I can't decide, am I a coward?

[mickey.megan]

I'm a woman in a mans body.  And I am seeing a psychologist that works with transgender people. I'm struggling because I AM transgender and older, I'm married and have kids.  My therapist is very wise and they tell me that everything happens for a reason and this is a most difficult problem and I need to be patient and give it time to figure itself out. Wise words but I feel the clock is ticking all the time.  I read somewhere another person like me who said they were NOT transitioning because for them it was to late and they were going to accept the "hand of cards they were dealt" and live life as a man, internally as a woman. I get it...and I'm almost there but I'm not at peace.

My wife (Cis woman) does not want me to transition, and when ever I show any femme traits she says mean things to me like "Are you getting weird again?" or "what are you doing???"

And I want to be her husband, but I want to be a woman.  I'm so torn.. I'm broken inside. And I'm bitterly jealous of those couples whose partner accepts them. My partner doesn't, yet I keep hoping she will come around.

To make matters worse, my wife thinks I'm talking to a therapist about why I'm NOT transgender, "getting my head straight", and I'm talking to my therapist about how to handle being transgender. I am, and my therapist agrees that this is real so at least I have that.

Now we are trying to figure out what to do about it.  If I was younger I would transition, completely, hormones, SRS, FRS, all of it....  but its complicated now. I'm married, I have a wife who I care deeply about, I have kids, a job at a high tech company(I'm a manager), I have family on both sides that I care about. We have a house, a community we live in etc... so there is so much responsibility.

I really want to do this... but I really don't want to disrupt everyone's lives and I am just to late to do it.. My wife won't tolerate it (so she says) and said that if I do, its divorce.

I wanted to come out in January but it was just a fantasy, I am a coward. Why can't I stop playing with fire? has anyone else struggled so hard? how long did  it take to find the answer, or the courage? What caused the courage?

:-(

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I just posted this in another thread, you need to be honest with each other. It doesn't sound like that's happening. Open up the lines of communication!

For me, courage wasn't involved. I learned that I was transgender and embraced it. It's tough crap for those that don't want to embrace it with me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Devlyn]

Don't apologize about using the site for its intended purpose.    Even if we don't have answers (I rarely do!  ), we're always here to listen to each other. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Waex]

I so want open communication more than anything, but in my relationship I feel like I have PTSD from all the fighting and yelling, and arguments over the years. We have sat with counselors and every single time my wife says the counselor is a waste of time. :| so we go 2, 3 times and she is done. Now I'm seeing a therapist on my own and they mostly listen so far :|. But have pointed out that my wife needs to get her own life together and I can't control what she does. which is true but doesn't help any.

My thoughts are with you. Just remember that the future is rarely stagnant. A major event (initially good or bad) may convince you whether or not to transition. Usually I find that most of the people closest to me are more accepting than I would have given them credit for. Fights may turn into hugs. Hang in there girl. Waex.

[Emileeeee]

I struggled for awhile and we have similar backgrounds. I'm married with kids, I'm also working with the golden handcuffs, terrified of losing that income and with it all the things that help me provide for the family. When you focus on all that could go wrong, you get overwhelmed. I did the same thing. You really do need to take it one step at a time. That's how I did it and I'm just shy of telling work right now. Every step has been equally as scary, but I pushed through.

Like another poster said, you need an open line of communications with your wife. Keeping secrets is no way to live. It sounds like you're telling her what she wants to hear in order to save the marriage. Both of your feelings matter here. I think you need to seriously ask yourself, maybe discuss it with your therapist, if you would be able to be happy, truly happy, burying this down deep for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, that needs to be discussed in my opinion.

When I told mine, it was with the expectation of losing her and the best case scenario being to retain her as a friend. That was something I learned to accept, even though I didn't like it, before I made that decision.

