When I first started posting here, I was skeptical about fully transitioning. Or maybe I wasn't so much skeptical as I was trying to rationalize my fear. Let's face it, being transgender isn't something anyone wants to be, and going through a transition isn't something anyone want to have to do. But one of my biggest concerns, was that maybe when everything was said and done it wouldn't be worth it. Maybe I would have gone through a process and done irreversible things to myself only to end up feeling even more miserable and depressed than when I started.
And lately, I was starting to think, that being a girl is starting to feel kind of normal. The thrill of starting hormones buying new clothes, putting on makeup the first time, all that stuff was old news. I was out to everyone, I was through with my legal name change, and the only things left were surgeries I couldn't afford. I was thinking about this a lot, but yet somehow it just didn't seem to bother me as much as I had feared. I was just living my life, the way I was before, but with one important difference. I felt normal.
Normal is not a word that is typically associated with being transgender, but that's the way I've started to feel. I am just going out in the world, doing my own thing, and being myself. I'm not constantly second guessing myself anymore, or feeling self-conscious for no apparent reason. Well, I am still self-conscious about being transgender, but I think I'm starting to get over it, and I'm starting to think I really could one day reach the point where even that is not something I have to think about very much. I never seriously expected this to happen. I never seriously thought there would be a point after transition where I could ever feel normal again. But what I'm realizing is that the way I feel now is just the proof that I never knew what normal felt like in the first place. I've started to think maybe now I finally understand why it's so hard for cisgendered people to empathize with us. I mean, change my gender to male? That sounds completely nuts, why on earth would anyone ever want to do that?
So to anyone reading this who might be doubting themselves, questioning if transition is worth it, or if it will do more harm then good, I have just one thing to say. Feeling normal is awesome! Life is just so much better when you are not drowning in a sea of anxiety and self-loathing. Maybe you can't ever completely get over being transgender, but not dealing with it is infinitely worse than at least doing something. Forget about passing, forget about being attractive, forget about trying to impress other people. In the end, none of those things are what it's really about. What it's about, is being true to yourself, and finding happiness wherever and with whomever you can find it. If you can do that, nothing else matters.
