Constant depression and weird stares from people

[janana_banana]

Hi, my name is Jani.
I don't know what to do, I've been feeling really crappy lately. It started 2 months ago and hasn't gotten any better, I'm depressed too often. Usually I'm not too bad at handling depression but with the medication (9 months already in hormone therapy) it's no longer the easiest task to pull off. I realize I bring this upon myself as I am pretty socially awkward and don't talk to people. A lot of my depression is loneliness and I know this for a fact. Well some days I can feel stressed out due to feeling like a man physically but not all the time. My family has been amazingly supportive, especially my mom, but it's hard for me to tell her I'm not happy. She constantly get scared because I had suicidal problems back then and she always seems worried that they come back. I told this to my endocrinologist and she told me to either try therapy or joining support groups, or a break from medication. I told her I can't take a break from the medication as it would stress me out more, but I would try finding support groups as therapy hasn't worked out for me.

And omg the weird stares.. I understand people like to stare when they see someone who looks different. however, some days when I'm really moody I just want ask what's their problem. But I remind myself I would do the same if I was them.. It's just when I wear glasses/sunglasses, or dress a bit feminine no one's bothers me with their stares except mostly guys.. but omg when I dress like a guy people just stare me down like I'm some sort of alien.. One day I was just too moody and when someone called me ma'am and I just said "are you blind?".. My friend was confused but I was too.. I just sometimes don't want to be called anything.. I want to be genderless. I hate that I look like a guy but feel like girl.. Makes me want to be in between...

[suzifrommd]

Hi Jani. Welcome to Susan's. 

Here are some links to site policies and other helpful information:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Transgender can really suck sometimes, and depression sucks a lot of the time, so when you put them together, they become a bad combination.

Here are things that work for me:
* I found things that help me feel true to myself. For me it's walking, reading, writing, and listening to music. For you it will be different, but it might help if you can find these things and do as much of them as you can.
* Look for ways to bring joy to others. It helps to get outside yourself and do for someone else.
* Try to see depression for what it is - an illusion that the world is darker and nastier than it is. I find it helpful to try to look beyond and around the dirty filter that it puts in front of my face (though it's not easy).

Hugs. We're here for you when you need us.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jani, and welcome! The stares can be annoying. But this too passes with time. I find that having a friend to vent to is very therapeutic. When I get stressed I find a friend and we work on cars, have a beer, and it takes my mind off things. For every one person that stares, there's another that understands and doesn't give it a second thought.

[Stella Sophia]

Hey Girl,

People staring wont ever really go away especially if you're non passable like myself (not fishing) The thing that you have to realize is the more you focus on controlling what's within you the easier it becomes. I can't control people staring at me, but I can control whether or not I give a damn.

I will be honest and admit sometimes I just cant control it and really actually do care what others think and it sucks, it sucks that we transgender people put everything we have into just fitting in as normal women, and still for some of us, its just not good enough and we still get the stares. I won't be completely hard on myself at certain angles I pass other angles I don't so I honestly can never tell if people stare at me because I'm trans or because they think I'm pretty. A girl can drive herself crazy thinking this.

I promise it gets easier though, and through it you become stronger, so much stronger.

[KayXo]

Caring about what others think is just exhausting after awhile so you just end up not caring, naturally.

[HappyMoni]

To me, being transgender is like climbing a mountain. When you first start, the peak looks so freaking high. You sit there and say "I can never do that, it's impossible." Then, because you can do nothing else, you start climbing. Soon, you look around and you have come a long way. "I never thought I could do this or that, but I did it." Then you look up and realize, "Crap, it is still really high and I still have so far to go." Then it's "Okay, start climbing."

I am transgender, and I have experienced depression in my life. For both, you put one foot in front of another until you get to a better place. If you can have someone to share your pain with it helps a lot. Make a promise to yourself to never give up. I am dealing with awkward times in my transition. I keep saying "It will be better next week and the week after."  Sometimes, I don't allow myself to think about it at all, I just "do."

I don't know if this helps at all, but good luck!    IT WILL GET BETTER!
Moni

[Tessa James]

i respectfully recommend you stop looking back or making eye contact.  Your focus and your business is yours alone and trying to interpret their looks is way too much effort.  Smile and walk on like you own it!

And being in-between is cool too.  We need not allow others a shot at judgement.

[Frae]

Yeah I'm finding the less I look for people clocking me, the less people clock me.

The confidence thing sounds like a tired cliche but it really is true. If you're not afraid of people looking they will look less. Body language is totally a thing.

[Richenda]

Hi Jani,

Thanks so much for sharing this. Your thread helped prompt a new thread by me which I'll link below. I identify with what you've written and it can be so hard. As far as it's possible can you get to a place where people are less fazed by how you look? I know I get a big variation between rural England and parts of London. But Thailand's way better than any.

Please stay courageous and have a big virtual hug

Here are some musings I've been having on this:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,203752.msg1811805.html#msg1811805

[abd789]

I need to hear this as much as you do.... and my door is about half way open at the moment, its scary as hell and we get freaked out, but for every step forward I take... I feel a little better and it gets a little easier. I so waiting for the day that I no longer care what others think of me... but we have to endure some uncomfortable moments to get there

just press on and one day we will look back and say hey, we made it