Question about anti depressants.

[jayne01]

Hello. I have a question regarding the effects of anti depressants. I started taking some low dose anti depressants as a bit of an experiment (with my doctor's supervision) to see if they help reduce some of the dysphoria, or at least help with how I deal with the dysphoria.

I've been taking them for about two weeks now and I think that they are starting to have some kind of effect but not really what I was expecting. The dysphoria is definitely still there and I am still feeling the same shame, guilt, denial I always felt. But now I kind of feel dissociated from my body even more than I did before taking the pills. Sometimes I might be down and feel like sitting in the corner and crying but I can't. It's like my mind is feeling down but my body is feeling ok, if that makes any sense. My mind is feeling buried deeper inside my body and I'm finding it harder to express how I feel.

Has anybody else had a similar experience with anti depressants? Is that a normal reaction? I don't like it.

Jayne

[Dena]

I have never taken anti depressants but I have seen other reports like that on the site. I can't see how anti depressants would make much of a dent in what we feel because they are not designed to target what we feel. Our discomfort is cause by testosterone or estrogen (mtf/ftm) and as long as it's present, we will feel uncomfortable with ourself. Anti depressants might numb it a little but I think most of what we feel will remain.

Other reports on the site indicate that within a few weeks of starting the blocker, our discomfort is reduced or eliminated. That is not to say we still don't have the drive to transition.

My recommendation and don't forget I am not a doctor is to talk to your therapist about discontinuing the anti depressant  and using a blocker instead to target the real source of our discomfort.

[Tessa James]

There are so many kinds of anti depressants but some of those that impact our "reuptake" of brain neurotransmitters really have a varied history of success and shorter term use is often recommended to avoid problems.  That said we can recognize that gender dysphoria is generally a progressive and life long condition with multiple triggers unless treated.  We know the recommended treatment that is most helpful for us.

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but wonder about the efficacy of the regimen you are experimenting with?  If your dysphoria is still there and you are also feeling less expressive and more dissociative what have you gained?

But, hey, points to you for trying something to feel better.  Another direction and options maybe?

I tried antidepressants episodically and feel they have a place for short term problems but I wouldn't want to live on them.

[DanielleA]

My GP has offered to prescribe anti depressants many times in the past. I have refused every time because the pills might chill you out but they don't solve the actual issue. It also kind of scares me to read/hear how it affects the mind.

[jayne01]

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't super keen on taking anti depressants and it is certainly not something I want to do long term, but I thought it couldn't hurt to just try them for a short while to see if they have any positive effect. I was told it takes 3-4 weeks for them to start working properly.

I have a follow up appointment with my doctor later this week to see how things are going. My current prescription is a 4 week dose. I don't think I will be refilling the prescription.

[Soli]

I don't like SSRI's. It plays on serotonin and frankly, they don't know exactly what serotonin does in our brain (I searched into that). I feel science is poking the toad with a stick here.

I took an SSRI for 8 months, that was 15+ years ago, it did nothing at all to me. That was way before I admitted. People around me thought I was depressed. I wasn't depressed...

The best anti-depressant there could have been for me is less T in my body, that stuff was nasty for me.

Just a quick look in the mirror now and all sorts of fun fluids flow through my brain

[Floritine]

Ive never taken them for my gender issues only for other psych problems after having a few serious accidents,
I only started taking them after I saw a counselor & psych for a period of time and to make sure they would benifit me and it was a good 6-8 months before I got the drugs which was good as I learnt coping skills and how to distinguish the fellings I had,
But finding the right type of therapist also made a big difference as I had a few crap ones and all they wanted to do was hand me drugs from the first visit....................
Just be carefull of what you take as some are very adictive and when the time comes to stop taking then some can have horrible withdrawler side affects and can take long periods of time to quite.
While taking any antidepressants it best to see your psych / counselor on a reqular basis to monitor you mental progress....

Cheers Tracy

[rosinstraya]

I took them for a number of years before transitioning, and have done so since.

In my experience they won't stop dysphoria. They might assist in dealing with other depressive issues however. It depends on the particular situation.

