Struggling to stay optimistic

[Peep]

I had a therapy meeting today where the therapist told me that I would never pass as male, and that i have to be prepared to be treated as a freak and an outcast by everyone around me. I know I'm trans and I don't doubt my own identity, it's more that i doubt how tough i am and if i'm going to be able to handle all of this. i don't know what to do any more. i know i'll be unhappy not transitioning but i don't know any more if i'll be happy transitioning. i feel kind of like i've been handed a death sentence, not to be over dramatic... but it feels like i've been told that there's no way ever that i'm ever going to feel just like averagely happy. the worst part is that i know i'd never have a job or make a friend as a female (because i presented as female for 24 years and was miserable and shy and lonely the whole time) so it's not even like I've got a safety net to fall back on.

I know that the gender identity clinics want people to be sure and they want to weed out the people who are being mislead by others or are transitioning on a whim, and that this is maybe scare tactics, but it's kind of working. maybe i shouldn't aim for anything more than being a shut in for the rest of my life, transition or no transition.

[suzifrommd]

I had a therapy meeting today where the therapist told me that I would never pass as male, and that i have to be prepared to be treated as a freak and an outcast by everyone around me.

Hugs, Peep.

You didn't ask my opinion, so feel free to skip this or ignore it if it's not helpful. IMO, your therapist was completely out of line. No one I know who had any understanding at all of what gender dysphoria is would say anything like this to a trans person. I have serious doubts as to whether this person understands enough about being transgender to give you even halfway decent guidance.

I know many trans people who don't pass. Not one of them is treated as a freak or an outcast. People who know I'm trans have nearly all been respective, accepting and supportive.

What your therapist said is IGNORANT. No other word for it.

If it were me, I'd demand another therapist, and make sure any other trans people you know are warned to stay away from him.

I know that the gender identity clinics want people to be sure and they want to weed out the people who are being mislead by others or are transitioning on a whim, and that this is maybe scare tactics, but it's kind of working.

No, that's not their job. Their job is to make sure you are supported in your efforts to figure out what is right for you. People generally don't transition on a whim, and scaring transgender people is not just misguided, it's dangerous. 40% of us have attempted suicide, and they're likely to push this number higher.

Please don't pay attention to this guy. You know who you are and you know what you need to do. You have more than enough strength to do it.

[Peep]

Thanks for replying

I've actually been passed on to a specific gender therapist, so i probably won't be seeing this person again unless the GIC is really slow. I just don't know if i should expect more of the same 'tough love' from a GIC, and need to toughen up a bit, or if it'll be better with specialists. They just kept looking at me like i was some kind of tragedy. it wasn't very empowering lol

I also said that i felt like i was being emotionally blackmailed by my parents into staying in the closet, and they basically agreed with my parents and acted like i had no right to ask for help from the people around me. I keep getting told that everyone is miserable about what i'm doing but i've not even changed my name yet. nothing has changed for them aside from the knowledge that my jeans say topman in them and not topshop. they also keep forgetting or ignoring when i've got therapy appointments, like they're so incredibly grief stricken that they can't even remember that i'm transitioning? yeah sure

[Devlyn]

I live as a freak, I'm smack dab in between male and female. You know what?  No one treats me like a freak. I get varied replies, some people see me as female, some as male, some make a big point of using sir on me. But I don't think even those people have that much malice in them. I think they're reacting to something that caught them by surprise. So tell the therapist you're ready for the horrors of The World. Then don't be surprised when you don't find it. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

I just don't know if i should expect more of the same 'tough love' from a GIC, and need to toughen up a bit, or if it'll be better with specialists. They just kept looking at me like i was some kind of tragedy.

If they treat you the same way, they're one step away from malpractice. You deserve at the very least a therapist who understands why you need to transition and that there is no one right way to transition. Anyone who thinks trans people are a "tragedy" hasn't met many of us and is probably a bit transphobic.