[JoanneB]

Hmmm  Let's see. I started taking on the trans beast, for real, when I was just over 50. I've been involved with the same woman for almost 40 years now. I experimented with transitioning twice in my early 20's. Lost one wife, engagement called off by another woman, Love my job, it's a MAJOR part of who I am and do not want to risk that any more then I dare to hurt my wife. Which, loosing either one means loosing both. I lived part time as female several years ago.  Been in therapy about the GD for a good 7 years. HRT for about the same. TG support group even longer. Almost 3 years with a for real gender therapist. Today I live almost exclusively as male in the outside world due to a change in circumstances.

I know where my true joy lies if I lived in a perfect world. I know I do not, thus I need to make compromises, TODAY. Same as my wife is making compromises seeing her husband is not the 'Man' she thought he was. What I thought I could be. That in a wierd way I can miss, untill I remind myself what an ass I turned myself into.

I often think I got the GD beat. I can put the vials and syringes away in a memory box. A chapter written. If I lived in a perfect world I would. I know I do not, thus I take my HRT to remain at peace, to have some measure of harmony in my life.

I also often thank my lucky stars I do not NEED to transition, Today. Some days, weeks even, it's a close contest. I also know I am in no where near the bad emotional state many of my transitioned group members were or are.

Am I coward for not being 'All In'? Or, am I being wise or prudent? At age 58 I am LONG past my prime. My wife had often remarked "No one in their right mind wants to be a 50 year old woman". I haven't heard that in a long time now and I'm still in my 50's.

I cannot say if you are a coward. The only possible reason I can conjure up is one I do not have facts on. How often, or how sincerely have you told your wife about the GD. I suspect you have and she is in the land of denial and anger. Perhaps always a touch of anger before dropping the T-Bomb. So you see, I can't even agree that you are cowardly on that front. She, like many others, may also be in the "All in or you ain't" camp when it comes GD. If only GD was that simplistic

[SamKelley]

You're not a coward. This is hard. My wife told me she supports me but if I transition she's gone. She told me she thought I had a mental disorder and it runs in my family. That hasn't helped me at all and invalidated what I was going through.

I tried to focus on the 5% chance I thought I had of not transitioning with my wife. But in reality I personally was focusing on the 95% chance I had of transitioning. I wasn't being fair or honest with her.

It seems like the severity of dysphoria is different for different people. Some people seem to be able to not transition, and still be happy. That hasn't been the case for me personally, though I wish it was for the sake of my family unit. I'm normally strong of will, but my gender identity has seemed out of my control, so I've just learned to accept it and come to peace with it.

*hugs*
sami

[RobynD]

My heart goes out to you. My wife is currently supportive but guardedly so and we have a lot of ground to cover and there is more than a few issues as i am becoming more feminine by the month. The therapist is right though, don't feel rushed. Honesty with your spouse is hard when their reactions are consistently negative.

One thing that helped my wife and i was to set specific times to follow up on my transition and compare notes, fears and feelings. Then we also set specific spaces of time such as dates, trips, projects etc where we specifically would never bring up my transition or anything related. This helped us focus on just enjoying what we did agree on and share and left the other stuff for another time.

The way you describe PTSD because of arguments though is concerning. If you are avoiding all conflict on this, then you are likely being somewhat controlled by her reactions. I would continue to lovingly encourage her to got to counseling or communicate about this.

[KathyLauren]

I feel for you.  I suspect that I will be in a very similar position when I come out to my wife.  I'd love to be pleasantly surprised, but I'm pretty sure that her reaction will be negative.

I have thought long and hard about this.  I have pretty much decided that I can live with whatever happens.  That is an important step in the decision to come out. 

I've lived 61 years with the dysphoria, so if I have to remain a man, I know I can (reluctantly) do it.  I am finding that the knowledge and understanding that I have gained from hanging out here on Susan's has helped reduce the severity of the dysphoria.  Just knowing who I am is a plus.

If she leaves me, it will be painful and hard.  My worst fear there is the poverty that will result from the division of assets.  (I kick myself for not getting a prenup before we married!)  But, I have resolved to live through it, with the carrot that I will then get to transition.

