if i stay with my husband is sexual intimacy a thing of the past?, platonic now?

[mrsdarcysays]

my husabnd and i have intimacy about once or twice a month. we are both very busy people and most days flat out to tired. some times maybe frequentcy would be more but on average 1-2 times a month. yet we snuggle, kiss, touch hold, and hug and spoon all the time, which is nice and lets me know he cares and loves me. so ok that's fine. now im wondering if frequency may also be related to him just not being attracted to me that way.... now im wondering if we need to have our own rooms. is that ok? for those that stay together but not sexually attracted to each other, what do hou do? masturbate in private? what are the rules? what are other spouses experiences here?

[Ms Grace]

That might be a really good conversation to have with your spouse. Speaking only for myself here, I am very attracted to women but I found it hard to form intimate hetro relationships with them because while I (and they) enjoyed the foreplay they still wanted the intercourse which I felt less thrilled about. It may be that your spouse is attracted to men or women or both and if/when they transition they may feel more liberated sexually - or not... you can never know until you know. But better to get in on the ground floor of the conversation, right? And just as important are your preferences and what you want from a sexual and intimate relationship. If you're not sexually into women that is totally your right but it could make it difficult for you to continue intimacy with your spouse.

[SophieSakura]

Have you asked him if he's sexually attracted to you?  Are you sexually attracted to him?

I wonder this about my partner sometimes, if he's attracted to me, which he says he definitely is.  He wants sex less than cis guys I've been with...but still does seem to like it.  I always worry that he doesn't like the actual intercourse bit of it (he hasn't transitioned) but he says I'm just being silly and he is interested in me, just tired, etc. we still do it like maybe once every week or two as we have young kids and are tired.

So maybe with you and your husband, it is just tiredness.  I think once or twice a month is quite a normal amount for many people.  Not everyone is doing it every day or even week.

I think it's ok to do whatever you two are comfortable with when it comes to sleeping arrangements, masturbation, etc.  I imagine some people may be ok with masturbating in the same room as their partner, even if they no longer have sex with each other, and some people may not want to.  Maybe have a talk and decide on what level of intimacy you want and ask him if he wants to be intimate, share a room, etc.? 

I hope it works out for you.

[Eva Marie]

Speaking for myself - As my gender dysphoria progressed my feelings about doing "it" got worse and worse - it was clearly the wrong role for who I was beginning to understand that I was - it had nothing to do with my spouse. Perhaps your spouse is experiencing similar feelings?

Intimacy is whatever the both of you define it to be and continued communication between the two of you is the key. You should decide what is ok and what is across the line and your spouse should do the same. It is possible to be intimate in ways other than the traditional way, it just takes a willingness to be open with each other and to communicate your needs to each other. Love can find a way.

Many people here have stayed together through a transition. They realize that the person they loved and married is still there in spite of the changes.

[AbbyKat]

my husabnd and i have intimacy about once or twice a month. we are both very busy people and most days flat out to tired. some times maybe frequentcy would be more but on average 1-2 times a month. yet we snuggle, kiss, touch hold, and hug and spoon all the time, which is nice and lets me know he cares and loves me. so ok that's fine. now im wondering if frequency may also be related to him just not being attracted to me that way.... now im wondering if we need to have our own rooms. is that ok? for those that stay together but not sexually attracted to each other, what do hou do? masturbate in private? what are the rules? what are other spouses experiences here?

My wife and I have stayed together during my transition so I will offer some input, hopefully without getting too personal.  During our marriage, penis-in-vagina sex was something I was always very reluctant to participate in because of my issues.  Thankfully, she was never the type to expect that every time nor were we overly active in the first place.

So when I told her about what I've been trying to conquer and began my transition, she understood immediately that I felt extreme discomfort with doing that so we do other things now.  Essentially, we have entered into a lesbian relationship in every sexual way.  Straight people often only think that sex is one or two kinds of actions but it can be so much more and so much better.  We still have sex but my genitalia stays out of it (until SRS).  It has really worked so far and there are a lot of advantages to having a partner with equipment (strap-ons, etc) that never goes soft, never gets tired, and is always ready for lovin'.  I was afraid that wearing one may trigger some dysphoria in me but I felt okay about the whole thing after a couple of minutes.

