Now, that's an interesting twist. Both members of a couple responding to third party, in the same thread. Past experience living with married couples tells me that I'm about to get dragged into the middle of a fight. Well, I don't live with y'all, so let's do this.
I'd like both of you to spend some time with this:
Quote from: MeganAshleyYou should look at it from the flip side...not that I was scared to tell you or that I hid something from you...but that I am in a relationship that I finally feel secure and safe enough in to share the absolute scariest thing in my life with you.
Megan: your use of the word "should" is troubling -- you're telling her what to do. And it sounds like she's already got her heels planted. You might make more progress if you use more passive, or self-directed language. "I would like you to look at it from the flip side," or "I have a different perspective that I'd like you to consider," or something along those lines.
BlindCourage: for a person who has spent the majority of their life identifying as a man, this is unimaginably scary. What I have seen from you is very reactionary. When one shares a deep and scary truth, and their most trusted loved one responds with fear and anger, it all goes from bad to worse. Do you see how scary this is for your spouse? Like I said... we didn't start making progress 'tiil we were both in individual therapy... and part of that is providing space for my wife to vent her fear and anger and frustration to somebody who isn't me. That's important, because my gender has ceased to be a source of fights.
Both of you: Megan needs a safe space to express and explore her gender. For now, that means doing things away from BlindCourage -- when she's out of the house, or at a friend's house, at a local lgbt meetup group, or anything. That'll give Megan a better idea of what this all means for her life.
Both of you might want to look for alternatives... but have low expectations of how well the other person will receive these suggestions. We're talking compromise here. Perhaps she can live as Megan 20% of the time. Maybe just weekends. Maybe an evening a week. I personally can't manage that kind of compartmentalization, but I've heard success stories along these lines. Maybe rather than living as a woman, she can simply work more feminine bits into her daily outfits. I have a friend who identifies as male but wears heels, skintight jeans, etc. And he looks
damned good.
Oh, since you like hearing stories from other couples:
http://www.unordinarystyle.com/
