Hey y'all. So it's been a while, and it's probably going to be even longer until next time. I don't post much here anymore, but I went trough life changing trauma last year as my fiance (Noey that I met here on this forum) developed severe mental health issues of the apocalyptic kind.
Long story short, as they say, she slipped into a psychosis in which my family were trying to kill us, and she tried to save me by bringing me to heaven by throwing me out an open window. Luckily the window was to small for her to succeed, but the event was traumatic enough. She had already managed to cause a strife with my family sending them manipulative and accusatory emails behind my back, and causing havoc in the neighborhood by running into peoples homes and frightening their small children with her insane behavior. People called the police, she was arrested and delivered to a hospital where she spent the next 2 months or so before being deported. Meantime, I had been evicted from my home as a result, and I lost my livelihood. The next 12 months or so I spent drifting around living out of a bag while suffering severe PTSD and depression.
Noey eventually came out of it, but severely damaged. She struggled so much with crippling anxiety she eventually ended it all with a self inflicted shotgun blast to the head before xmas last year. 2016 has so far been a year of mourning and healing. I have finally got myself a new place to live, and I'm just starting to see a glimmer of hope for my future. I miss her, and I love her so much, but I think I have finally let go of her. She will always be there with me. She gave me the best absolutely best moments of my life, but also the absolutely worst. My relationship with her shattered my life into a million little pieces, and I'm pretty sure I'll never be the same again.
So what does all of this have to do with post-operative life? Everything, and nothing really.
After my transition had come to an end, I experienced this sort of vacuum in my life. I had transitioned, had ffs, srs, gotten married etc, but I felt incomplete somehow. I remember not feeling legit. As I've seen others on here say, I didn't feel like a woman. As it turns out, you never really start feeling like a woman. You just stop not feeling like a woman as you gain mileage. As a fact of a matter, I'm now more than 10 years post-op*, and what has happened given all this time and everything that has transpired, is that I no longer feel trans. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I just feel like me, I am a woman, and that is about as deep and complicated as it runs. It is all so simple now.
You'll hear new age people talk about something they call ego death. I never really got what they were talking about, and I still think it is mostly a load of bunk, but given the destruction of my life as I knew it last year, I've come out of it changed. My values have changed, my self-image has changed, my understanding of life and the world we live in has changed. I used to be so caught up in willfully not being trans that my behavior was contra indicative of someone whose not trans. How about them apples, huh? You actually end up getting what you focus on leaving behind.
It took life changing events for me to let it all go, and I no longer worry about the things I would obsessively worry about in the past. I've let go of my dear Noey, and I'm trying to move on. In the process I have met someone, and I'm sort of in a relationship with a guy now. Truth of the matter, I was never a lesbian to begin with. Noey was just so unique and wonderful I made an exception for her. Some might say it is too soon, but I really need to get away from it all and move on with my life, so here I am.
My boyfriend, if that is what he is, is at work now, and I'm at his place working on my computer. So far our relationship has just been one big coincidence. I met him, we hit it off, and that was that. Nothing was planned. Nothing contrived about it. I have no idea if he knows I'm trans or not, and frankly, I don't care. I feel like a new person now, and all that trans stuff is just so inconsequential to my life these days.
I have no plans for the future right now. I just want to get healthy and better again. I no longer care about materialistic things, and I no longer envy other women. I have come to accept and love myself as I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is an enigma, our own personal singularities. Life can be the most wonderful or terrifying thing, and we have little control over what happens to us, so live while you can and don't look back. Life is more than the noise you are experiencing. As it turns out, it is just that, noise, and nothing more.
* You will hear some people say that after the 10 year mark you will regret SRS. That is pure BS though, and I think they just say it to feel more legit themselves as they are obviously still working through some serious issues.
