How to tell a guy you're trans??

[Keri]

Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.

Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.

Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.

Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.

Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.


hugs

Sweetie, Not sure what I would do.. He will want sex sooner or later.. you could tell him you want to put a hold on the relationship.. that you are dealing with something and maybe we can start up again later..then he will be begging you to tell him.. if he really likes you he wont want to put it on hold. In the meantime, If he is a great guy he may even enjoy your story.... If he walks for you just putting a hold on it then you never had him..

But do what feels right for you.. I really don't plan on dating without full disclosure.. He will have to love me for me.. and if that long term relationship does not happen well then I will be single.. and have fun living as me..  I may be hard to catch anyway..  and you could be too girl..
Nothing ventured nothing gained..... so happy for you.. for all of us who have become who we are..
Love
Keri

[Ritana]

Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.

Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.

Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.

Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.

Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.


hugs

I totally agree with you, Laura. Remember you are talking to a transwoman here. In theory, you are 100% right.  However, that is not how straight men see it.

Remember, we are talking about sexual preference. I have known guys who were very open minded, tolerant and friendly towards gay and trans but admitted to me they were not attracted  by the idea of dating a transexual, and that is a matter of sexual preference. .They simply prefer vaginas to penises. We cannot change their sexual preference. And in the case of post-op's. many prefer what they consider " naturally born women". Sure, trans lovers do date transexuals (usually prefering pre and non op's ) but as I previously said this category of guys never appealed to me (although I respect their preference and  choice)

This distinction and rejection hurts so much that I decided not to disclose my past to any boyfriend I am with. I also made a choice of not dating while I was pre-op as it never felt right for me.

I hope this makes sense now.

Rita

[Ashey]

Rita, I understand you have your opinions and experiences but they aren't absolutes. I've chatted with a large sample size of men who are straight, don't have a preference for trans-women, and still want to be with me (sexually and otherwise). I've also been a first for some men who have gotten curious. Doesn't mean they're suddenly gay or even bi. If it's on a dating website, they usually look at my pics and message me not knowing I'm trans. Then when I explain it, more often than not they're still interested because I'm feminine and attractive, and that's what matters most, especially when they can work out the remaining sexual options. Works in person too. And I've gotten a lot of, "well I don't care, you're still hot and you're a woman to me"... Which, I could get into some nitpicking there but I go with it. The guy I'm currently dating has that same opinion, and doesn't need to discuss things any further than that unless it's necessary. Definitely the majority of guys I've talked to have just been straight guys without a preference, not bi, never gay, and most haven't had any experience with a trans-lady before. I really think it comes down to appearances. Men are visual and sexual creatures, and if you look the part, walk the walk, etc. and still get their motors going, most aren't going to care. And really, men aren't super picky... their genitals will direct them where to go.

As for when to tell them, I'd say right away. I think if they'll be accepting about it at all, then you can tell them upfront. I don't think getting them attached under the assumption that you are a cis-woman is the right course of action. Many would equate this to catfishing. Is that fair? Maybe, maybe not. But it is what it is. And cis-women can go through this for a variety of reasons, like being overweight or something. If a guy can deal with it, he'll deal with it upfront AND you'll have the benefit of being honest with him from the start. I think hoping he will accept it later on after there's a connection is naive, and possibly dangerous. And it's a very female way of thinking about it all, so obviously a guy may not have the reaction you'd expect or hope for. If you're stealth, well... I suppose you have more of an option, but then it's your own conscience that is at risk. I know personally I'd feel weird about it, and paranoid about my past coming back to haunt me somehow. There's also those awkward moments when he might say something transphobic or whatever... It's another reason I'd want to discuss the topic because I'd want them to be okay with it anyway, especially because I have other trans friends.

[Martine A.]

Hi.

[I am] Sorry to read you are in this position. Doubtlessly by now you got many rich responses. So [my intent is] merely to second some of it.

Assuming you want to tell him, my best advice for the situation is be cool about it. Tell him. Do not make a drama out of it. You need to be the stronger one, as the more prepared one. That will allow him to show his reaction to the full. If I was freaking out, he might be inclined to calm me while already making plans to dump me 'nicely'.

But more general advice... during the transition I prefer people to know before we meet. Later on, will figure if that needs amending. My guy is probably a [to be] single father.

[Ritana]

I suppose you are right, my opinion is not absolute but neither is yours. I have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals. Sure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman. That has been my experience, and that is why I chose to live like any other ciswoman and date straight guys who wouldn't question my feminnity, nor would they try to imagine me as a "guy" in my former life.

