Need help finding roommates.. fast. Any advice?

[puddingbend]

Hey everyone.

I'm sorry to say that my first post on this site will be a negative one, but I'm in urgent need of some help. I'll start off with a short introduction. My preferred name is Chris and I'm a 21 yr old trans guy from southern CA.

My gf (18 yr old mtf) and I are struggling to find a good temporary place to stay until the both of us can make it out on our own. Both of us need to move out of our abusive and transphobic households as soon as we can, before things keep getting worse than what they already are. I have been out to my parents for about 2 years and they've sabotaged my efforts to get transgender health care multiple times. They have snatched my t and drained it down the sink. They've been acting like I am their abuser and made me doubt my own sanity. In the beginning, I thought things would get better; but despite my efforts, things just keep getting worse. My gf isn't out to her parents yet because she knows that things will be even rougher for her if she does come out. I don't think we can take this anymore.

For two months I have been posting ads multiple times on a lot of different places, such as the Transgender Housing Network on tumblr, craigslist, backpage, spareroommates, and prideroommates. Unfortunately, besides two people responding to me (and then not responding after I reply to them), I haven't been able to find anything. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that both my gf and I aren't doing very well off financially and that I'll barely be able to contribute anything to the rent each month. Until we can both find and keep jobs, I can only pay $100/month for rent. Once I at least get a job, I'll be able to contribute 200-300 per month. Of course, I am expecting to share a room/apartment with at least 1-2 other people, because there's obviously no way you can get a room to yourself for $100.

I've been wondering what else I can do to find a place to stay at? If this continues, I might have no chance but to run away to a homeless shelter but I'm too afraid. It's getting me really anxious because I don't want either of us to end up on the streets...

Any feedback would be appreciated. If anything I say sounds confusing, please ask and I will clarify it. Thank you and stay lovely, you folks.

[FTMax]

Trans Housing Network is usually what I recommend. Aside from posting your own ad, have you contacted anyone in your area? Even if their post is old, it may not hurt to reach out. Especially other people in your area looking for housing. They may still be looking, their circumstances may have changed, or they may be able to advise you on good local options.

I'd also consider what you're posting in the ads when you post them. On places that aren't geared specifically towards LGBTQ+ folks, I wouldn't mention that you're trans. I think you will get more replies that way, which will give you more options to consider. Roommates generally aren't playing a part in your transition, so they really don't need to know too much about it. Diabetics don't mention that they are diabetic in their Craigslist posts. I don't mean that you should hide who you are, but I think it's best brought up at a later point after you've established that someone is a good option.

As someone who previously rented out a room to folks from Craigslist, I will say it is super unappealing to rent to someone who doesn't have stable income. That is almost assuredly why you aren't having any luck there. Instead of finding housing, what you need to focus on is finding a job. Most people, even if they are only renting a room to you, will want some kind of deposit in addition to rent. Most property management companies will want proof of income as well. That is the road block you're going to encounter most frequently, so that is what I would focus on handling.

[Tristyn]

Trans Housing Network is usually what I recommend.

Hey Max.

Question for ya. How long or what is the range of time it usually takes to garner a response from someone on there? I think someone responded to my ad to my email. Unfortunately, it went to my junk folder and I didn't know that until like almost a whole month after this person's reply was originally sent to my email. So I apologized and sent a response back to them right away and they never returned it since.

I haven't gotten another offer whatsoever and this ad was originally posted back in October or November of last year. Maybe the ad was poorly constructed or maybe I didn't explain my situation well enough. Also, just how trustworthy is this website, The Trans Housing Network? What if the person you crash with, like, steals your stuff, man?

Sorry for sounding very discouraging, but I like to see reality for what is actually is...or at least try to. But, nah man, you always offer us great advice here at Susan's. If you need help figurin' out stuff, Max is your man!^^

[FTMax]

Hey Phoenix,

I am fairly sure that they screen their submissions, so I think it takes a few days to get your post up. The issue doing it this way (as someone who runs a submission-based Tumblr) is that they often post a whole batch at a time instead of just one or two. So if you were the first person to submit in today's batch, your post is going to get buried fairly quickly which will limit your viewer traffic.

I'd say submit once, wait for your post to fall off the first page, and then submit again. Since it is Tumblr based, you can also make a blog and repost your ad on your page with extra tags as often as you want to get it out there more.

The website makes no promises about the kinds of people who will reply. It's totally up to you to vet them and make sure they're a good fit and that you feel safe with them. If you were to have issues after moving in with someone, I'd definitely send THN a message and let them know about it. They can choose to post a warning to other folks in your area. Pretty much all roommate sites are like that - they have no responsibility for screening folks, they just provide the medium for you to connect.

