A Strange Conversation With A Friend

[BeverlyAnn]

I have a friend who was the first co-worker to know that I was transgender.  I've actually known her for 20 years, first as a co-worker and later as a friend.  The way she found out I was transgender was kind of a slip on my part.  We were working on a project copying material and putting together the notebooks for a class at Delta I was teaching and she noticed little remnants of red polish where I didn't get it off my nails.  She asked, I explained.  She is also the person who went with my wife and I to see The Danish Girl and I honestly think she is more excited about my transition than I am!  Oh and she is the only Gold Star Lesbian I've ever known.

However, Friday night we were chatting on Facebook about my appointment in March for HRT and that I planned to start social transition as far as clothing goes around Sep. 1st.  I jokingly mentioned Saturday morning was supposed to be 24 degrees so I would be wearing leggings, an oversized men's shirt that could almost be a dress on me and black satin slippers.  So this started a discussion on clothing when she said couldn't I try wearing something from this millenium.  I said her style hadn't changed in the 20 years I've known her when she considered a backhanded compliment.  She mentioned I was going to be the absolute frilliest, girlliest woman she knew based on past history of what I've worn to her house.  Now this is where it gets weird.  She asked me couldn't I just be a really butch lesbian in my manner of dress and get short hair wigs./next line/ For me. Plz.  I made a joke about I sleep in a pink nightgown with pink roses embroidered on the neckline that my wife gave me for Christmas and I had no choice but to be a lipstick lesbian.  She wasn't really happy about that answer and I have no idea why.  I just don't know why it would be so important to her for me to be a truly butch lesbian. 

Anybody got any ideas why?

[Ms Grace]

Maybe she fancies you... but would "fancy you more" if you were butch...??

Dunno, that's all I got.

[KathyLauren]

It might be hurting her self-confidence for you to look more feminine than she does.

[Peep]

It's probably a kind of "welcome to the club this is how we do it" thing that happens to newly out cis lesbians as well. At least when i identified as a cis lesbian I got that kind of thing - where they think you're new to being you and need advice???

also leggings and a big tee are spot on 2k15/2k16 fashion fyi sooo

[BeverlyAnn]

Maybe she fancies you... but would "fancy you more" if you were butch...??

Dunno, that's all I got.

Grace, that's what is really confusing.  I didn't meet the woman she was dating a few months back but when we worked together, she was always attracted to much more feminine women.

KathyLauren, I don't think it's self confidence.  Like I said, I've been to her house many times and a couple of times during Southern Comfort Conference when I was still a conference staff member, she came downtown and we went out to dinner.  I would normally be wearing a LBD or something along the same line to dinner and at her house would usually be a denim skirt/sweater or similar. Never seemed to bother her.

Peep, you may have come closest although I don't know why she would see it that way.  Since 1998, I've probably had three times as many friends in the trans/lesbian/gay community than I have straight friends.  So it's not like I need an introduction.

I don't know, it's just when somebody you've known for a long time comes out of the blue, clear sky with something like that it messes with your mind. 

[Jacqueline]

BeverlyAnn,

Is it possible that notion of a "lipstick lesbian" is perceived as kind of a fantasy stereotype? Maybe she was hoping you could help move to what she considers a more grounded image? Maybe in the way many trans girls or some fluid folk don't see the need for an all or nothing transition...(okay without passing or being clockable). Could be she was hoping you would not embrace the stereo type.

I know my wife has said that "girls don't wear dresses all the time". However, I do think that for some of us, we are drawn to more feminine side to counter what has gone before. I can only speak for myself. I feel like I have to start further to the frill to just land in the center.

Hope this all resolves itself to keep your friendship.

With warmth,

Joanna