I am suicidal really really bad place

[Amoré]

Well last night I had a dream about her I was holding her in my arms and she was there I can feel her touch on my body and I long for that again. I can't imagine that this is better than losing someone to death this is not in any way better because if someone is dead you can make peace that they are gone. With divorce while you still love someone so much that you cannot imagine a life without them is the worst thing that God can bring over a persons path I cannot in my life explain the hurt I carry in me a torn soul.

While I think I am making progress and while I think I want to transition I wake up like today and I cried about her after the dream. I was crying for her touch and all. I looked into her eyes for ten years while she told me she loved me. I looked in those eyes while we got married. I looked into that eyes the day my child was born and then I looked in those eyes when she told me she doesn't love me anymore and her life would be better without me.

She says she is happy without me. Well then I am sort of glad she found her happiness but really it hurts like hell if someone tells you that they are happier without you. I am not happier without her I hate myself each day for all that I have done even mumbling the words I am trans is killing me slowly. I have a pain and hurt that I can't explain and it is really eating at me badly it is eating at my soul. Every day I think to myself would I not be better of dead and I am becoming more suicidal each day. I don't know if I will snap and do it one day but at this stage I am struggling to get by to get by without my wife and daughter it feels if they are dead.

The thing is like this morning I eventually dragged myself out of bed and started cleaning my room but still the guilt that I am carrying is becoming unbearable at times. Then I am living with my mother that is not one of the most stable environments so if I survive I must get work to get out of here as soon as possible. I eventually conjured up the courage to dress up as female and the guilt and internal transfobia floored me and I sobbed about what I am becoming and if this is right I started to have regrets I started to feel stupid. I know the dysphoria feelings is real but I don't want them it makes my life so complicated and it is unnecessary.

I know suicide is not the answer but it surely looks like an option sometimes to end the pain. Then living with my mother does not work she has got her own issues and is dumping it all on me each day. She is one of those persons that jumps on her horse very quickly and rides it till it passes out of thirst. So my nights are drowned by babbling even if I am sitting and she can see I am typing she will talk and talk and talk and at this stage I need peace and quite to figure myself out.

So being without my wife and my child on this weekend is really hurting me like hell. I feel that suicide may not be a choice when the hurt eventually out weigh the reason to live. It is alright living as myself or authentic self but really it does not make up for the hurt at this stage it does not even comes close. All the things I liked and was not allowed to do I can do now I can wear the clothes that I want to wear I can have long hair even it is a wig for now I can wear makeup. But what I lost to get to this point I won't say was worth it to me.

In a way I feel like it is stupid getting divorced because of having gd and not going through with transition. It feels if I have to go through with it because of the high cost and everyone I know knows that I am trans. I really really came out to everyone.


All my doors are closed I only got 3 doors.

Door 1
Transition get it over and done with hope all is okay and I am fine and happy in the end. Get over my wife be good friends with her a great parent and hope to find real true love again.

Or

I can be sad I can regret my choice to transition me and my ex can always fight we can be enimies and I will never find someone to love me.

Door 2
Don't transition try to live a normal life as a man although I partially transitioned already. I know I will find another woman my wife won't be interested in me because she knows I am trans and that is the problem. Then I have to walk around with dhysporia and depression and anxiety as a result of it.

Or

Door 3

just end it all with jumping and getting it done with

I really don't know I will speak with my therapist on monday I really have to get to her I am trying to cope and be okay like last night but I really am not okay I realised. Anytime someone like me is having suicidal thoughts each day and consider it as an option no matter how you try to lie and be happy you know you have problems.

[Cindy]

Door 1 is the only choice Hon.

[Laura_7]

Have some hope and concentrate on the positive *hugs*

You might go to the chat ... if you want to talk to people ...

or talk to a few friends, that can help lift mood too ...

and you can always call or mail here, 24/7 ... please reach out in time, there are people there to help:
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us


hugs

[suzifrommd]

#3 will always be an option if you go the other two routes. However if you choose #3 now, you'll never know how the other routes would have turned out.

I agree with Cindy. Don't even consider #3 until you've tried #1 first.

[Amoré]

I am really trying door 1 but it a bumpy and emotional ride at this stage

[Asche]

I am really trying door 1 but it's a bumpy and emotional ride at this stage

Ol' doom-and-gloom here with some gloomy perspectives.

This pretty much describes my whole life.  I've gotten through by saying I wasn't put on this earth to lie around and eat bon-bons.

Door 3 has been on my mind and occasionally my most fervent wish for at least the past 50 years.  Somehow I'm missing the courage to actually go through with it.  I plan out how how I would do it, but then I'm too scared to take any concrete steps towards doing it.   Like the song says, "I gets weary and sick a' trying / I'm tired of livin' but I'm scared a' dyin'."

For the last 20 years or so, I've kept going by saying my kids need me, I won't abandon them the way I felt my parents (and all the other adults in my life) abandoned me when I was a kid.

