Afraid

[J79]

I just turned 37 and I haven't done much to deal with my gender issues. I'm afraid I never will.

I remember wishing I was a girl since I was in grade school. I always just thought there was something wrong with me. I was in deep denial about my feelings for so long.

Then I met my wife. She showed me that there was nothing wrong with me! She showed me how to put on make up. She showed me all sorts of things.

Now we both want kids, so I've been holding off even thinking about transitioning so I can get her pregnant and have a family! I only wish I could be the one to stay home, but I make more money.

Every time I look at this it tears me up. Sometimes I just wish I could live this great life I've made for myself. But no, in the back of my mind is always this ever burning desire to be a woman.

Every time I feel like maybe I waited too long and it's too late for me I read about someone older. I flop back and forth and it's driving me insane. As it is Prozac is the only way I keep myself from being depressed.

I just needed to share. I've been reading posts here for so long and they all sound like me! They are all thoughts I've had and feelings I've felt.

I just have so many fears and questions! And I've been so silent for so long. Long time listener first time caller? lol

Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

-Gwen


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[Devlyn]

Hi Gwen, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Putting your thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to read is an act of courage in itself. Plus, it's therapeutic.  Congratulations on that step! Here are some links you should check out. I'll be seeing you around the site. 

Hugs, Devlyn

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[XxCosmicEvan]

Eventually everything for you will work out i'm sure and you'll be living happily ever after 
i guess i can't say much but,  keep smiling. 

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. It is possible to save sperm and it's also possible to do much of the early transition work before starting HRT so after your last child is born, you can quickly move into your new roll. You are still young enough to transition and we have many here who started much latter than you. My surgery was at age 30 though I knew what my path in life would be at age 13. We are willing to help you find the place in life with you belong. Feel free to ask any question you might have and we will do our best to answer them.

[JLT1]

Hi Gwen!

Reading is good, being a member is better.  Welcome!

You have time.  Start therapy with a person who works with transgendered individuals.  Include you wife in everything you do, plan or even think.  It will work out!

Hugs

Jen

[Tessa James]

Hello Gwen and welcome to Susan's Place.

I lived in a place dominated by the fear of discovery for most of my adult life.  First it was the fear of being hurt and rejected for being queer and i got through that to a sense of pride in the early 80s.  I never intended to come out as transgender and expected to die with a shame based secret.  For many of us the dysphoria and truth of our gender is a progressive weight that gets harder to carry, doesn't go away for long, and yet is invisible to others.  My private life was a shambles while professionally I succeeded and finally retired.  Perhaps i felt free with no more bosses, dead parents and no one who could stop me I finally came out.

i would guess we have all been afraid.  How much do we want to feed that wolf vs the better angels singing the truth?

[V M]

Hi Gwen 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Tech_Nymph]

It's never too late to start taking steps into a direction that makes you a happier person. Like you I waited for a time before joining. But any questions you have can likely be answered by some of the lovely people here. Fire away!

Wishing you a warm welcome,
Nymph