Self-esteem worse after starting HRT?

[lionheart]

When I first started T, every little change was super exciting. But around the year mark, I stopped feeling so great about everything. Now that pretty much all the changes that come from T have happened, I've become increasingly conscious of the things I can't change.

I feel like since living full-time as a male and being stealth, my self-esteem has seriously declined. Everything about me when I presented as female was pretty much normal, but now I'm a guy with thin eyebrows and small hands and wide hips. Even things that aren't necessarily gendered (like my big forehead, just to name one) I find myself hating more.

I often find myself struggling to even be around other guys because all I can think about is how jealous I am of their masculinity. I understand that plenty of cis guys have naturally effeminate appearances, but sometimes I honestly feel like I just look like a hairy girl. Not to mention the fact that I know I'm transgender constantly haunts me. I think the fact that I'm always aware of it makes me feel like other people know, or at least suspect it.

I don't know if this is a cry for help or just a rant, but I felt the need to share.

[Futurist]

When I first started T, every little change was super exciting. But around the year mark, I stopped feeling so great about everything. Now that pretty much all the changes that come from T have happened, I've become increasingly conscious of the things I can't change.

I feel like since living full-time as a male and being stealth, my self-esteem has seriously declined. Everything about me when I presented as female was pretty much normal, but now I'm a guy with thin eyebrows and small hands and wide hips. Even things that aren't necessarily gendered (like my big forehead, just to name one) I find myself hating more.

I often find myself struggling to even be around other guys because all I can think about is how jealous I am of their masculinity. I understand that plenty of cis guys have naturally effeminate appearances, but sometimes I honestly feel like I just look like a hairy girl. Not to mention the fact that I know I'm transgender constantly haunts me. I think the fact that I'm always aware of it makes me feel like other people know, or at least suspect it.

I don't know if this is a cry for help or just a rant, but I felt the need to share.

I don't know if you can afford this or if this is a viable option for you, but have you considered having surgery in order to make your appearance more masculine?

Also, if this makes you feel better, I wish that I could give you my own testicles. Seriously--after all, I myself certainly don't want them!

[Qrachel]

Dear    Lionheart:

One of my muses who guided me so well for a long time really got to see this for myself as a byproduct of society's stereotypical frames for the desirable man and woman - bs!.  Why? Because it has a huge basis in the deluge of advertising (in all forms) that inundates us to the point that we accept it subliminally as being so.

You will be a fine person in your chosen identity and unique too, as we all are.  I'm 6'2," was star football player and nationally recognized athlete now living successfully as a woman and that's that.  You'd like to be able to pick your size, shape, style, manner, etc. . . . me too but that's natures role and ours is take what we have and live full out.

Take care and stay in touch,

Rachel

[lionheart]

I don't know if you can afford this or if this is a viable option for you, but have you considered having surgery in order to make your appearance more masculine?

Also, if this makes you feel better, I wish that I could give you my own testicles. Seriously--after all, I myself certainly don't want them!

I haven't thought about it extensively, but I always thought having any kind of facial plastic surgery would just make me have an existential crisis. Not to mention the stigma surrounding it, and the fact that I'd have to explain why I look different to everybody I know.

Lol, I appreciate the offer. I only wish it was that easy.

[Elis]

Hi,

I'm having the same kind of difficulties, even though I'm only coming up to 3 months on T. I hate that I'll always be stared at because I don't look like cis men; due to me being short and naturally chubby. Even if I was a few years on T my hips will most likely still be noticeable. If I was just 2 inches taller I'd be very happy. But I have to accept this is just how I am and it's not my fault. At least my body has a few masculine traits, which I'm thankful for. I could look a lot worse/feminine. And surely being on T is better than not and living a fake life as a women. I'm positive you look a lot more handsome and manly than you think. We're a lot harder on ourselves than others.

[Qrachel]

Dear LH:

Just a quick follow-up: I have an associate/friend who is an FTM.  He's one of the nation's most widely recognized youth, LGBTQ, juvenile justice lawyers in the country.  He's about five footish, fine features and softish skin.  He is also a wonderful man, has a terrific wife, a beautiful daughter, and is a lion of a professional, etc., etc. 

Is he a stereotypical guy, no in so many ways.  Is he a successful and highly respected man in life, you bet!  I have several friends and associates that are cis and trans that in every way their gender and their lives are not stereotypical.  But they have great lives and no one questions their gender.  I find them immensely attractive as human beings as do so many others.

Just a thought . . . have a beautiful day!!!

Rachel

[DarkWolf_7]

Maybe I am confusing you with someone else but I thought you made some post indicating you were still under 18. Taking that in account your face is still changing and it will for a good while after. I'm twenty now and I know I'm still a while away from my face fully maturing.

Sometimes we have to remember that a lot of small things that bother us and think everyone is paying so much attention to actually isn't something they notice at all. They aren't constantly staring and studying every part of you like you are every day.