That is my personal choice (and my vision of things)  I understand some people may disagree with me, but each to their own. We are only debating here. I don't seek to impose my lifestyle on anyone (just like no one can impose theirs on me). It is interesting to exchange views and ideas, though.

Hugs,

Rita

[Laura_7]

I suppose you are right, my opinion is not absolute but neither is yours. I have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals. Sure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman. That has been my experience, and that is why I chose to live like any other ciswoman and date straight guys who wouldn't question my feminnity, nor would they try to imagine me as a "guy" in my former life.

That is my personal choice (and my vision of things)  I understand some people may disagree with me, but each to their own. We are only debating here. I don't seek to impose my lifestyle on anyone (just like no one can impose theirs on me). It is interesting to exchange views and ideas, though.

Hugs,

Rita

A lot of experiences in life are influenced by expectations.
Its what people radiate outwards : how they feel they will be treated ... what they think of themselves ... etc .
Other people read this subconsciously and act on this.

Its possible a few bad experiences have been a reason for a change of mind. But they are only that, and other experiences are possible.
So holding on to an expectation of being accepted and not making a big deal out of being transgender can help a lot.
Its more likely to make good experiences then.

Mabe its possible to concentrate on positive experiences... usually they are there .
Imo its like the neg comments on youtube ... I tend to overread them and concentrate on the positive ones.
It helps attracting the people who are pleasant to deal with.


hugs

[marssu]

A lot of experiences in life are influenced by expectations.
Its what people radiate outwards : how they feel they will be treated ... what they think of themselves ... etc .
Other people read this subconsciously and act on this.

Its possible a few bad experiences have been a reason for a change of mind. But they are only that, and other experiences are possible.
So holding on to an expectation of being accepted and not making a big deal out of being transgender can help a lot.
Its more likely to make good experiences then.

Mabe its possible to concentrate on positive experiences... usually they are there .
Imo its like the neg comments on youtube ... I tend to overread them and concentrate on the positive ones.
It helps attracting the people who are pleasant to deal with.


hugs

Good comment Laura!

I have to agree on that.

[Wednesday]

Conversation is getting interesting, lemme point some stuff.

I suppose you have more of an option, but then it's your own conscience that is at risk.

Mostly agreed with you, except on this one. I don't think being stealth should be a conscience related issue. I mean... if we consider transsexualism as a health/medical/biological condition, I doubt anyone who takes this seriously could blame you. I can't imagine an AIS (Androgen Insensitive Syndrome) girl "having to" disclose or being expected to do for whatever ethical reasons.

In my opinion how were you born, the medical treatments you followed or the surgeries you had are no one's business. Although I consider ideal/optimal telling your partner (if we take seriously a relationship then it's supposed to exist total trust in each other) I don't see it as an obligatory thing to do from any ethical point of view. You are what he sees, period.

I have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals.

I believe what you say is true but also I think the difference in the observations made by you and the ones made by Ashey can be explained. Different dating pools from different geographical places may behave completely unlike. Even in the same country and even in the same city, attitude from different groups toward trans people may vary enormously (and of course this includes if they would date transgender girls or not).

As far as I've seen, if you make an estimation among all the existing dating pools, those individuals who are open to date tgirls would be the less. But if you go for specific pools, you may encounter groups where a fair amount of individuals are open to date, and on the other hand, you may encounter groups where only a small minority would be open to date. Overall speaking I think prospects are neither so optimistic nor so pessimistc

I really think it comes down to appearances.

I would say it comes down to everything about you, appearances included for sure (they play a really big part; as you said men are visual creatures). Physical appearance, atractiveness/sexyness, style, attittude, conversation, culture, interests, education, status... and how well you market this. Definitely playing tough and taking nothing for granted.

Sure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman.

This one may be worth to be taken into account. But that just means you need to compensate the "disadvantage" that being trans supposes for them.

[Ritana]

I agree with most of what you said. However, at this stage I cannot take any risks of disclosing my past. Maybe time will change things, who knows.

[Ashey]

Mostly agreed with you, except on this one. I don't think being stealth should be a conscience related issue. I mean... if we consider transsexualism as a health/medical/biological condition, I doubt anyone who takes this seriously could blame you. I can't imagine an AIS (Androgen Insensitive Syndrome) girl "having to" disclose or being expected to do for whatever ethical reasons.

