Thank you to everyone! Your welcome and kind words mean a great deal to me.
The stories that I read in the introductions have been a particular comfort and revelation to me. They have helped me a lot. So, some more by the way of introduction:
As I said, I cross-dressed since puberty. I now think I used the sexual part of cross dressing to ease my gender discomfort. I didn't really identify as female but I also knew that I never fit in anywhere. School was a disaster and I never had many friends. I was able, however, to completely repress my TS longing. I went through the classic gather & purge cycles with feminine clothes, married twice and divorced once, had two wonderful sons and in the long run was (I thought) pretty satisfied with my life.
Two years ago a friend announced that he was going to appear in drag at a Halloween party at his house. I took the opportunity to "compete" with him and announced that I would too. (Halloween, the CD Christmas!) While this was not the first Halloween that I went out in drag, it was the first that I tried to look as convincing in the role as possible. While, based on the reactions of the other guests at the party, I was fairly successful (the men were uncomfortable, the women amazed) the main effect of the evening was a realization on my part of how truly comfortable I was, even in a skirt, push-up bra (one size too small) and 3 inch heels. In pain, but comfortable.
A week after the party I got contact lenses so there would be no need to buy feminine eyeglasses and had both my ears pierced. The next summer, I didn't stop shaving my legs. I also quit cutting my hair. All this, I told myself, was to be more able to dress and look the part for my private enjoyment. To questions asked by colleagues and family I gave vague or humorous answers that I half believed myself, simply to deflect the realization of what I was really doing! This lasted until about 6 months ago.
The rest of this story is in my original post. One of the most painful lessons I've had from this is my amazing capacity to lie to myself, as well as to everyone else, regarding my gender feelings. It really makes me understand the power of familial and social pressures to conform with what is expected. Of course, now, forewarned is forearmed. With support such as what I find here I'm much more hopeful.
Thnx
helen
