Big guilt feeling is blocking me from living as me

[Amoré]

well I got new hair today also decided to go with my mood and went dark and straight

[Amoré]

This is a part that is pissing me off about woman like my wife. My wife is not the most feminine woman on earth she doesn't dress feminine she will never wear a dress she rarely wears makeup she never does her hair nice it is always in a pony. Then she told me today I am was not man enough for her. Well because I was trans and wanted to be a woman have boobs wear dresses and have long hair and wear makeup. Well okay that is traits of a woman but come on long hair and foundation to cover a blemish. That makes me not man enough. But okay lets turn it around now that I am becoming a woman am I not going to be woman enough if I fish, ride motorcycle fly rc helicopters that is mainly a man sport and kick their asses because I am like one of the best in South Africa with a couple of national titles under my belt. I like sport cars and owned 3 already and I know more about cars than most girls. That makes me a guys dream men don't mind and find it attractive if a woman shows interest in men's things. But turn the table dare a man show interest in woman's things or show some sort of femininity or be trans and say I will stay a man but I can't help some things that pops up in my brain. Then you are not man enough why this double standard. I was told I F up her whole life with my crap and she want to start over again. Because continuing with me is impossible for her because she can't be with me because I am not considered a man anymore. Okay it is difficult going back to being a man now but surely. But when I wanted to stay a man I still was not worthy of her title of man.

[Qrachel]

Dear Amore:

I've been keeping up with your posts and events as they unfold.  You are doing the right thing by sharing here - keep it up. 

This will take a while to begin to normalize so that you feel more whole and able to see life as promising.  I leave you one simple thought: Keep each day simple (1 thing to do and do it) and forget tomorrow.  Tomorrow find one more thing to do and do it.  Wash-rinse and repeat!

You are making progress and in time you'll see that!  Take good care and much love.

Rachel

P.S. Love the pics

[Amoré]

Dear Amore:

I've been keeping up with your posts and events as they unfold.  You are doing the right thing by sharing here - keep it up. 

This will take a while to begin to normalize so that you feel more whole and able to see life as promising.  I leave you one simple thought: Keep each day simple (1 thing to do and do it) and forget tomorrow.  Tomorrow find one more thing to do and do it.  Wash-rinse and repeat!

You are making progress and in time you'll see that!  Take good care and much love.

Rachel

P.S. Love the pics

Thank you Rachel

I can think that it will take a while to normalise and especially what I am doing now by living full time. If I go to a shop I am so dysphoric of my voice and normally get like a smile if I speak. I think they are shocked or something when I speak. I spoke to my popsicle now on the phone and it was hard. I just want to go home to them but I know it is not my home anymore. I am not a man to her anymore and less a husband. All I can do now is make an enemy out of her or work towards being a friend of sorts.

Progress is certainly on the books and I think I am taking it a step at a time. Well I get stared at by men so much it makes me feel awkward because I don't know if they are staring because I look strange or because I look beautiful to them. I don't get the same reaction from woman so I guess it is the second one I hope.

[Amoré]

Well at this stage it felt that I screwed up my life,I screwed up my marriage,I screwed up my last chance to save things with my wife,I screwed up a year of my life battling with dysphoria last year,I screwed up living under the same roof with my family,I screwed up growing old with my wife, I screwed up having another child with her,I screwed up being with my daughter each day until she goes out of the house, I screwed up what I build in life, my own business, my financial stability, the respect I had by family siblings, my own identity I must find the person that I really am now the person that I tried to be is gone. I dont know I can add to the list but this is things I feel guilty about. This is things that I cry about especially sins we tried for another child before the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan.

I screwed up and life brought me to this point I don't know why. Maybe I broke down and could not keep it up because of emotional abuse and self destructed maybe I just could not keep it al together and it all hung on a string but last year was hell and my life fell apart.