And if something unexpected happens, I'll deal with it as it comes.

My point is that these are all decisions.  I have thought about each possible outcome, and decided that I genuinely am okay with dealing with it.

My target 'out' day is March 20th, the day the local film society is showing The Danish Girl.  *Gulp!*

[Maybebaby56]

At age 58 I am LONG past my prime. My wife had often remarked "No one in their right mind wants to be a 50 year old woman".

Lol!  <Raises hand>  I do! I do!

I am also 58. Yup, I will never be a hot twenty-something, or thirty-something, or even forty-something female. But I will live as a female before my time is up. That I have promised myself.  I have already lost my marriage, so all I have to worry about is alienating my kids, and the anxiety with transitioning at work.

My goal is to get SRS by 60.  I want 10 good years (i.e. no major health issues, financially stable, etc.) to live my life as a woman.  With today's health care, and if I take care of my body, and maybe with a little help from a plastic surgeon, I think I can look good and feel good as a woman for my sixth decade of life.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I want hope in my life.  I don't want to throw in the towel and tell myself I have to live as a man the rest of my life.

~Terri

[Deborah]

My story is also pretty similar to yours including feeling like a coward.  What caused the courage?  For me it was because I was at rock bottom.  I felt like crap all the time and spent many nights falling asleep with the hope I would die overnight and not have to face another day.  My marriage off 32 years at the time sucked because since I felt bad all the time I was constantly verbally abusive to my wife.  So, maybe it wasn't courage as much as sheer desperation.  That was a year ago when I started HRT.

Things are better now although my transition is not so much like everyone else here.  All I have really done so far is take HRT and grow my hair.  It helps I guess that I don't have any great desire to wear any particular clothes and that I'm being increasingly publically tagged as female in my regular clothes anyway.  I'm not exactly sure where and when this is leading but just take it one day at a time.  One thing I am sure of though is that there has been no downside.  I am happier, my wife is happy, and as for the ones at work that keep talking about my appearance change, I find them entertaining.  I have mentally prepared my mind to out myself there if my hair ever does become an issue.  Luckily, I work for a federal contractor so I have federal law protections if I need them.

Someone might ask why I don't move faster.  Well, the reason is because things are good now and moving faster forces some unknown variables into the mix.  So I'm acting to maximize happiness while minimizing the risk.  It's working so far so I'll just keep plodding along one day at a time.  Facial hair removal is next on the priority list though.


Sapere Aude

[Dayta]

But have pointed out that my wife needs to get her own life together and I can't control what she does.

This is one of the most important realizations that you'll ever come to.  Yes, you have responsibilities to your family, but they don't include being someone or something that you're not.  It can be hard when you are working on yourself in therapy and your partner is not.  There's a language that you begin to speak that sounds foreign to them.  I started going to therapy to save my marriage, and after about a year I began to realize that the therapy had nothing to do with my marriage, it was about me. 

I hope that in your case it turns around.  But in the mean time, use your therapy to understand what you want and whether you're willing to make the necessary sacrifices for it.  There's no right or wrong decision, but not deciding IS deciding.  Good luck and let us know how it's going, please. 

[AmeliaVA]

I wish I could offer some advice from the standpoint of having been through what it is like to tell a spouse, but I can't.  I have not gotten to that point yet, but I am guessing that it will be in my future based on how I feel.  One thing I can say is you are not a coward.  This is not easy at all.  The other thing I wanted to say was thank you to all the people who responded.  Your advice is helping many others and I just wanted to add my appreciation.

[JLT1]

Hi,

That was my situation in Janurary 2010.  Its now six full years later.  Four really tough years as that is when I gave up the male thing.  I transitioned to full time in June 2014.  Two and a half years after I decided to live rather than die.  Wife still with me, job still here, neighbors accepting, family mostly OK. 

More later as I'm at work.  It can be done.

Hugs

Jen