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I Don't Know What Else To Do Or Where Else To Turn...

Started by Tristyn, January 27, 2016, 05:38:43 PM

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autumn08

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 07:44:44 PM
These are awesome things for me to seriously sit down and consider, Autumn.

While I really do appreciate the time you took out of your schedule and type this all out on my behalf, I don't even care to think about these things anymore. I just don't even see the point in existing any longer. I never really seen the point to begin with. I mean, in the greater scheme of all things, who gives a coconut about whether or not I am on T and have facial hair or not? And yet, I guess if I really did feel this way, then I should be able not to care whether or not people "ma'am" and "miss" me to death until I explode with burning rage. But I do care for some reason. I hate that people can tell me who and what I am, but I have no say in the matter....

Why should we bother to live?

All of our valuations of the world are selfish, meaningless, and relative, but we can not escape from making them; therefore, everyone has threshold which if crossed they will experience more pleasure than pain, and a preference for life over death.

My prior post's suggestions are burdensome, but they are worthy exercises to perform, because they will help you navigate during the dark the moments. Unfortunately, we will always experience dark moments, because feeling content with absolute constancy is impossible, but fortunately the relative nature of our actions causes us to set limitations. Therefore, it is possible to feel content in a greater number of situations.

You are very important to us, so please don't give up! Please tell us more about your situation, so we can try to help you.
  •  

Tristyn

To Tamika:

Thank you so much! You're words really moved me. I thought about what you, Stephanie, Autumn, Elis and Sue all said.

I feel like your words really speak to me. And to answer your question, yes, I play videogames and listen to some music too. I don't just listen to music, I also write song lyrics and poetry to help me through hard times.

I don't really mean the things I say when I fall into darkness. You are absolutely right about how we get a warped sense of self, others and the world when trapped in the jaws of depression. But with time, I honestly will feel better and have to come out of it because I am still here and to remain in this apathetic mode too long will only bring me more trouble to my current living situation than previously. Yes. As long as I am still here I must press forward, preserve and survive until my end, but not because I gave up but because I survived. I might as well go forward and live because I am already existing.

If things really have no point, then I should not care whether or not someone is staring at me or ma'aming me nonstop. Because in the greater scheme of all things, none of that crap even matters. This cosmic time you speak of is so far above us beyond our reach that it is laughable of me to make this much of a fuss over being seen as female, something that has been happening since birth and has suddenly distorted its image in my mind as an inescapable death. Ha! That's absolute rubbish! :D Why? Because even though it definitely hurts (emotionally), the words themselves will never end my life. I must press forward, too, because I won't know what I can achieve if I give up. Yes. There are videogames I haven't played that I would love to play and defeat. New technology I would love to experience. See history be made. I don't know what else the future could hold for me. Maybe I'll find my true soul mate and best friend 40 years from now. I don't know. But one thing is for certain; I won't know if I am dead, will I? So, because I am alive, I choose to keep it that way! :) That isn't to say I won't have more dark moments like this again. But the key in making it through it is time and hope. At least for me, that is how I made it through and will have to time and time again.

To Stephanie:

Again, I am really sorry I offended you. I know we all cannot get along and see eye to eye because we are all different personalities. But your faith is so touching. Your faith is what keeps you here and believe it or not, I do admire and respect that, very dearly. Also, believe it or not, while I am not religious, I do like many of the scriptures and I do believe that Jesus Christ could have possibly existed even under a different name. I don't know with certainty. What I do know is that he exists for you and for you, that is all that really matters and I realize now that is acceptance from your truth. And that is all you need to survive. So yes, I greatly admire you for your undying faith. Keep it up, Stephanie! :D

To Autumn:

Hello friend and thank you, always for your generous words and lending a hand.

You want to know more about my situation? Nothing much more could be said other than I am unemployed and am almost 100% dependent on a person who really does not care about my gender dysphoria and keeps referring to me incorrectly. This person would be my dad, obviously. I have no friends, personally, or any family I know of who could take me in temporarily away from my dad until I can get myself together and live on my own. I fill out at least one job application online for part-time work every day, and have been doing so for at least a year now with a couple of months of inactive search. I was going to volunteer at a hospital to make my resume look better but screwed that up over the holidays from being admitted into the hospital for suicide attempt and ideations. Yesterday, all I could remember are the conversations I had where I was "ma'amed" like its my name and that I ended up not going to a doctor's appointment I had got up early and ready for simply because he moved his office without ever telling me prior to the appointment via phone call. So I was internally at my boiling point by this point. Then I returned home to make some adjustments to my event calendar only to recall that wednesday is trash day and my dad did not leave it out like he usually does because he was on vacation with his wife for her birthday. So what happened next? The trash man never came back to get the trash and now we are stuck with this old trash until next wednesday and its no one's fault but mine....according to my dad, who will constantly remind me and belittle me with this fact alone and go backwards into pointless past matters until the trash is picked up next week and hopefully it will be. So I am outraged when dad returned and already started to complain as soon as he enters the house without so much as a "hello." I just turned my back, walked briskly into my room and quietly closed my door and locked it. I went into my closet, but unlike all the other times, I couldn't sob and cry. Like I had no motivation for it after years of doing so previously once I reach my boiling point.