Well last night I had a dream about her I was holding her in my arms and she was there I can feel her touch on my body and I long for that again.

I separated from my (now ex-) wife over 10 years ago, and I still feel this way at times.  And I was the one who divorced her.  Go figure.

I recently bought a three-foot tall teddy bear who I hug at night.  It helps.

Oh, yeah, maudlin stories (e.g., movies) help.  And chocolate.  Lots of chocolate.

[Amoré]

I think the only reason why I am still here is my popsicle really all the other stuff I really hate I am used to a person like my wife being there 24/7 supporting me being a person I could turn too always there always available and now I am alone I have to learn a lot of stuff to do on my own that she used to do but I guess it is the same with her as both partners poses different skills and bring that into the relationship. I miss her sense of humour as we had the same sense of humour so I could always make her laugh. I mis a lot of things really that is getting to me today. She went and visited my father today with my child I am sitting 3 hours away staying with my mom. It breaks me really and I can only think what my step mother is conjuring up and telling them again.

I really miss a body besides me and I want only her I can't see that someone will be able to replace her is it even possible.

[redeye92]

My situation is currently different than yours, but I have contemplated suicide many times. If I decide to start transitioning my wife and I may split. I haven't come out to my kids and not sure how that will go if I do. What helps me dismiss my dark thoughts and fears is to focus on the love I have for my kids. As my therapist reminded me, there is no surer way to ruin your kid's life than to take yours. I've seen this first hand with some kids in a youth group I used to help with who lost their dad to suicide. They weren't kids anymore, but they weren't adults either. They were hollowed out by what happened to them and very desperate to fill the hole.

You can't control what others say and do, so don't let their actions define who you are. There are people out there who are, or have been terribly hurt, and the only way they know to make themselves feel better is to tear others down. I hope you can look through their actions and see that they are just imperfect people that don't know how to make themselves feel better without hurting others.

I wish you the best and I hope you will reach out for help beyond this forum. Call the hotline others have recommended to help you get through the weekend, and just take it day by day.

Btw: if that's you in your avatar picture, you are very beautiful.

[Qrachel]

Dear Amoré:

It's door number 1!!!  The others aren't really alternatives; they are paths to ruin or worse.  Keep going on, one step at a time every day, just one step and then see about another tomorrow.  I can promise you that will work.

Please seek help immediately if the burden is too heavy.

Yours in peace,

Rachel

[Futurist]

Dear Amoré:

It's door number 1!!!  The others aren't really alternatives; they are paths to ruin or worse.  Keep going on, one step at a time every day, just one step and then see about another tomorrow.  I can promise you that will work.

Please seek help immediately if the burden is too heavy.

Yours in peace,

Rachel

Completely agreed.

[Amoré]

My situation is currently different than yours, but I have contemplated suicide many times. If I decide to start transitioning my wife and I may split. I haven't come out to my kids and not sure how that will go if I do. What helps me dismiss my dark thoughts and fears is to focus on the love I have for my kids. As my therapist reminded me, there is no surer way to ruin your kid's life than to take yours. I've seen this first hand with some kids in a youth group I used to help with who lost their dad to suicide. They weren't kids anymore, but they weren't adults either. They were hollowed out by what happened to them and very desperate to fill the hole.

You can't control what others say and do, so don't let their actions define who you are. There are people out there who are, or have been terribly hurt, and the only way they know to make themselves feel better is to tear others down. I hope you can look through their actions and see that they are just imperfect people that don't know how to make themselves feel better without hurting others.

I wish you the best and I hope you will reach out for help beyond this forum. Call the hotline others have recommended to help you get through the weekend, and just take it day by day.

Btw: if that's you in your avatar picture, you are very beautiful.

I am so sorry to hear about you struggle my popsicle is only 2 years old so there is not much to explain. I realised the only way also to dismiss this dark thoughts is to focus on the love between me and my child and it is really the only thing that keeps me going. But they return as I haven't got her near me at all. I will try to keep on pushing and see where it ends up in a couple of months but transitioning is not for the weak I know it takes a lot out of you.

It is me in the avatar thank you for you great comment.

[CarlyMcx]

If you want to stare into a beautiful pair of eyes and fall in love, then go look in the mirror.

[Amoré]

If you want to stare into a beautiful pair of eyes and fall in love, then go look in the mirror.

hahaha  are they that beautiful...

Well I am cycling going to trails and my wife used to ride with me and this morning it is catching me. As you get to places that brings up memories it is crap and you just want to cry. I hate it really at that stage I just want to turn back time and she don't want to be with me. I am not used to being alone.

[stephaniec]

I know for sure what stopped  my suicide was transitioning. I've lived my whole life alone and I couldn't and wouldn't take it anymore. I got into therapy to try to stop me from killing myself. There was no path for me. when you get tired of crying every night  for forty years because that person you kept praying for would enter your life so you can have a family never shows up and you realize your 64 years old and long passed the ability to have a child my only path was death. I sought out help to give one final chance at life and I realized the path that I needed to save what's left of my life at 64 was the dream that started when I was 4 years old. I took a chance and started HRT and now I'm alive with the hope of fulfilling a dream of letting myself out of the prison of pain.