In my opinion how were you born, the medical treatments you followed or the surgeries you had are no one's business. Although I consider ideal/optimal telling your partner (if we take seriously a relationship then it's supposed to exist total trust in each other) I don't see it as an obligatory thing to do from any ethical point of view. You are what he sees, period.

I suppose conscience might be a poor choice of words. I didn't mean to say it's an ethical/moral issue, because you're right, I don't think it's an obligation to tell for any reasons like that. More to the point, I was referring to the paranoia that may ensue unless you have everything tied up and nothing to worry about coming back to bite you. Because let's face it, if you haven't discussed any of this with your partner, and you're deep into a relationship with them, regardless of whether they're okay with trans-folk they might see it as a betrayal, or that they couldn't be trusted with knowing that part of you. Sure you might think they don't need to know or shouldn't know, but there's always a chance they might see things differently, whether they're right about that or wrong. And of course, if they're not okay with it and somehow found out... well, it could be bad. But yeah, disclosure is a choice not a necessity if you have that option.

[marssu]

I feel so sad.

So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male. He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting... Mind you he still doesnt know my T.
It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.

I told him that I dont want to do anything with him anymore after what he said. He still wants me but I know this isnt going anywhere.

Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.

[allisonsteph]

I feel so sad.

So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male. He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting... Mind you he still doesnt know my T.
It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.

I told him that I dont want to do anything with him anymore after what he said. He still wants me but I know this isnt going anywhere.

Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.

So sorry to hear that things ended up like they did. I can feel your devastation. I was reading through the replies, thinking of what I could say that may be helpful to you. My heart sank when I saw your update.

I ran across an old quote on Facebook this morning that I think is appropriate here:

Be careful of who you hate, because it might be someone you love.

I wish I had stumbled across this thread sooner and been able to share that with you before all this happened.

[marssu]

So sorry to hear that things ended up like they did. I can feel your devastation. I was reading through the replies, thinking of what I could say that may be helpful to you. My heart sank when I saw your update.

I ran across an old quote on Facebook this morning that I think is appropriate here:

Be careful of who you hate, because it might be someone you love.

I wish I had stumbled across this thread sooner and been able to share that with you before all this happened.

Thank you allisonsteph. That quote really suits.
I just dont feel like I am a woman after what he said...
I cant get pregnant and basically do nothing for a man (

[Laura_7]

Being transgender has biological connections.

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

Studies by reputable sources are shown there. Its also explained with pictures.

Studies have shown there are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
Also transgender people have been around in all cultures so its not a cultural thing.

The brains of transgender people are wired this way before birth and there is no known way to change this.
So its literally a womans brain in a mans body.

You might tell him that there are birth conditions like missing limbs and people are called to help with medical aid and support.
Its not a perfect world yet.
It has nothing to do with religion.

Its similar to seizures.
Some time ago people thought of posession until it was accepted its a biological thing.

The recognized remedy for transgender people is to transition.

Apart from that its people with normal needs and cravings like everyone else.

If you are explaining and not making a big deal of it its more likely they react likewise.

Well ... if they are a good human being they might react positively ...

I feel so sad.

So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male.

You can tell him this is nonsense. There are a multitude of known conditions from XXX to testosterone insensitivity .
There is a huge band in between, its simply not widely talked about in schools etc, maybe for simplicity's sake.
Its like saying there are only yellow and red flowers. Of course there are orange ones.

He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting..

This is a case of projection.
He is happy with his gender idendity and body, they match. He cannot presume this is the case with all people.
Transitioning would not be for him and thus he might have a feeling of unease.
He needs to understand that there are people where this is not the case, they need to transition.
They feel different than he does.

It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.

Well do you want to move on without having tried to tell him ?

Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.

We are like unicorns. We are rare. Have some self confidence.
Either this guy loves you and will understand or someone else will.


hugs

[XKimX]

I accept that I am in a very minority position here, but I do not see why some of us find a compelling need to tell all right up front.  Don't ask, don't works fine for me.  If ever asked, be honest, but before then, enjoy life as a cis-woman would.  As others have said, when presented up front, what might have been a good relationship never gets off the ground, moistly through fear and misunderstanding on the part of the cis-man.  But, if you give the relationship a chance to develop, and you have had a lot of good sex with each other, the T-Bomb, when delivered, usually does not explode. His mind already has accepted you as the real woman that you are and there is no "fear of the unknown."