Eventually I had enough and looked into hospice once again, like I do when things get ugly. But that ain't seemed to be workin' out, so I just laid down and went to sleep until I couldn't sleep no more and got up to play some Monster Hunter on my PSP. And it wasn't until I started playing that, that I began to feel better again. Not only did it get my mind off of more pressing matters that I have no control over, but it made me re-evaluate my situation alot more clearly than before. So now here I am......So now you know a little bit more about my situation like you asked, Autumn.

But I really need to go now, everyone, and prepare for dialysis. I sure hope my transportation will still get me and that my social worker did not actually call this off! ;D

Take care...
  •  

Qrachel

Dear King:

I just wanted to let you know I still read and follow you - not that it's a big deal that I do so.  I get your rhythms and situation to extent that is possible for me to do.

You've had some great support here and you've needed it.  I'm not sure what I can add to the dialog here, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or care.  I do.

Keep on keeping on, as I'm sure you are making a huge difference for many here that look to you and see your courage and depth of humanness.   

Take care,

Rachel
Rachel

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."
  •  

Rp1713

All the love and support in this thread is so amazing to see. Yes Phoenix the times get tough but we have to remember in these moments that if you're at your darkest it can only get brighter.

I absolutely HATE being sirred or called things like "my man" just man or dude are fine because I myself call everyone that regardless of gender but sir in particular drives me nuts. My uncle (who I came out to recently) called me sir the other day and it took every fiber of my being not to shout at the top of my lungs and tell him off. I realized he's still there for me, that I could let it slide this time and the confrontation wasn't worth it at that time.

At this time I prefer to just internalize it and let it pass. I have no desire to do hormones or surgery or anything and fall on the non-binary spectrum so I have come to the realization I will never "pass" and that's not important to me, just to feel like I am living my own truth. Due to this, I know that I will be misgendered for the rest of my life, but you know what? Screw it! Call me he, call me she, call me they, call me a damn unicorn for all I care. I guess I'm all of the above [emoji13] my point is as long as you see yourself how you want to and live for yourself that's all that matters at the end of the day. Those that truly care about you will be there for you and eventually get the pronouns and such right ( I hope), and if not you are still HE or whatever you want to be! Stay strong and reach out here when you need it! A whole lot of love floating around this place! Here's so inspiration for you Angel Haze is sick. They identify as agender and go by they/ them pronouns. None of the lyrics directly relate to being transgender but they are super inspirational to me for people in our shoes, or anyone at all really struggling with depression and so on. Let's hear your battle cry!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  •  

Tech_Nymph

Here's something I truly believe and live by. I hope it helps you.

When you break down a human being.
What makes them tick? What makes them be?
Are we really any different?
Take a look at all the people you see and study them.
What do you see?
The answer is simple.
When you break down society's silly etiquettes, shear away the lies of ignorance and politics.
What we're left with is a common goal.

Like the animals of this world we merely strive to survive.
But unlike regular animals we have the ability to think and reason.

When survival became simple we lost our touch with other animals and nature.
We learned surviving was easy if we stole the fruits of another, we became lazy.
So we made rules that became law.
Yet the laws were biased in the favor of those making them.
We made politicians to help us make the rules fair, and for a short time it worked.
But as before they too became corrupt in their greed and starting taking from the labor of those that support them.

The politicians and those under them needed balance.
Society promised to answer this by handling the needs of the majority.
The majority was able to live with these new pressures because it was all from their making.

Then there was the minority. The outcast from the majority.
Society exhausted it's energy beating the minority to conform like the rest.
Politicians ignore their cries and anguish, since they are fueled by the majority.
Some minorities that can bend try to, and some succeed, or they try to hide being different.
Those that cannot bend continue to take the wrath of everyone. They have no protection.

You see, the majority wants happiness, just as much as the minority.
However in that quest it tramples the happiness of the rest. Since the forces opposing the minority are large. Life is a challenge.

However,
Along the way everybody forgot what it meant to live.
Society said it was for a great purpose. That everything had meaning.
Politicians absorbed with power, didn't care one way or another.
The majority wasn't effected because all of these forces revolve around them anyway.
But those left out were left to a life of loneliness, sadness, hate, and discrimination.

The purpose of life is to live it. It is to survive all odds even if nothing more then to spite the world when the world is turned against you.

I do not need society to comfort me at night.
I will stand either alone or united against the onslaught of politicians who evade my conviction.
I accept myself, even if society can't.
I will live this life given to me.

By living without regard to society, without regard to the majority of people that surround me, without the politicians laws to protect me...
I will be an individual.

I will find my happiness without the crutches that the majority rely on and laugh at their ignorance.
I will thrive on what I've accomplished without the help of a narrow minded society.

So long as the world bears down on me, I will be me.
For no laws, no thought, no person..
Could ever make me change.


The world will never keep me down,
Nymph  :icon_chick:
  •  

FTMax

I'm glad your last update was much more positive :) I saw your thread and wanted to chime in with my thoughts.

