Fluidity

[Rp1713]

I experienced my first switch that I was actually conscious of yesterday. For the past week I've felt way more feminine and have been going to work dressed more androgynously and have been even doing a bit of concealer and eyeliner for the last couple days. Halfway through the day I started to feel a little weird and anxious, and was super self conscious of having makeup on. I became a lot more quiet and just focused on my work. Later on in the night when I was driving it hit me that I just was feeling more masculine during the second half of the day.

It was really weird and a little jarring. I felt trapped in my head most of the night, but was also just trying to accept what is occurring. I still feel the same today, but I feel more okay with it I guess? It's still weird, and I still couldn't switch back to men's underwear... Too damn thick and itchy and uncomfortable. But in this still somewhat male-sided androgynous state, I feel okay with myself.

Has anyone else experienced these types of flips? Just out of curiosity, how do you deal with it, and what makes you feel most comfortable day to day?


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[Devlyn]

I get the occasional "male" day. It feels funny at this point because I'm presenting in a predominantly female mode. Eh, tomboy for a day! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ayla]

I tend to be more fluid and seem to respond and to flow according to situation, person and context.  It feels like a dance of spirits and by nature my sense of self seems to flow in response to the other person or other spirit.   I have not experienced a sudden flip or discontinuity, it just seems to be.   In truth I try to see it as an authentic expression of my self rather than as an expression of a binary gender.

[sparrow]

My boymode is still pretty internally transphobic.  I've been "trapped" in boymode while dressed really femme a few times... I get all embarrassed, self-conscious and anxious.  Yikes.  That used to totally ruin my day.  I've been working on convincing the boy that dressing up girly is fun... even kinda forcing myself to dress more femme on days when I don't feel like it... it's just as fun as forcing myself to dress the boy when I'm in girlmode.

I can't wait 'til I'm out at work.  Heaven is the ability to stash a pair of outfits in my desk so I can swap out mid-day.

A few months ago, I had a full-binary switch.  I was talking to a friend and strongly identifying as female.  A topic came up, and triggered a switch to strongly identifying as male.  Took about 10 seconds.  It has been about 5 months since I've strongly identified as either binary gender.  These days, it's easier not to answer.  I slosh between "vaguely masc" and "vaguely femme" and I largely try not to collapse my gender's wavefunction.

[Rp1713]

A few months ago, I had a full-binary switch.  I was talking to a friend and strongly identifying as female.  A topic came up, and triggered a switch to strongly identifying as male.  Took about 10 seconds.  It has been about 5 months since I've strongly identified as either binary gender.  These days, it's easier not to answer.  I slosh between "vaguely masc" and "vaguely femme" and I largely try not to collapse my gender's wavefunction.

That's sort of where I'm at right now. The times I feel best about myself is when I'm not fully identifying with either male or female. I would like to get to the point where I don't really feel switching like this at all, and I'm just ME all the time. I like the thought of being a both and neither at the same time, and I think this is where I will fit best and feel most comfortable with myself.


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[Devlyn]

That's sort of where I'm at right now. The times I feel best about myself is when I'm not fully identifying with either male or female. I would like to get to the point where I don't really feel switching like this at all, and I'm just ME all the time. I like the thought of being a both and neither at the same time, and I think this is where I will fit best and feel most comfortable with myself.


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I like this one: "I'm male, I'm female, I'm not a man, I'm not a woman" 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rp1713]

So true! Love it!


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[Amanda_Combs]

I'm always shifting.  I have small and large shifts.  For about 1-2 weeks at a time, i'll lean either male or female. And also every day i have short(10-15 minute) shifts. So, i'm usually in a mixed gender.  For example; if i've felt male for a few days, i could be growing a beard and all of a sudden, in a conversation i realize my voice is getting higher and i'm doing increasingly feminine gestures.  Then it passes and it's not until another week later that i find myself in full make up and a dress.

[Leslie36369]

I actually woke up today feeling more like a guy again. I still gravitate towards feminine things just not as much. I'm pre hrt and this is one of my greatest fears.
Today was strange, because I have been pushing at this more hardcore for longer than ever before. After going to the gym last night and doing my 'feminizing" workout, it seemed to of messed with my head some. I woke up feeling like I wasted time and stunted muscle growth (as a bad feeling) which was the purpose. I'm still not really in full girl mode but it's shifting back. I just don't want to loose track of my goals.

