Rock and a Hard Place

[Ayzeres]

I'm 32 and have lived most of my life believing the only way I could become who I wanted to be is if I vanish from everyone and everything I know and love. To be someone else, somewhere else. I wear my men's clothing, cut my hair short. I'm not FTM... I tell myself that, because it's easier. I don't have to go through awkward social problems at school and work. I don't have to face my dad's abomination speech every visit home, because he thinks I'm a lesbian. I don't have to go through years of rejection, pain and surgery. I had given up on the idea of HRT. Given up on being a male, because I'm sexually attracted to men. Isn't it easier being a woman and being with a man? No... it's not.

And now... I've become emotionally involved with a man who is cisgender gay. We met and hit it off. He thinks I'm one in a million. He wants to pay for my transition. Now I don't know what to do... I want this, but there's all these roadblocks. My family... my work... my body. Will this go well, when I'm so much older than most? Do I really want to try at this point? Should I let this man pay for my T and top surgery? I don't even know. He has no reason to offer this to me. What if I am only agreeing out of pressure because he likes me and I'm lonely?

[Devlyn]

Hi Ayzeres, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm 54 and spent most of my life alone. Now I'm emotionally involved with a bisexual man. It does come with a lot of issues and questions I never considered before. You're asking a lot of questions, and honestly if you're thinking of them all at the same time, it's bound to end up going in circles. Take a deep breath, and tackle one issue at a time. First, allow yourself to understand that it's OK to be loved, and it is a feeling you should enjoy. You deserve it.

Someone is bound to come by with smarter advice than me, you can read this Rules pamphlet in the meantime. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

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[Qrachel]

Dear Ayzeres:

You are deserving of the life you want. Just like any new relationship: go slow, be honest, be open and don't do things out of guilt or fear. If it's love, it'll be a loving relationship.  Give it time.

As for the family, it probably won't be easy and there may be some losses but you can't live vicariously through them.  It's time to have the talk, done with love and respect independent of how it is received.

Please stay in touch,

Rachel

[lionheart]

Try to forget about all the factors that could affect your transition other than your own personal feelings. Imagine yourself living as male in 5, 10, 20 years. If it makes you happy, then go for it. A lot of people believe transitioning is a selfish process - in some ways, it is - but in the end your own happiness should be your number one priority in life and there's nothing wrong with that. But that means you have to be 100% sure that it's what you want to do. Take all the time you need.

[stephaniec]

I'm 64 and if I met a wealthy person who wanted to help me I wouldn't have a problem with it. If your really concerned you can always get a legal document specifying the terms of the gift or just write something up informally stating the purpose of the gift and  terms involved as in no obligations.

[Tamika Olivia]

I dunno if I would agree with the document advice. From a legal perspective, the document wouldn't do much of anything. There's no "consideration" that would make the promise to pay for the surgery a binding contract in the future, and if it's a simple gift the act of conveyance would be enough to complete the gift, no paper necessary. The document might be useful as evidence of some sort of promissory estoppel, but that's a dodgy bet at best.

Basically, all the legal document is going to do is add a level of formality to an already fraught situation. I'm not sure if you should accept the offer, or if I would in your place, but I do know that if you do want to, you should do it because you trust him and the situation, and an attempt to formalize the arrangement would vitiate the trust. 

[Qrachel]

Dear Ayzeres:

I'm following your thread.  I totally get it's not easy but if it were easy there wouldn't be much point to it.  The only way to know is to take some intelligent risk.  As for FTM . . . Hey dude, it'll be fine in time.

Rachel