[Peep]

I think they're just a bit inexperienced :/ they kept comparing me to them, them being a cis woman, and i just couldn't explain why her experiences were by definition not relevant... I wish i had the confidence to stick up for myself more

[Peep]

The more i think about this the worse i feel, it's made me really tired. It's not that I don't want to ever hear anything negative, i just think that the assumption that I'm too stupid to work out that Some People Look Down on Trans People is really patronising and kind of rude. It's not as if the only other things i've heard are positive, i mean everything i read about trans people is about the suicide murder rates poverty harassment depression how selfish i am... when will someone say one positive thing to me? I really fully understand all of the cons, now can we please have some pros?

I know that i can expect rudeness from the generic people on the street and from some of my more old fashioned relatives but i didn't expect it from a mental health professional. They actually made me pretty depressed which is like the opposite of their job. haha.

[FTMDiaries]

That comment was 100% out of line, and very unsupportive. I recommend you report this therapist - either to their supervisory body, or to PALS (if they're an NHS therapist). She needs a lot of further training before she's allowed to work with vulnerable trans people in the future. She sounds downright transphobic. I've heard some very bad reports of a few very transphobic GIC therapists and doctors and we're working hard to get them weeded out of the system, but it takes time.

A lot of therapists (including those at GICs) like to throw out challenging questions so that they can make sure you're serious and are making the right choices for yourself. But a therapist has no way of knowing how your body would respond to a medical transition, if that's what you want. T can completely transform you, particularly as you're relatively young. Add top surgery and even bottom surgery into the mix and in many cases nobody would ever guess that we were AFAB. So she doesn't know what she's talking about!

But yes, perhaps they're trying to get you to think seriously about whether this is the right move for you. Try not to take this to heart: they do this to all of us; it's part of their protocol. If it does make you reconsider, then whatever answers you get out of this process will probably be the right ones. Also, consider the possibility that this therapist might subscribe to certain strains of feminist theory that might lead her to believe that all trans men are just 'lesbians who're ashamed of being lesbian' (yes, I've had that thrown at me too!) and that she should try to convince us to accept being lesbians. Which, of course is hilarious for those of us who have no interest in women... but then they just switch to thinking it'd be 'easier' to just continue presenting as female so that we can attract straight guys. 

BTW, if it helps you to know this: I'm in my mid-40s but started transitioning at age 40, after having had two kids. Yes, I was asked the same sort of questions and many more besides. I was also worried that I'd left it too late to transition; would T have enough of an effect at my age, especially with all the damage my body has suffered from having kids? Well... a couple of years down the line I now pass 100% and nobody treats me like a freak. But even when I didn't pass, the worst I might've got was the occasional bit of side-eye, and who cares about that? I'm not in charge of other people's opinions, so I try to ignore them wherever possible.

It can - and often does - get better.

[Kylo]

Some therapist by the sound of it.

You'd be amazed what T can do - or a bit of facial hair if you feel like trying it out after T. It really does make a huge difference, even to a rounder, less masculine-looking face.

At the end of the day if you're already feeling crap because life is tough trying to live in the wrong box (it is, I know) then just say you understand the risks and do it for yourself anyway. There's not much to lose, and potentially much to gain. I know what it's like going through life wanting to avoid people for the most part, because of this condition, and I don't feel like there'd be any difference whatsoever if people started calling me a freak for being transsexual, or a freak for just not fitting in.

Honestly I think it's practically protocol for them to tell you all these negative things to see if you're scared off by them, because it's protocol to weed out the people who think they "might" want to transition from the ones who really must. It sucks, but they've done it for me too. Do you know your life is going to get more difficult, do you know you're going to have issues down there permanently if you do this, do you know there's no going back... yadda yadda yadda. Nobody's talked about the positives at all; that's all on me, apparently.

[stephaniec]

It sounds like you had the unlucky chance of running into one of the physicians that needs their license taken away or should never of been allowed to practice medicine in the first place.

[Peep]

Thank you everyone for your support

Also, consider the possibility that this therapist might subscribe to certain strains of feminist theory that might lead her to believe that all trans men are just 'lesbians who're ashamed of being lesbian' (yes, I've had that thrown at me too!) and that she should try to convince us to accept being lesbians. Which, of course is hilarious for those of us who have no interest in women... but then they just switch to thinking it'd be 'easier' to just continue presenting as female so that we can attract straight guys. 