This post was all over the place. Hope for were able to get something out of it.

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[sparrow]

ack ack ack I feel forced into the closet and it's put me back into that weird, uncomfortable boymode again

[Rp1713]

ack ack ack I feel forced into the closet and it's put me back into that weird, uncomfortable boymode again

I'm sorry to hear that! I hate when I get in that mode, but it seems to be happening less in the last few weeks. Something has just been changing in me and I'm learning to accept that I am who I am and I like what I like.

I just spent a week in New Orleans at Mardi Gras with my girlfriend. We stayed with my uncle and his partner and it was the best week. For the first time in forever I found myself rarely thinking about my gender and just being myself. I did a little makeup each day, painted my nails and even wore a feminine shirt or two and wound up feeling great the majority of the time. I got several compliments on my nails, on Mardi Gras day I did my eyes and red lipstick for my costume and my uncles partner told me my makeup looked great, and one day when my girlfriend and I were sitting by the sidewalk we even got called "girls" by a guy walking by handing out pamphlets. It was great fun and a real confidence booster.

I find the more I just "do me" with my gender expression the more confidence I build. Especially when it's noticed and I'm complimented on it, but the fact is (at least in my recent experiences, I also consider myself lucky to have not come across that ->-bleeped-<- that talks ->-bleeped-<- to me yet) that the majority of people either don't really notice, or don't say anything to me.

I'm also in a unique place where I'm just trying to tell myself that because I fit in such a unique space on the non-binary spectrum that I need to not worry so much about pronouns etc because I'll most likely be misgendered the majority of the rest of my life. It seems to be going okay with this mindset, but at the same time being called "sir" still kills me sometimes. And my uncle also said something on Facebook referring to me as "now a man" versus a child and that got under my skin. He's one of the few people I've come out to because we've always felt really close even though he lives several thousand miles away, and I know he struggled with coming out as gay around my age. I think I just haven't properly explained to him what being transgender means to me. So I can't really be mad at him for this type of thing because I think I've yet to adequately explain to him my situation. I at least know I'm heading in that direction with I him, and he accepts me regardless. I suppose it's gonna take time for anyone you love to fully understand what you're going through, if they ever will understand, the most important thing is acceptance.

This is turning out way longer than I expected but I guess its flowing today because I haven't posted in a couple weeks. What I'm getting at though, is that being in New Orleans during Mardi Gras there was a specially feeling in the air. I got to be part of a parade and it was the first time I felt one with a large group of people for the first time in I could not even tell you how long. Being there, where there is so much uniqueness in both appearance and spirit I came to realize that every single "societal norm" and expectation built by this idea of "normal" is a complete and utter bull->-bleeped-<- construct. We are who we are. There's masculine things out there, there's feminine things out there and there's things that fall in between. It's up to us on an individual level to decide what we like, what we want and where we'd like to fit in!

Prior to this trip and the realization that started sprouting from it, even though I wasn't feeling all that great about myself often times, I was still pushing myself to do the things I wanted to do, no matter how insecure I was feeling about it. Now that I've returned home I find I'm actually starting to take pride in doing these little things that are starting to set me outside of the norms of masculinity, because quite frankly being a part of the white male patriarchy sickens me, so it feels really awesome to begin feeling like I'm in fact NOT a part of it. I've been using Bobby pins and hair clips in my hair, wearing more jewelry and even wore my nails painted with colors other than black to work for the first time ever. And honestly it feels great.

So do your best to tell yourself that you're NOT trapped in the closet if you don't want to be. I know this is easier said than done, but pushing myself and allowing myself to just start being me and seeing what happens has definitely benefited me to this point. Sure there's the down days but we all get em. You just got to push through and wake up tomorrow seeing it as a new day to just be you.