If you've totally detached from your family emotionally and are finding no need to remain attached to them, why stay where you are? If death is preferable to staying, than surely leaving and moving away is an option at this point. There are treatments available to prolong and improve your life elsewhere in the US. You would be able to access HRT elsewhere in the US. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

I'd have a conversation with your therapist and let them know that you're feeling this way. At the very least, they could help you come up with a plan to get out of this situation and the rut that you are in. It sounds like your environment has gotten the best of you, but it is not like that everywhere. There are good places with good people. The world is changing, and you should be here to see it.

Stephanie and I are fairly in line religiously. Beyond anything else that they do, I believe that pain and struggle reveal purpose. I don't think God made a mistake in making me transgender. My journey has made me better able to relate to, encourage, and support other trans people who are in need of those things in their life. It has made me able to speak outside of our community to address our treatment and place in the world. None of this would have been possible if I hadn't been made this way.

I spent a very long time cynical. It got me nowhere but angry. I pray that you find clarity, the answers to your questions, and the means to move forward my friend.
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
  •  

Mariah

I know it can be frustrating and that their misgendering you at the clinic really hurts. I get that. We all do. In early 2015 i went in for a kidney stone removal procedure. I had to remove my wig and all the short comings of my hair situation were on full display. The breast pads had to go since the bra did too. Leaving me much closer to flat chested, and of course without makeup what facial hair I had left could still be seen. I was on full display inside the area where I was being prepped for the procedure. The anesthesiologist messed up on my gender and frankly didn't show any sign that he cared that he did. I corrected him, but that didn't change anything. It ticked me off royally at the time. It's unfortunate but people tend to judge things based on what they see and when we are not allowed or have to remove certain things for treatments it makes things more difficult because makes those things we are having issues with even more out there and it results in us getting misgendered as a result. Before throwing in the town on everything, I would talk to your nephrologist and the the place in charge of your dialysis  and the them how you feel. In need be, I would bring someone with you that can advocate for you to explain why it is so important for your own health that they gender and treat you properly. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs
Mariah
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
[email]mariahsusans.orgstaff@yahoo.com[/email]
I am also spouse of a transgender person.
Retired News Administrator
Retired (S) Global Moderator
  •  

autumn08

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 28, 2016, 06:31:58 AM
To Autumn:

Hello friend and thank you, always for your generous words and lending a hand.

You want to know more about my situation? Nothing much more could be said other than I am unemployed and am almost 100% dependent on a person who really does not care about my gender dysphoria and keeps referring to me incorrectly. This person would be my dad, obviously. I have no friends, personally, or any family I know of who could take me in temporarily away from my dad until I can get myself together and live on my own. I fill out at least one job application online for part-time work every day, and have been doing so for at least a year now with a couple of months of inactive search. I was going to volunteer at a hospital to make my resume look better but screwed that up over the holidays from being admitted into the hospital for suicide attempt and ideations. Yesterday, all I could remember are the conversations I had where I was "ma'amed" like its my name and that I ended up not going to a doctor's appointment I had got up early and ready for simply because he moved his office without ever telling me prior to the appointment via phone call. So I was internally at my boiling point by this point. Then I returned home to make some adjustments to my event calendar only to recall that wednesday is trash day and my dad did not leave it out like he usually does because he was on vacation with his wife for her birthday. So what happened next? The trash man never came back to get the trash and now we are stuck with this old trash until next wednesday and its no one's fault but mine....according to my dad, who will constantly remind me and belittle me with this fact alone and go backwards into pointless past matters until the trash is picked up next week and hopefully it will be. So I am outraged when dad returned and already started to complain as soon as he enters the house without so much as a "hello." I just turned my back, walked briskly into my room and quietly closed my door and locked it. I went into my closet, but unlike all the other times, I couldn't sob and cry. Like I had no motivation for it after years of doing so previously once I reach my boiling point.

Eventually I had enough and looked into hospice once again, like I do when things get ugly. But that ain't seemed to be workin' out, so I just laid down and went to sleep until I couldn't sleep no more and got up to play some Monster Hunter on my PSP. And it wasn't until I started playing that, that I began to feel better again. Not only did it get my mind off of more pressing matters that I have no control over, but it made me re-evaluate my situation alot more clearly than before. So now here I am......So now you know a little bit more about my situation like you asked, Autumn.

But I really need to go now, everyone, and prepare for dialysis. I sure hope my transportation will still get me and that my social worker did not actually call this off! ;D

Take care...

I'm very happy to know you are feeling better, Phoenix, and I hope you were able to receive dialysis.

Thank you for sharing for more information about yourself, and if you are willing to, I would love to continue this conversation.

Could you answer the following question;

1) Where did you apply for work?

2) What is your work experience?

3) What is your education level?

4) What is your ideal career?

5) Other than HRT and surgery, what else would bring you happiness?

6) Other than your father and being misgendered, what else regularly upsets you?

Of course, you do not need to answer every question, or even any of my questions, but regardless, I hope we will hear from you soon, friend.  :)
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stephaniec

I'm glad you feel better , that darkness can get bad.
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