Thanks, Dena! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. The last few weeks have been a roller-coaster of mostly positive emotions and changes. My wife has been experiencing some completely natural feelings of loss and sadness, but she's also completely committed to our marriage and our family, and we love each other as much as we ever. We don't know exactly what the Lord has in store for us as we move forward with all of this, but we're excited to find out.
The original conversation was almost comically easy. The background was that I'd been really depressed for the last few days about a) keeping this huge secret from my wife when our whole relationship has been based on openness, and b) the possibility that it could affect or even end our marriage. She already knew I was talking to my therapist about something that she didn't know about, and that it was weighing on my mind. She encouraged me, over and over again, to tell her.
"You're my best friend," she told me. "I accept all of you."
So I told her.
"Okay," she said, and I could see the love and concern in her eyes. "It's okay. It doesn't matter. I love you." And she hugged me.
We both cried a bit, and we talked about some of the things we'd been putting off because of her health -- a real wedding, a honeymoon, etc. -- and what this would mean for all of that. She kept the conversation mostly about me -- what did I want to be called, how did I want to look, did I want to be referred to as her wife instead of her husband, etc. -- and it was such a relief to be able to finally talk about all of it with the one person I love most in the world. Talking about it with her made it all real, somehow, in a way that even talking to my therapist hadn't.
Later that week we went to see my therapist together, and my wife talked about how it had been to find out. "All I could think about was this poor woman, trapped in the wrong body for so long, and how sad it was that she'd had to struggle with that." I already knew what an amazing woman my wife is, but I've been even more in awe of her through this entire process. I can't imagine that all spouses would respond so selflessly and compassionately to a bombshell like this. I feel very, very lucky to have her.
She's gone through some hard times herself since finding out, and I've done my best to be there for her and to comfort her. She's talking about it with her own therapist, and I've encouraged her to reach out to her friends and to get as much support and outside input as she can. The deeper into it we get, the more comfortable she feels with the transition, which is wonderful. But she still struggles with feeling like she's losing her husband, with feeling like the dreams she had for her life can never come to pass now. That part is very sad, and I hate to have made her feel like that, even for awhile, but she assures me it will pass.
She's been researching trans issues with single-minded dedication ever since I told her, and looking for anything and everything that will inform her about being trans and how it affects marriages and families. Our therapists are coordinating our care and talking to each other about the issues we're each facing. I'm talking to my own therapist about starting hormone treatment shortly after the new year. We're moving forward.
The most important thing, for both of us, is to keep the Lord involved in every decision we make about the transition and to do what's right for our family and our faith. My wife is very enthusiastic about using this opportunity to open up a dialogue between our church and the transgender community. For the most part, faith-based support for transgender Christians is just not there. We want to change that.
So all in all, a mind-blowing month that's been by turns thrilling, melancholy, and affirming. We still struggle sometimes with our thoughts and feelings about what it all means, but we know that we'll always be there for each other and that whatever comes of this experience, it will bring us closer together and make us stronger. I'm very happy.
~Liz