While they can help, I found it was still necessary to deal with the dysphoria separately through therapy etc.

[Cindy]

I took them for a number of years before transitioning, and have done so since.

In my experience they won't stop dysphoria. They might assist in dealing with other depressive issues however. It depends on the particular situation.

While they can help, I found it was still necessary to deal with the dysphoria separately through therapy etc.

Same. I needed anti-D's to deal with my issues other than gender and they kept me going and were very helpful and important for me. I also had a great GP who cared about me and monitored me, and when I was brave or desperate enough he helped me with a referral that changed my life.

About 4 months after I began HRT I tossed the anti-D's in the bin. Not recommended, as you should wean off!

But yes. I needed them and they helped. When I faced everything that was hurting me I was cured of depression.

[jayne01]

Thank you all for the replies. I don't think I really need the anti depressants. My therapist is very good and I'm learning way to deal with times of depression. I asked my GP to try the anti depressants as a last resort desperate attempt that there might be a slight chance they would help with the dysphoria. I know that's not how it works, but I am willing to try anything.

I don't want to transition. For me that is just a way too extreme thing to do, and I really don't trust myself to know that I am trans for sure. There is no known test to determine whether someone is trans. I really did hope the anti depressants would have some effect on the dysphoria.

[Cindy]

Thank you all for the replies. I don't think I really need the anti depressants. My therapist is very good and I'm learning way to deal with times of depression. I asked my GP to try the anti depressants as a last resort desperate attempt that there might be a slight chance they would help with the dysphoria. I know that's not how it works, but I am willing to try anything.

I don't want to transition. For me that is just a way too extreme thing to do, and I really don't trust myself to know that I am trans for sure. There is no known test to determine whether someone is trans. I really did hope the anti depressants would have some effect on the dysphoria.

There is. If you think you are, you probably are.

I remember my ex therapist and I having a coffee and I asked him when he knew I was trans*. His reply? "When you walked into my office, why else would you have come to see me?"

[jayne01]

Many people including 2 therapists have use that logic on me. I am still having trouble accepting it. And for me, and I am only speaking for myself and don't want to offend anybody, it seems plain wrong to expect my wife to become something she is not so that I can transition. My wife is not bi or gay, so it is not right for me to turn into a female. There is no real win-win scenario that I can think of. I cannot live without my wife. She is the entire world to me. I need to find a way to manage or get rid of this damn dysphoria.

[Asche]

My experience with anti-depressants -- paxil, serzone, and now wellbutrin:

They did not lessen my depression.  What they did was to kind of emotionally anaesthetize me so the depression didn't bother me as much.  Nor did anything else.  They allowed me to function.  They did not help me enjoy life, or help me feel more like life is worth living.

I started HRT 5 months ago.  Starting about two months ago, I noticed I was feeling happier (well, sometimes.)  But, even bigger, my attacks of feeling suicidally awful have weakened.  They still happen, but now they mostly elicit eye-rolls from me.  I've started cutting back on the Wellbutrin.

HRT does seem to have had a weird side effect on me, though.  Sometimes, when I'm not dealing with someone else, I just have this urge to sing along with the tunes in my head (I'm in a choir, so we learn a lot of tunes.)  Sometimes I even have the urge to kind of dance along.  Sometimes I think of things and start to grin, and, if I'm walking, I have the urge to skip (despite my not entirely healed sprained ankle.)  Weird, huh?

[Asche]

... it seems plain wrong to expect my wife to become something she is not so that I can transition. My wife is not bi or gay, so it is not right for me to turn into a female.

Being trans doesn't mean you have to transition.  It just means you are trans.  What you do about it is up to you; in your case, I assume in consultation with your wife.  There are many, many ways to deal with being trans, and going the full 9-yard transition thing is only one.  A lot depends upon exactly what being trans actually means in your case and. since you're concerned about your wife, what she is comfortable with or can grow comfortable with.  It is a journey for both of you, and everyone's road is different.

