Hi everyone
Not sure how to start really, I guess I'll just sum it up by saying I'm 30 years old, live in Australia and I'm really confused about where I stand gender wise. You can call me Steph, I don't know if that would be my girl name forever, it's a version of my current boy name and is familiar to me (maybe a baby step to finding out who I am). I'm in a relationship with a girl I love very much (I'm bisexual btw) and she knows I've always been a bit of a girl. I guess I'm just trying to know myself a little better and take it one step at a time.
I grew up in the north of England in a small town near a big city. My parents had done well for themselves but we're very much working class folks, you just got in with things and didn't talk about your emotions. I got used to hiding my true feeling and being very wary of letting anything slip. One time when I was about 5 my dad found my playing with my mums makeup again. He washed it off, put me back to bed and we said nothing more about it. In my teen years I dabbled in cross dressing, at least until my family found out. Again, nothing was said, I just learnt to hide my feelings and never did it again.
In my teens I began to drink, smoke and dabble in drugs. I had a few encounters with boys at my school but couldn't handle it and pushed it down with more substance abuse. It eventually formed into depression, an anxiety disorder and even OCD (something I only was diagnosed with recently). I moved with my family to Australia in my late teens and despite the situation got through university. I moved to a new city, hoping to make a new start, but soon the drinking took over and I started to withdraw. I would work, drink with some friends and go home, miserable and wracked with anxiety. I tried to confront my issues with gender and sexuality but it was to hard to face.
Luckily I met a wonderful girl who did a lot to boost my confidence and make me feel loved without judgement. I went to a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressant (I've been taking them for 2 months now). It was the best decision I made and it has brought my symptoms under control. I feel in a better place to finally explore my gender, I'm even excited about it. I guess I'm just trying to make peace with a part of myself. So I'll say hello all, good to be here and chat soon
