sexually intimate with her? How will she change as a person? My MTF friends changed drastically on hormones...and it's selfish that I do not want her to become a different person...I fell in love with this beautiful woman, her looks, curves, softness, her voice...and I honestly am very very very scared that the person I see my future in, my forever in...is being taken away for me.

She wants my support, my acceptance...and she wants me to still be there...but I do not know how this works. How it will define me and our relationship...and I have no one to talk to.

How did you handle it?

[RavenMoon]

Hi. I'm surprised no one replied yet. I think you need to be honest with her. And also with yourself.

Transitioning is hard on relationships. When I decided to transition (I'm mtf) I was not in a relationship. I was freshly out of a 10 year marriage. I had a good relationship with my ex wife, and we have an 11 year old daughter. 

Upon learning that I was trans, our friendship fell apart. She called me at all hours being very angry. She self published a book about it!  Another close friend I had, who is a lesbian, distanced herself from me. Now we hardly ever talk to each other.

I mention these things realizing it's not the same situation, but I often wonder how someone I was currently in a relationship would react. My close male friend, as well as my older brother and some other friends have been very supportive. But I'm not dating them.

So, if you love her for who she is now, you need to tell her that. You will both have to come to terms with the fact that her transitioning will impact the relationship. Then you both have to decide how to deal with that.

I don't have an answer. I wouldn't even know where to start. Trans people have to come to terms that they will likely lose people in their lives. I've often thought if I met someone I really cared about (I only like women) would I not transition to keep them? Maybe. But how would that effect me? I'm 58, so I've lived like this a long time. I'm conflicted myself.

I guess that's not very helpful.  


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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Some of this will require couples consoling to work out and is beyond the scope of this site. I can give you a little information that may help. For FTM, hormones are highly effective and can lower the voice, grow body hair and create a fairly masculine face. Because bone growth has stopped, the body will still maintain the same basic shape but may gain muscles. Most FTMs want their breast removed but the bottom is another issue. It's still not possible to create a totally functional male bottom so not all FTMs desire bottom surgery.

You need to have a discussion with your partner to learn what the transition means to him and decide if you can live with the changes that will take place. We find for MTFs about half of the couples remain together. I would expect similar numbers for FTMs. We will do what we can to help you but in the end the decision will be yours.

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[sparrow]

Coming out to myself as transgender took several years, and part of that process was deemed "cross dressing."  On a day after she had done her level best to put up with going to Pride with me dressed up, we got into a very tense discussion.  In it, she asked me if I wanted to become a woman.  I suddenly realized that I didn't know the answer to that, and could only say "could you love me if I did?"  She identified as straight.  She told me that she didn't know if she could... and that she would never be physically attracted to me..  That was one ugly moment in our ugliest past, and we're in a better place now.

Hormonal changes are gradual (albeit faster with T).  As they've come to be, she's found herself liking the changes.  Today, she sexually identifies as "none of the above," and "mind your own business, I'm married."  She's always been a person for whom sex follows love, and I'm still the person she loves.  So... we make it work.

I don't know much about lesbian culture, but around here, you get a platinum star for sticking with your man.  It doesn't have to make you straight, though some people will perceive you to be.  In some cases, that might seem like a privilege, and in others, you may find yourself wanting to explain your position (do check with your partner before outing them).

Not every guy gets bottom dysphoria.  Some guys keep their original plumbing and lead happy sex lives.

[Ritana]

It's kind of you to care about you to care about your partner and you mtf friends; however, I would suggest you start using the correct pronouns, both when referring to them.

[Valwen]

this is something that could go many different ways and you may find yourself shocked by your own feelings over time.

Not everyone transisions the same way, especially trans guys, some feel the need to go through it all, hormones, tops surgery, bottom surgery. They change there whole life, there personality shifts in major ways and there every action seems like a totally different person. On the other hand some trans guys are good after a low dose of Testosterone and perhaps eventual top surgery or at least breast reduction if they happen to be large in that department.

Socially and personality the degree of change is also very flexible, some may have a massive shift but that is far from true for all of us. I cant be sure but I don't think I have changed all that much, and in my case its likely because I was far from masculine, way more geeky then butch. None of my hobbies or interests have really changed due to hormones or even going full time.

Your SO (significant Other) seems to be on the butch end of things which may result in a far less drastic personality shift than you may fear. You may find the person you loves changes only slightly into a happier more comfortable version of themselves.

Really the best thing to do is talk to them, and take things slow, try not to say things you may regret and know that your both going to be afraid and in pain, but if your there for each other I think you can get through this.

Serena