At least for me, it's been more about shedding the mask than coming out of the closet. I feel I've been holding my true self in for so long to the point that my costume was going to burst at the seams, my mask was about to fall off and my act was about to be recognized as a sham. The best feeling is that you are removing your costume, losing the mask and dropping your act. Coming out to the people you love and care about will come in due time, you may lose people, you may not, but if they choose to go because you're being who you are then that's solely on them. The rest of the people just simply don't matter. It's easier to say this than live it, but it's none of their business why you do or don't paint your nails/ do makeup, or why your wearing "men's"clothing or "women's" clothing. It's just clothing. We all have to wear it and we should all have the right to decide what we want to wear on any given day!

For your own sake, don't be afraid to be you! Whoever that may be. Sparrow, I truly hope you and everyone else here get to experience the feelings I have been recently. That what your gender is shouldn't matter all that much, and only you can ever know what it really is. Only who you are as a person should matter. As long as you're not hurting anyone you're doing just fine. Defining your gender doesn't hurt anyone but you, and only when the gender you're defining is not who you really are. Hope this all helps!

Much love,

Ry


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[Lady Smith]

Many years ago during my first year of transition I found myself sometimes shifting between maleness and femaleness.  Due to being intensely dysphoric I found this to be very upsetting so I fled deep into women's country and stayed there for a long time.  After a while I began to realise that I still enjoyed working with tools, welding and creating things; - that I could do these things and it in no way prevented me from being myself.  Little by little I stepped out on a new journey of self discovery where I gradually became aware that I wasn't male and I wasn't female, I was in fact non-binary.

These days I'm on Climara patches and spiro, but I don't bother with makeup or any fancy grooming.  I let my hair grow how it wants and if I find myself becoming annoyed by its length I cut it a bit shorter with scissors.  My clothes are nearly all unisex, in Summer I wear long cotton skirts, but simply for the reason that they are more comfortable and cooler in hot weather.  I have a thing for wooden beads, natural stones and feathers and wear feather and bead earrings fairly often.

I had an orchie done around 20 years ago now mostly because I was having severe pain due to the after effects of having been got at by doctors and surgeons when I was 12.  As a part of my journey I've discovered I don't mind having a penis, but I'm also glad that I have breasts too.  Before the doctors got at me I was developing breast tissue on my left side and even now after all these years my body is recognisably a different shape from one side to the other; - one side being more femme in appearance.  It's not just my imagination, because past lovers  commented on it and thought it a bit odd.

It's not exactly considered PC in these times, but I freely admit that I don't like cis-males in the same way that cats don't like dogs.  Trans-males are fine.  All trans-folk are Ok by me provided they respect that I'm NB and don't go putting me down for 'not trying', and I feel comfortable with most cis-females.
At the end of the day the only person you can be is yourself.
I use 'they', 'theirs', 'them' pronouns by the way.

[Rp1713]

Man, sometimes this fluctuation really just gets to me. I've been getting a lot better with it in the last couple months, identifying and coping with my fluid changes accordingly. But some days it's just harder than others.

This is particularly true when I feel more on the male end. It makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time because I get all quiet, angsty and passive-aggressive. It's worse when I'm having more trouble identifying how I feel any given day or time, and worsens still when I feel like I have little to no control over it.

On my worst days I often end up clamming up and partially shutting down to get through the day and basically force myself back the other way. It's just generally frustrating and depressing to think that I'm starting to, or have things figured out, and then on these bad days I question myself and everything I've been going through.

Sometimes I feel like a Cis-male on these days that is disconnected from the whole situation, and just judging from the outside.

"What are you doing? What're you some kinda freak? Is this really what you want? What about how everyone else sees you? How much it will change all of your relationships? You really think you'll be accepted? That's not you. You don't want this. Cut it out."

This can go on for hours on end, sometimes a whole day, distracting me from most other things mentally. It gets so overwhelming that most of the time I do the exact opposite of what these thoughts say to feel better. It's so bizarre and painful at times.

I just wish one thing would concretely make sense. This is the worst feeling, like it all makes sense one moment, and like its shattered into a million pieces the next and I don't have any glue let alone a clue as to how the pieces fit.

Today is not one of those really bad days, but it feels close. Mostly just venting, but if anyone has any ideas as to how I can better cope with swinging back male they're welcomed!


