Emotional Train Wreck

[SilverWing]

Recently things have been really crazy for me. Basically, here's the rundown: on January 12th, my 18th birthday, I moved out of my parents' house and into a homeless shelter for teens. Since being here, I've just been in a state of ridiculous emotional turmoil because there's just so much good mixed with so much bad.
Starting with the good. Since moving into the shelter, life's been a dream. For the first time ever, people I meet in real life are referring to me as "Nicole" and "her". The school changed my ID to read "Nicole S--", and they put me in the girl's varsity locker room after I informed the gym teacher that I was transitioning and expressed my discomfort with using the men's locker room. I am, for the first time in ages, finally feeling a sense of dignity and independence in my "home" life. I can also do fun things, which I haven't really done in quite a while.
But here's the problem. My parents were really controlling. As a result; I'm afraid to disagree with anyone, I don't have much initiative and keep wanting someone to tell me how and when to do things, and so on. On top of this, my depression, while one source has been put out of the way, is still very present. I continually feel guilt about my parents and keep wondering if I could've done something different, but then at the same time I have fits of paranoia about them trying to come and interfere. (Not to mention, it really hurts that they disowned me and said that they didn't want to stay in contact with me. It hurts badly.) On top of this, my gender dysphoria is getting worse. Now that I'm away from them and don't have them stopping me, it's almost a mania. I have to make myself as feminine as possible every day, because I can barely look at myself if I don't. Not to mention, every single time I become more aware of "my" genitals (through showering, going to the bathroom, or that thing acting up), I invariably think of kitchen knives and how easy it would be to just chop them off and end the pain they cause me. It's even got to the point where I planned it out, so that the doctors wouldn't be able to reattach them. To further this, while people have been telling me that I pass (visually anyway), I always find the flaws. And my voice is a nightmare.
Then, just because this isn't enough, I have to worry about the rest of life: getting Medicaid so I can go to the doctor (hopefully the endocrinologist), getting EBT so I can eat, figuring out how to answer the CollegeBoard Profile thing since my parents aren't with me anymore but their form is kind of set up to force me to have them on there...
I'm having mood swings, I'm having trouble thinking straight, I'm starting to get behind on my schoolwork, and I still have to get a job so I can pay for things because having ten dollars in the bank isn't going to cut it...
If you have even an idea what I should do, please tell me. I'm so lost right now...

[Dena]

Sorry but welcome to adulthood. You now have the freedom of being an adult but you also have the responsibility so to make this work you will need to plan and implement every step you will take well in to the future. You are lucky to be finishing your school but if you are going to hold down a job and school at the same time you will need to make the effort to hold down both. It can be done and I know people who have done it. You just need to remember you are working toward a goal which will require money and an education is the best way to get money.

As for the knife idea, that is a very bad idea for two reasons. The first is you could bleed out before you ever saw a doctor. The second is one I just discovered myself. I didn't know how my surgery was preformed for many years but I have uncovered a surgical report and it turns out some of what was done with my surgery is still done today. The tip of the penis is used to construct a functional clitoris that will give you sexual satisfaction. If you damage that, you will be forgoing becoming a fully functional woman.

If you wish, I can help you with the voice. Depending on your starting point, you may have a fairly feminine voice without surgery but again, it will require work on your part. Training your self to always use the feminine voice takes a few months to a year or better depending on how much you use the voice. It becomes automatic and I have to force myself to use the lower voice. 

I know the road will be hard but hang in there. You have help and if you do the work, I think you can make it.

[Ms Grace]

Yeah, seriously, don't go chopping anything off yourself it would lead to a whole bunch of medical complications on top of the ones Dena mentioned, especially urinary tract infection.

You said you were at school? Do they have a counsellor there because it sounds to me like you really need to have a got chat with someone about your depression and figure out how to deal with it and put in some coping mechanisms.

[stephaniec]

chopping off genitals bad idea. For one thing no matter how quick the ambulance came you wouldn't make it and for another thing you need the nerves for a functional vagina. I know I've thought it out too. You should of seen the look on a psychiatrists face when I told her. I scared the crap out of myself once when I tried pulling them off and ended up in the hospital  bleeding from my penis , I didn't realize I pulled too hard.

[MsMarlo]

Sweetie, whatever changes that you want to make to your body have got to be done by a reputable doctor.  I remember seeing one particular episode of Dr. Phil where a cisgendered woman went to see this quack for a life changing modification to her and OMG it was horrible.  I know you want to change things but its gonna take some time, K?

As far as the voice there is this awesome app called Voice Pitch Analyzer.  It is so cool and lets you work on your pitch- try it out and let me know if you like it (its available free in Google Play Store)


Be safe

Marlo