FWIW, there are a fair number of people on this site who have not transitioned at all, or have just done a few of the things we think of when we think of transition.  If you can get past the "OMG!  I can't be trans!" reaction, they may be able to give you and your wife ideas and support.  Note that there is a "non-transitioning" forum and an SO's forum, too.

However, pretending it doesn't exist is probably not going to get either of you what you want, any more than, if you find out you're a diabetic, ignoring it will make it go away.

[Tessa James]

Being trans doesn't mean you have to transition.  It just means you are trans.  What you do about it is up to you; in your case, I assume in consultation with your wife.  There are many, many ways to deal with being trans, and going the full 9-yard transition thing is only one.  A lot depends upon exactly what being trans actually means in your case and. since you're concerned about your wife, what she is comfortable with or can grow comfortable with.  It is a journey for both of you, and everyone's road is different.

FWIW, there are a fair number of people on this site who have not transitioned at all, or have just done a few of the things we think of when we think of transition.  If you can get past the "OMG!  I can't be trans!" reaction, they may be able to give you and your wife ideas and support.  Note that there is a "non-transitioning" forum and an SO's forum, too.

However, pretending it doesn't exist is probably not going to get either of you what you want, any more than, if you find out you're a diabetic, ignoring it will make it go away.

I think our friend Asche offers a sound and important perspective here.  Being trans and accepting ourselves can take many forms that need not be public or in conflict with having a cisgender and straight spouse. 

Relationships will change over time and dealing with challenges successfully together can actually add vitality and a growth dynamic to our lives.  In some ways we start a social transition from the moment we begin to deal with the reality of who we really are.  Understanding ourselves and working with family, friends and perhaps a therapist who cares is a gift we give ourselves.  Drama and chaos are not needed for gaining knowledge, acceptance and a shared future.  We have opportunities every day to work things out with a partner willing to meet us half way.

Transition, in my opinion, does not turn us into anything we don't have the capacity or potential to become but can simply be a change in how we see ourselves and the places we want to fit.  We do not have to go the complete binary route of being male or female....lots of room for more than those two polar ends.

[Asche]

More thoughts on the "OMG!  Trans!1!" reaction.

For me, "being transgender" isn't so much a diagnosis (or a sentence) as it is a way of looking at myself so I can better understand all those things about myself I didn't understand before.

I can put a date down for when I realized I was trans.  (Thank you, Zinnia Jones!)

I was exactly the same person after that date as I was before.  I lived exactly the same way (at least for a while.)

The difference was that a lot of things in my past and in myself started to make sense.  I no longer felt like I was some kind of freak or mutant.  Although every trans person is trans in a different way, I could now find people who were enough like me that I could relate their experience to my own.  Suddenly the things I liked and didn't like, the things I did and couldn't do, they stopped seeming like inexplicable and unforeseeable personal defects.  I allowed myself to try things out that I wouldn't have considered before (some I liked, some I didn't.)  I began to stop being afraid of myself.

Also: though I still don't understand why, once I started seeing myself as trans, I started being able to deal with the traumas of my childhood.  But that's another, very long story.

[Soli]

She is the entire world to me.

yet she doesn't really know you ? ?

[Kylo]

I tried about 5 different brands of ADs in the past, as well as observing some of the effects when my partner took them for a short while.

For him they made him care less about things. Not just bad things but everything. Depending on the severity of your problems I guess this could be a good or a bad thing. He seemed to think that was good, but had to quit anyway since they were making him pass out (low blood pressure).

For me, I still felt as absolutely crummy as before, maybe even as anxious as before, but I felt as if I had become too exhausted to think about it. They supposedly work by disrupting neurotransmission, which I definitely felt, since they blurred the line between sleep and awake for me. Being awake felt like I hadn't slept in a week and being asleep was like being almost asleep but not quite. That was pretty awful and I could never take them for long because that exhaustion made me feel like a zombie. Maybe that was the intended effect, I don't know. I felt dissociated from everything in the same way you do when you're just too tired to care. But it also made me too tired to live my life at all.

I do currently feel pretty depressed by based on 5 different drugs over time and how useless they were for me, I won't bother with ADs again. They were messing with my brain and not in the good way so there's not much point for me.