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[joanie]

can definately relate to fluctuations in gender.. Most of the time of late I feel femininity within and my desire to embody femaleness is always near and strong but then I have days where I dont feel any of that and Im just my regular old boy self. It makes everything very confusing as none of it seems real when Im in boyland, or urgent. Often these trips are precipitated by deciding I wouldnt transition into  a relatively attractive woman and that therefor the whole things ridiculous and idiotic  and then Im even more befuddled when I find myself back in the zone of wanting badly to start HRT.  Being stuck on the fence can be a bummer but ... I dunno. Im trying to enjoy the consequence free things Im doing in that regard now. Keeping my body shaved, wearing androgynous womans clothing that doesnt out me, trolling endlessly on susan's haha

[suzifrommd]

Mostly just venting, but if anyone has any ideas as to how I can better cope with swinging back male they're welcomed!

I did a lot of thinking and writing. I managed, in a few succinct words, set down why I was so sure I was really female at the core. Whenever I started having my doubts, I went back and read those words.

If it helps, here's what I did:

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never again act/feel/look male. That I had to be 100% female all the time. Answer: It would feel weird because it's not what I'm used to, but I could live with hit.

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never again act/feel/look female. That I had to be 100% male all the time. Answer: It would feel like a piece of me had been cut off.

I know at that point that my core was female. Whenever I was uncertain, I repeated this little test on myself.

[Rp1713]

can definately relate to fluctuations in gender.. Most of the time of late I feel femininity within and my desire to embody femaleness is always near and strong but then I have days where I dont feel any of that and Im just my regular old boy self. It makes everything very confusing as none of it seems real when Im in boyland, or urgent. Often these trips are precipitated by deciding I wouldnt transition into  a relatively attractive woman and that therefor the whole things ridiculous and idiotic  and then Im even more befuddled when I find myself back in the zone of wanting badly to start HRT.  Being stuck on the fence can be a bummer but ... I dunno. Im trying to enjoy the consequence free things Im doing in that regard now. Keeping my body shaved, wearing androgynous womans clothing that doesnt out me, trolling endlessly on susan's haha

That's exactly what it's like for me a lot of the time too! But I'm trying to do the same thing and just adjust for somewhere in the middle and role with the punches!


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[Rp1713]

I did a lot of thinking and writing. I managed, in a few succinct words, set down why I was so sure I was really female at the core. Whenever I started having my doubts, I went back and read those words.

If it helps, here's what I did:

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never again act/feel/look male. That I had to be 100% female all the time. Answer: It would feel weird because it's not what I'm used to, but I could live with hit.

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never again act/feel/look female. That I had to be 100% male all the time. Answer: It would feel like a piece of me had been cut off.

I know at that point that my core was female. Whenever I was uncertain, I repeated this little test on myself.

That's a good strategy suzi. It's just a little different for me I guess. Not only do I find myself feeling perhaps male or female on any given but I've also noticed a range of things in the middle as well. My fluidity also seems to stretch in places along the spectrum from day to day, sometimes even for hours at a time. It's very interesting, because I didn't know this was possible. I actually almost feel best when I'm floating somewhere in the middle but, so I suppose that's what I'll shoot for!


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[joanie]

curious what somewhere in the middle would look like! Is that possible without HRT?  I spose its different for everyone....

[Rp1713]

curious what somewhere in the middle would look like! Is that possible without HRT?  I spose its different for everyone....

I'd say so. For me at this stage it's more about expressing how I feel through clothing etc vs. actually altering my body with HRT. There are plenty of people that identify as genderqueer and many other non-binary identities that don't go on hrt and learn to accept aspects of their body like body hair (or constantly shaving body hair) and just are who they are without feeling the need for a chemical change. For most of my life I didn't know this type of gender expression were possible. Check out this article about a genderqueer individual, Jacob Tobia who lives this way. http://www.mtv.com/news/2428003/genderqueer-transition-trans-awareness/

He's also in an episode of MTV True Life: I'm Genderqueer.

I'm all for other people going on hormones, and it could even be me some day! Right now I'm just learning more about who I am and how to express myself based on what's already inside.


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[joanie]

Punk Rock!!