Social hypocrite?

[Serverlan]

In addition to my usual angsting, I've been pondering a question about people you end up hanging out with and the views that they hold about trans people.

Family members are where you'd start, I guess. Family are so awesome when you're trans but have not yet come out to any of them, as they love to share all sorts of bigoted rubbish with you. Sometimes, if I don't think it will out me, I will pull them up on something they've said. But mostly I just nod and grin inanely.

There's also the issue of my cis GF who occasionally hangs out with acquaintances who have a very low opinion of trans people (and many other groups) and make a point of sharing those views publicly.

What do others here do in these situations, or do you just manage to miraculously steer clear of them? Is it hypocritical to hang out with people who clearly wouldn't give you the time of day if they knew the real you?

[Peep]

Family i can't really do anything about, fortunately as i'm not widely out i don't get a lot of hassle from them. but friends or other acquaintances i have no problems with calling out or dropping. that could just be me though, i don't actually make friends easily so i don't have much to loose.

[autumn08]

Address the question of if you should express one of your views, by asking yourself what you're trying to achieve in that situation. Revealing one of your views is not always pragmatic, but perpetually hiding a part of yourself is a miserable state, so even if you can only express yourself in fragments, find a way that the entirety of you can be seen by a compassionate observer.

[Deborah]

What I began to do in those situation a few years ago was just to speak up and disagree.  When the conversation turned anti-LGBT I took the opposing side and if it was trans related talk tried to inject a little science and fact into the conversation. 

Sometimes they would then call me gay or trans which I usually laughed at and either went along with or simply didn't disagree.  (Technically, I'm married with kids and not gay, at least by their definition).

After a while people just mostly quit talking like that around me with no other apparent negative feelings.

I think people do see me as a little eccentric or weird though which is perfectly fine with me because in fact I am LOL.


Sapere Aude

[iKate]

Generally I just avoid those topics with people. I talk privately one on one with people if I see the need to come out to them. Early on though I left my friends behind who gave me a hard time about my gender.

For me, not being outed is far more important than speaking up. You can't change some people. Being a woman is far more important to me than being Trans. That said, I support LGBT rights with my wallet and I do contact legislators in my state and others.

My family, I deal with it on a case by case basis. My aunt was being really mean so I unfriended her. My dad I really wish would talk to me but I'm not angry at him. The rest seem to be accepting.

One more thing - I notice people mostly make fun of and ridicule Caitlyn Jenner and not people like andreija peijic or Laverne cox. To me it seems as though it's individual not general transphobia.

Only one person has ever referred to me in the context of being gay. I was never a gay man. Just wasn't my thing. I am a woman, period end of story.

People respect me in general so they extend that to my gender identity.

[alissalyn]

I don't feel you should linger on the hypocritical element of it.  We're human, we're all hypocrites.. is just one of the inborn traits that we have.  as Francois de La Rochefoucauld said "Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue." back in the 17th century. In our somewhat recent past ... 2006,  Jeremy Lott took the idea that hypo racy is a necessary evil to an even greater level in his book In defense of Hypocracy

Hypocrisy is so widespread that it might as well be part of our DNA. ...it is useful... ...It also provides a way for good men to pay lip service to heinous governments and warped social customs while working to thwart and ultimately undermine them.  You see, hypocrisy is not just a necessary evil. It's also an engine of moral progress.

And let us not forget these words:

I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God -- tender, personal love," she wrote to one adviser. "If you were (there), you would have said, 'What hypocrisy.'

I utter words of community prayers -- and try my utmost to get out of every word the sweetness it has to give -- but my prayer of union is not there any longer -- I no longer pray.

Was penned by Mother Theresa in her journal expressing her loss of faith, but still in the name of her religion she continued to help thousands, inspire millions, lived a life that made this world a much better place.  It's appalling that after those statements were released that  people began to throw the words hypocrite at her and condemning her for her actions. She saw the value in hypocrisy, and in not revealing her lost so that she could continue and make the world a better place. 

So short answer, your actions can be seen as hypocritical, but on the Mother Theresa side of the spectrum in the word.  I do the same as well. and am close friends, friends I've known for 25 out of the 31 yeas of my life.  Friends that sometimes spew verbal fecal matter all over the place with a mix of baseless irrational phobia derived from whatever uneducated source that influenced them.  It's not that they don't know the real me. but rather they only know a part of me, and I have and will continue to bite my tongue and steal my heart when they have their bouts of prejudice, and I will be a hypocrite and continue to be their friend. One day, maybe not from me but they'll find out and though they may not wish to talk to me. At the very they would know as  a fact, that they were friends with a transgendered gurl, and that I was nothing like what their words painted me out to be, and maybe he'd be, or allow his children to be a little more open-minded. 

I had a bit to drink and got sloppy and left a few things out and a few things on and my mother got an eyeful of those few things when she visited unexpectedly,  What followed suit was a month long of either non-speaking / not acknowledging each other, or an aggressive plea for me to be "normal" which always lead down the bath of heated exchanges and words we didn't truly mean when we said them.  With the help of my god-sister I came to the realization that it's not just me, that yes, I am the one with Gender Dysphoria but I am not a victim of Gender Dysphoria, and in this case, my mom,  she is a victim of my GD. Everything SHE KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, as an undisputed  fact, came crashing down on her. Taking into account for the generation gap I decided to not lose my temper and to sit through the god awful word choices, outdated references, and intolerant hurtful words she has so she can let out all that fear and doubt.

We had a few long talks and though I was prepared for it, some words, especially coming from your mother cuts hard and is probably the most pain I've ever felt.  The consequence of it all is a good one. she started to watch the documentaries I suggested and she's reading about gender dysphoria as well. She's even come up to me and asked me bout how I felt, and when I knew for sure. 

All in all, she supports me but she hasn't accepted me yet.  a bit of a paradox. but a somewhat understandable  one ... I think.

(sorry for the long post... I enjoy writing despite what the # of grammatical errors would suggest. More often than naught I go off on these long tangents. Filling it up with run-ons and using way too many words than what would have been considered to be adequately sufficient in communicating my opinion. Hope my experience offered some insight, help, entertainment, or at the very least distracted from your usual angst for a tidbit.

[Tristyn]

I think when it boils down to the egg, you really have to choose between either tolerance or intolerance. To be tolerant means to put up with or deal with the presence of whoever, being family or friends or whatever, for their sake.

But to be intolerant would be to distance oneself from these people for your's and my sake to be free and who we are without their negative or negligently indifferent input. I've had to cut off my one, true friend because he can't handle my transman true self. Ah, you know what they say; "You'll know who your real friends are once you come out!" 

[Jacqueline]

My experience has been like Deborah's.

Whether family or friends, I tend to get into it. However, as I am not out yet, it is on the conjecture and scientific level.

I am sure some mutter gay or something similar. However, I have been called that since I was in high school. I love my gay friends but don't really think I am. My biggest reaction is more often, "really, that's all you've got?" After 30 years or so, there really is no teeth in that.(and yet I am still not fully out to all-that's my fear and hypocrisy).

Joanna

[stephaniec]

I solved that issue for myself a while ago. It's not the most recommended approach , but it works. I just said good bye to my past and moved on.