She didn't seem to believe me when i said i was attracted to girls, because I'm dating a guy at the moment, haha. She said that sometimes "late bloomers" think they're gay because they're not attracted to anyone yet... yes, true, but, not what i was saying :/ She also flat out told me that she didn't believe that my boyfriend would be supportive of me (he is). again i know that not every straight guy would be but i just don't need the added paranoia... and i was kind of offended on behalf of my bf, i don't know if that's irrational

At the end of the day if you're already feeling crap because life is tough trying to live in the wrong box (it is, I know) then just say you understand the risks and do it for yourself anyway. There's not much to lose, and potentially much to gain. I know what it's like going through life wanting to avoid people for the most part, because of this condition, and I don't feel like there'd be any difference whatsoever if people started calling me a freak for being transsexual, or a freak for just not fitting in.

yeah this is pretty much how i feel. i've experienced low-key 'old lady at the bus stop' type disapproval and outright bullying before... and i know that there's physical danger involved in being trans too, but then there's also physical danger involved in being a human with a vagina and/or visible breasts. i didn't feel safe walking home alone at night before i stopped presenting as female. So...

I know that it's not really professional to do the opposite and promise incredible things from transition either, but there must be a middle ground somewhere where they don't make people's mental health worse after the meeting than it was before? For all they knew i could be actively suicidal - i actually have been lying about how bad i feel and i never disclosed my history with self injury, even if it might 'help' my case, and i can't be the only person in history to lie about being depressed - and this might have pushed me? I do now feel like i have no option but to be miserable in one way or another. I feel less like, 'yay i'm doing something good for myself', and more like 'it'll suck either way so i might as well while i have the chance'. :/ it's a bummer

I know that it's naive to think that transition will magically fix everything, and i don't, but i've only had to think this argument through in my head. talking about it - to someone that i didn't want to think i was crazy - was hard because i didn't want to get into a fight, i wasn't very articulate because i was so anxious, and she kept asking me things that didn't make sense. i feel like even though i knew what i wanted to say i couldn't convince her and it felt like i couldn't convince myself either. i was so confident before hand but i couldn't say the things i wanted to say because i didn't want to seem rude. I'm just kind of annoyed because some of these things i've never told anyone in my life before and i just didn't expect them to be disregarded by someone who is supposed to help?

the worst part is i didn't even need to go to this particular meeting because i'd already been referred to the GIC, but no one had told me. i only made a second appointment because i thought i still needed to convince them to do it.

[Kylo]

I don't think health professionals are trained in how to deal with these things gently. Trans helplines would probably be better (if any exist, I don't know).

In 2002 I went to an NHS counselor because I wanted to do myself in. It took them 6 months to get me one, so if I had really wanted to do myself in, I would have long before that. But I remember the guy talking to me, and how he was talking to me, and what his mannerisms were, and how utterly detached he seemed. We could have been two people having a philosophical debate about the miseries of my life like I was somebody else not present. I mean I know it was just his job; and if I were him listening to people's problems everyday, I'd probably have to be detached to stay sane myself. But if you need encouragement or someone who cares about the situation, health professionals aren't really the ones to go to. A place like this, a help line, friends etc. would at least be focused on the positives. I don't think health professionals are. They are just focused on working through the list, and it's probably not their fault.

[Tristyn]

Hi Peep.

From the looks of things, I think its time to find another therapist. Are they actually knowledgeable at all about gender? For them to bluntly tell you such things cannot be helpful at all. Its like they're trying to purposefully generate a hopeless future scenario for your life. If this is making you feel bad, you should stop seeing them now and find another one. It is my firmest belief that you can be happier on T or if you transition the way you see fit no matter what that silly therapist said to you. And I bet you really do pass as male. That therapist is just a hater. Suppose they are transphobic? Well, if that's the case, they need to look for a new profession!



-Phoenix