[AbbyKat]

Amore, I am positive there are many here who relate to you, some almost to a tee.  You will hear from some who have thrived after having incredibly dark periods like the one you are going through.  Listen to these stories.

Personally, I was knocking on Door #3 for most of my life.  Opened it twice, actually.  Once I finally stood in front of Door #1, though... I kicked that goddamn thing open and never looked back.  Now, Door #3 is a sight fading into the rest of my bad memories.

Please hold nothing from your therapist when you see them on your next appointment.  This is a very delicate time in your life and it is important to examine everything and let wisdom and love back into it.

[Amoré]

I don't know what is stopping me from really doing it except my child and what pain it will leave behind for her. That is the only thing it does not look if my ex really cares much what I am up to or do with my life she is just glad that she can be unhinged from me the transgender embarrassment.

It sucks I see normal couples walking around with their baby and children, I feel guilty why can't I be normal I want to be normal I was normal. I at least made everyone believe I was normal. With all this my bisexuality came out again I dumped my whole hidden history on her of my struggle with dysporia I told her everything. I trusted her I thought she would be the understanding woman that I knew.

I am sitting with a massive amount of guilt because the last 5 months I was not really there I was sitting in a depressive hole . I was there physically but mentally I was not available the last couple of years I won't say I was the best husband because I was always there physically but emotionally I was not there really that is where the problems started so there were already problems before I came out and stuff that she was unhappy with.

I have a lot of what if moments and maybe if I do this or that. I don't know if it is my head not wanting to accept the reality of what is happening. I get really depressed because the girl with the beautiful eyes in the mirror does not replace her or a marriage. I am still trying to find what some of you found in happiness in transitioning and being yourself and if that meant losing your marriage family and friends then you are maybe stronger than me.

I am transitioning someday's and I don't even know why! I don't know why I am going through all this crap sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it. I know if I stop the process I am still going to struggle with it. If the hrt works out of my system it will become nasty and especially know that I have no one tying me down. So I don't really know why I am going down door no 1 I know I am pushing forward in the end and hope to find something there worth all this.

[AmyRose]

I so feel for you as I'm thinking such summar thoughts , why can't I just be a normal guy , why do I have to think I'm transgender , my wife and I have good jobs , house, 3 boys all under 12. Was in such a depressive state last year , antidepressants have helped but doesn't stop the dysphoria, I so don't want to go and open door 1 , there is family history of suicide and I so know the pain and hurt and I can't bring myself to that to my kids so if I transition my wife will leave me  , my 3 boys and school and gossip   , God a person could go mad thinking about this. I Thankyou for posting your thoughts and hopefully we can all support each other through this
Hugs Amy

[suzifrommd]

It sucks I see normal couples walking around with their baby and children, I feel guilty why can't I be normal I want to be normal I was normal.

Maybe you're not ready to hear this, but being trans IS normal. It's simply one, perfectly fine, way to be human. There is absolutely nothing shameful about being trans. To the contrary, we endure difficulties that cisgender people only face in their nightmares.

We are human beings. We love, we hope, we bleed, we struggle.

Being trans is just a different way to be normal.

[autumn08]

To make transition more worthwhile, you must try to satisfy all of your needs, so you don't feel like you are replacing one pain for another. It seems the problem is that you feel alone. Is there anyway you can alleviate this feeling?

[Amoré]

To make transition more worthwhile, you must try to satisfy all of your needs, so you don't feel like you are replacing one pain for another. It seems the problem is that you feel alone. Is there anyway you can alleviate this feeling?

Well I try to fill my life with being more active,searching actively for work and just trying to get through the day I reached out to some people and have good friends that I met on susan's that is really supporting me and helped me a lot in bad times. But none of it fills that big deep dark black crater that was left from losing my wife that crater is there and you can't miss it. If you never loved someone like this you won't really understand what it is to lose them. It would have been easier losing her to death in my opinion because you don't think what is she doing now with who is she is he better than me how is he in bed. I know she wants two children she is going to have a child with her next husband and I can only watch. She is the love of my life and there is nothing you can do you don't own her. She told me it wont bother her if I get someone new well it bothers me.

I sometimes feel she is faking happiness she is trying to spite me and hurt me by faking it and raving"look how much happier I am without you". She will get someone just to spite me like she said. The problem because I am trans I am not capable of being a proper man in her eyes.

Well if you look at my avatar ummm maybe I am far from a man. okay I feminised a bit.

I am exploring dating I know it may be too early but not just dating making friends.
But really I never felt this hurt in my life and like today this sadness that I am carrying the pain gets so overwhelming that I must drag myself out of bed and tell myself why door 1 why not 2 that is still pain or 3 that is easier than the other 2.