Hi all,
Recently i have been in a struggle whitin me and feel really mentally exhausted. I do not know what my gender is anymore. I am completely fine with my physical body and have no dysphoria but i feel that my mental mind do not fit well as a cisgender male. Im very emotional and tear up very often but being a male i felt that i could not show people my emotions. To a point where I try to kill all my emotions and as I grow up I feel lifeless. Like there is no motivation to do anything or expect any happiness. Also my puberty made me faminine as i developed some faminine physical traits despite being a male. I had large nipples (some boobs), small genitals, no or little adams apple, round face, higher then average pitched voice (male standards) and awkward fat distribution. It felt like my puberty made me a quarter female. People made fun or joked about some of these traits. A gay friend once said i had kissable pussy lips and some other friends made fun of my constantly erected protruding nipples visible from outside my shirt but all these comments actually made me feel happy about my body. At the same time I also developed an obsession with feminine things, anything and everything, makeup, fashion, anatomy and any product with feminine packaging. But i didnt find a need to change my body. I masturbate almost everyday but I always fantasize myself as a women and never once as a male. Also during sexual intercourse i could not maintain my erection, halfway through it just didnt feel right everytime. But I know I have no sexual attraction towards man.
I moved to the UK to study 2 years ago and recieved some privacy. This is where things started to change. I bought women outfits, wigs and makeup and started crossdressing. Suddenly I felt more alive, I didnt feel as dead. Everytime i crossdress i felt excited and happy. I started to later post my pictures only and enjoyed compliments I recieved. Then i started spending more and more money just to get more outfits, breast forms, hip pads to make myself more feminine in my photos. I soon reached a point where I desire to fulfill this happiness full time by changing my body and enhancing my feminine traits looking into hormone treatments. Mentally i feel two conflicting side one of which I want to feel happy another is the uncertainty and fear that if I accept this happiness I will never blend into society and my parents would be disappointed with me. I feel like if I were to accept that I might be trans the other me would just break lose and overpower my male side.
Sorry for the long msg but Im mentally confused and stressed about who I really am now.
Thank you for reading. =)