I know of no cis-woman who would ever think about telling a new boyfriend all about their past sexual and surgical history.  It is just not done -- that is something to discuss, if at all, way into a successful relationship that might become LTR.  Why are so many of us so afraid to use the womanly tricks that are so successful with cis-women.  Being trans certainly was a big deal for us, but not for anyone else.  My cic-sister worked for several years as a prostitute -- when she met her future husband (at church, no less, not as a client), do you think she ever told him about her past?  No way, and he was very happy with what he did not know.  Maybe I am just living in a different world from you all, but post-op means that you are just the same as any other woman, secrets and all.  Why do we want to make it hard for ourselves?

[stephaniec]

Hi! I think your beautiful , oh! by the way if you haven't noticed I'm trans.

[marssu]

Being transgender has biological connections.

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

Studies by reputable sources are shown there. Its also explained with pictures.

Studies have shown there are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
Also transgender people have been around in all cultures so its not a cultural thing.

The brains of transgender people are wired this way before birth and there is no known way to change this.
So its literally a womans brain in a mans body.

You might tell him that there are birth conditions like missing limbs and people are called to help with medical aid and support.
Its not a perfect world yet.
It has nothing to do with religion.

Its similar to seizures.
Some time ago people thought of posession until it was accepted its a biological thing.

The recognized remedy for transgender people is to transition.

Apart from that its people with normal needs and cravings like everyone else.

If you are explaining and not making a big deal of it its more likely they react likewise.

Well ... if they are a good human being they might react positively ...


You can tell him this is nonsense. There are a multitude of known conditions from XXX to testosterone insensitivity .
There is a huge band in between, its simply not widely talked about in schools etc, maybe for simplicity's sake.
Its like saying there are only yellow and red flowers. Of course there are orange ones.

This is a case of projection.
He is happy with his gender idendity and body, they match. He cannot presume this is the case with all people.
Transitioning would not be for him and thus he might have a feeling of unease.
He needs to understand that there are people where this is not the case, they need to transition.
They feel different than he does.

Well do you want to move on without having tried to tell him ?

We are like unicorns. We are rare. Have some self confidence.
Either this guy loves you and will understand or someone else will.


hugs

Thank you for the link Laura!

I really dont even know if I want to do anything with him or tell about my T...
Maybe his thoughts might change but I dont know. I am scared that he will freak out and find me crazy. What makes this even harder is that he lives another country and we wont see eachother often. Maybe its better to forget him its really hard.

[SophieSakura]

You don't have to tell someone straight away but I think if you're going to get intimate with someone, even kissing, then you should tell them.  People have a right to know the truth before they consent to anything, otherwise it's not consenting in my opinion.  Even though a trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man, some people still may simply not want to sleep with a trans person and that is their right to choose.  (Not aiming this so much at the original poster, just anyone who says they wouldn't tell someone.) 

[SophieSakura]

I suppose conscience might be a poor choice of words. I didn't mean to say it's an ethical/moral issue, because you're right, I don't think it's an obligation to tell for any reasons like that. More to the point, I was referring to the paranoia that may ensue unless you have everything tied up and nothing to worry about coming back to bite you. Because let's face it, if you haven't discussed any of this with your partner, and you're deep into a relationship with them, regardless of whether they're okay with trans-folk they might see it as a betrayal, or that they couldn't be trusted with knowing that part of you. Sure you might think they don't need to know or shouldn't know, but there's always a chance they might see things differently, whether they're right about that or wrong. And of course, if they're not okay with it and somehow found out... well, it could be bad. But yeah, disclosure is a choice not a necessity if you have that option.

I think it's a complicated issue, since if the person knew about it then they might not consent to intimacy.  So that's why it's more important than telling them about other things, that probably wouldn't affect the likelihood of them consenting.  Also whether it's ethically ok or not, it could make somebody feel awful if they found out after having sex or whatever.  So that is something to take into consideration.  Just to know that other people's feelings are at risk too.  I personally would feel absolutely awful and betrayed and violated if someone wasn't completely honest with me before getting serious in a relationship and having sex within a relationship, and I'm allowed to feel that way.

[marssu]

Update:

So I told him. His reaction was very suprising considering what he said about trans people. He was very confused after and couldnt believe me and still denying it. He said that he still loves me but is very confused. He thinks that I am joking but I wrote to him a very long text so how am I joking here. He told me that he needs time and should concentrate on his life for now since he has job interviews etc. I am glad he wasnt aggressive or anything though.

What should I do? Should I give him time?