I've personally had the most luck on Craigslist, but I think your best bet is to post a very generic ad looking for a roommate that explains your income situation while at the same time pursuing government housing assistance.

And also, don't be afraid to move. If you're trying to get away from your family, why stay in the same town? Look for ads online in other places and try to connect with folks you feel would be a good fit. I'd go through the most recent pages on THN and see if anything gives off a good vibe and then figure out if you could see yourself living there. If all that adds up, get in touch and see if you can work something out. The price of a bus ticket to a new place where you'll crash on someone's couch is probably way less than coming up with a deposit on an apartment where you are.

[Tristyn]

I wasn't sure when or if it was even ok to ever post again. I will definitely give it another shot. When I checked THN last, my ad was already off from the first page some months ago. So, I will definitely re-post another ad again, ASAP.

Also, I'm sorry if I ever ask too many questions, Max, but is it advisable at all to reuse the same ad? I think I saved it to my laptop as a back up. Not sure if this is a wise thing to do or not.

Ah, I see what you are saying. THN is not responsible for what happens in the living situation I get into through their services. That makes sense. Since they do not do background checks. I guess I need to be very careful. Honestly, I am running out of options though, fast. Even my psyche nurse tells me all the time that I need to get up out of my dad's house as quickly as I can!

I think maybe I should have put a contact number in my ad. I only put my email and warned people not to ask for my phone number or social security number, or else their reply would get ignored. I can see the social, but maybe I should have at least put my cell number in there. I dunno. What do you think? What's the best way to have people contact you for this purpose, in your opinion?

I would love to move out of town altogether. But dialysis kinda has a hold on me where I am at. I am sure I can have it arranged else where. But it would be a challenging process and timing is key. I don't want to move and not have a dialysis center to go to yet where ever I moved to. It needs to be set up in advance. Then I would need to find new doctors to manage all the health conditions I currently possess. Yeah, it'll be a pain but it can be done.

[Laura_7]

OP you could :
- have a look at this resource and maybe show parts of it to parents, maybe they come around :
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

Its from a cis persons perpective, and many restraints cis people and parents might have are included, like :
did their upbringing cause this ? (no) ... etc

-you might look for housing where a job is included.
Examples are taking care of elderly people, or some kind of housekeeper . For example you might ask at unis, and look up adverts.

-you might contact lgbt places . Its possible there are housing projects, maybe even with some kind of job.


hugs

[Tristyn]

Do you guys think this ad I just posted early this morning, was well-constructed enough to garner a reply at all?:

"
Hi.

My name is Phoenix.

I am a 27 year old transman currently living in a town near Jacksonville in the state of Florida. I currently stay with my dad. Its a tough living situation for many reasons. My dad does not support me being transgender and pretends nothing is wrong. I would like to move out before his wife returns here to live. She at least seems like she tries to be supportive but cannot exactly wrap her head around the concept of me being this way.

Unfortunately, I have never worked. But I am trying to volunteer to make my resume look more professional. Currently my main source of income is from monthly disability checks that only my father has access to at this point. However, this will change once I move out of his house. I would have to report this to the Social Security Administration, ASAP.

I do have some health conditions in need of serious management. I require dialysis at least three days a week for three and a half hours on each of those days. I require to take medicine for some of these illnesses I have. I won't get too personal with my medical history on here, but I think its fair to mention that I suffer from some mental disorders also. The main ones being bipolar-depression, social anxiety and paranoia. However, regardless of these flaws, I am more than willing to help around the housing I reside in. I can clean and cook for myself. So I am a pretty independent person. But I do need access to public transportation and a way to get to and from my medical appointments, including dialysis and trips to the pharmacy to pick up medications. And I need a way to get around for errands also, like the grocery store.

I also ask that you please provide me with a living space that is a smoking/drug-free zone (I do not mind occasional drinking but I would prefer you to be sober), relatively clean, peaceful, not noisy, respectful and supportive of my gender identity and background. I also would better prefer an environment without the presence of minors(children/teenagers) or exotic animals such as snakes or spiders. I don't mind cats and/or dogs at all, as long as they are friendly to the occupants of your housing, including me.

Another thing I ask, is to live in housing that is within the current area I am residing in so that I am close to all of my doctors and the dialysis center I go to.

I am looking for a temporary living situation whose occupants are understanding and accepting of my transman identity and background and willing to allow me vacancy for as long as I need it until I gain employment and garner enough finances to move out on my own.

And lastly, I prefer to stay with some one who is either a transman themselves or a cis woman. I am very uncomfortable around cis men and really dislike the idea of moving in with a stranger that is a cis man.


So I ask that you really take these things into consideration before offering a response to my ad.



Also, I must warn you that if you are only on here to sexually exploit transsexual people like me, then you are at the wrong place to do so.

I would like to report a pansexual man named Michael, age 22, located in the state of Virginia, under this tumblr : http://dominantlvst69.tumblr.com/
Because the material he posts on his tumblr page is very sexually inappropriate in nature, this greatly suggests that his motive, like most cis men, is to sexually exploit trans people such as myself. So everyone, please be very careful here....

The only way I wish to be contacted is through my email: super4eternity@hotmail.com.



Do not ask me for very personal information such as my social security number, current home address, where I get dialysis, where I get my medications, phone number, insurance policies, e.t.c.

If you ever ask me any one of these things, your reply will be ignored and subsequently deleted.

I would like to only communicate with you by email with minimal detail about myself until we get to know each other better as time passes. I would like to eventually meet you in person at a public location such as a restaurant, so we can sit down and really discuss our terms together, in person. This will also give us both an opportunity to screen eachother and see if we are really a good fit for one another.

Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule to read my ad and I hope to hear from you soon.



Phoenix"





I hope it gets approval soon. How long does it normally take? I haven't checked it in a few hours. Do you guys think I said too much or too little? Any suggestions?




Phoenix

[FTMax]

I'm happy to take a look and edit your post if you would like before you resubmit. I would say to keep it as short as possible to keep people from scrolling past it. For THN, I would just write something that includes the following:

- your name
- how you identify
- what you are looking for
- your reason for looking/situation
- income/income potential if unemployed
- other important information that a roommate needs to know
- how to contact you

I'd post something like:
"My name is Max. I'm a 26 year old FTM. My lease is up soon, so I am looking for trans-friendly roommates in the greater Washington DC area. I work from home, and I can contribute up to $1000 per month towards rent and utilities, but would prefer to spend no more than $500. I have a dog, so the space/roommates need to be dog friendly. I also own a gun, so I can't live with anyone on probation/parole. I would prefer to live in a drug and alcohol free environment. You can contact me here at (Tumblr URL) or email me at (email address)."

My version for other housing sites would be a little different, and I'm happy to write something up for you to look at if you'd like a starting point.

[FTMax]

I think it's way too long. I know you have a lot to say, but most people aren't going to read that much. I would leave it at this:

"My name is Phoenix. I am a 27 year old transman currently living near Jacksonville, FL. My dad does not support me being transgender and I would like to move out to continue my transition.

Currently my main source of income is from monthly disability checks from Social Security. I require dialysis at least three days a week for three and a half hours on each of those days, and take medication for the conditions I have. I am more than willing to help around the housing I reside in. I need access to public transportation and would be appreciative if my roommate(s) were able to provide some transportation for errands during the week.

I would prefer a smoke/drug-free living space that is clean and peaceful. I do not mind friendly cats and dogs. I am uncomfortable with the idea of living with cisgender men. I am ideally looking for something near where I am currently, so that I will not have to look for new doctors. I expect this will be a temporary situation while I save enough money to get my own place.

Please contacted me through my email: super4eternity@hotmail.com."

I would leave out everything else. I know you've had some questionable experiences with folks, but the rest really isn't necessary for what you're looking for.

Of course, use your gut when you get responses. If it seems off, it probably is. Don't waste your time and energy replying to folks who are trying to scam you or put you in a vulnerable position.

[Tristyn]

Hi Max.

Thank you so much for replying! I would have sooner, but I get so tied up in life that I have to stay off of Susan's for a while.

Thanks for your analysis of my ad. And thank you for revising it. Is it alright if I copy and save it to my Wordpad? I do intend to use it when I resubmit.

Also, how do I report people? I know I probably did it wrong, but I swear I couldn't find the link to do that. I just don't want any of my trans buddies getting hurt out there like I did.

Again, thank you for all your help, always!

[FTMax]

Yep! Go for it.

As far as reporting someone, I would just message the admin of the page and let them know your experience. If the person has an ad posted, they can remove it. Here is the link to their ask box:

http://www.transhousingnetwork.com/ask

[Tristyn]

Thanks for the link, Max. If I still see that man's ad I will report him correctly next time. It wasn't the ad itself that was disrespectful and vulgar. It was his Tumblr.

I'm not sure though if this will or can work for me right now though. In my situation, I would never be able to help pay rent like everyone else could. My dad's name is over my ssi and that will go away if I move. No one wants to help me prove to the courts that I can manage my own money. I mean, I will probably go into a nursing home for the rest of my life and die in this woman's body after my dad bites the dust cause I won't have a soul to look after me any more.

Sorry. I don't like, wanna ruin the continuity of this thread with my mopey talk.