If your spouse is on HRT, they might notice a change in their sexuality like I did, in the sense that I am always ready to play around and my entire body is like a sexual receptor (sorry if I'm being too open here but I'm all jacked up on the evil combination of cardio and coffee) and sex is actually fun for the first time in my life.  I don't have orgasms in the conventional sense but the overall experience is far more satisfying than any orgasm I had ever experienced before.  As far as my wife's perspective, she is also having a lot of fun but it takes some adjustment and getting used to (lots of letting go of old expected paradigms of sex).  One trap that is easy to fall into is trying to label yourself as a spouse of another woman when you identify as heterosexual.  If you try to force yourself into a label, you will become frustrated.  Just remember, you don't need to be attracted to men or women, you just need to be attracted to your spouse for things to work.  Once you throw away labels, it is easier to just love as humans are meant to do.

I hope some of this helps.  I just wanted to give you one story and hopefully you will hear several more so you can get an idea that there are no one-size-fits-all marriages or sexual relationships.  But maybe it will fit the two of you, right?

[mrsdarcysays]

Have you asked him if he's sexually attracted to you?  Are you sexually attracted to him?

yes I have, angrily and he says he is very attracted to me, and says that these days there are a lot of factors affecting our sex life, work, kids, getting older, stress, lack of sleep, headaches, general timing (he is ready I'm not, I'm ready he is not) yet he doesn't mention the gender stuff, but I also think its part of what is going on. He acts very submissive in bed, which irks me to no end, also this may seem weird but he smells differently to me these days :|.

I am generally sexually attracted to him too, but the guy version of him is what really gets me going.  AND I want him to instigate but I think he wants me to instigate so we end up spooning a lot and falling asleep versus anything happening. I admit I could be more engaging, but I really expect him to do it. So we are at a impasse in the bedroom at the moment. Quiet frankly I'm glad I have a massage wand, or I'd lose it!

[mrsdarcysays]

That might be a really good conversation to have with your spouse.

my first thought is he needs his own room, but I love him next to me at night.

... If you're not sexually into women that is totally your right but it could make it difficult for you to continue intimacy with your spouse.

Its not that I'm not into women, its that I'm into men, and their equipment.  I like my partner to be the instigator. He wants me to be the instigator, so we stall in this area at the moment.

[Laura_7]

also this may seem weird but he smells differently to me these days :|.

People often change smell on hrt .

I am generally sexually attracted to him too, but the guy version of him is what really gets me going.  AND I want him to instigate but I think he wants me to instigate so we end up spooning a lot and falling asleep versus anything happening. I admit I could be more engaging, but I really expect him to do it. So we are at a impasse in the bedroom at the moment. Quiet frankly I'm glad I have a massage wand, or I'd lose it!

Well often in a lesbian relationship somone waits to make the first move.
You might get a bit more active ... it can even be fun to explore a more ective side...
and tell them to be a bit more active themselves.


hugs

[Hope springs]

MrsDarcy,
  It sounds like your husband is acting just like a woman. Ciecumstances of the day affect a womans desire for intimacy. So just like you, he will need some coaxing and foreplay. What you guys are experiencing is called lesbian dead bed syndrome. the two women are waiting on the other to initiate. Neither party initiates so there can be months before any intimacy occurs.
  Another factor here is something called 'responsive desire'. Other than during ovulation, woman have a low sex drive compared to a man. But it can be coaxed upward by the right circumstances. Their sex drive "responds", it generally doesnt initiate. Its pure evolution. Women need a little time to evaluate who is trying fertilize their eggs. It doesnt matter if they have been married forever. Ovaries are picky and will not let just any old sperm near them. So the man needs to be charming, seductive and show alpha triats before the juices start flowing.
  Since your husband is on hormones, expect the behavior i just described. Your waiting on the seduction dance and noone is willing to start. I know from first hand experience.
   I told my wife i needed her to initiate. That was 3 months ago. Im still waiting. She is starting to think im not attracted to her (just like you said in the original post). Im still very attracted to her, but i dont think she will ever initiate. Its not in womans nature. Getting dolled up and being flirty is a sign your willing to be seduced, but its not initiation.
  Hope this helps. Embrace your inner slut girl and put some moves on him

[1xxMiaxx1]

 I always wonder the same thing? I wouldn't be able to if he went through the change and I tell him that. If I didn't come on to my husband we would probably never have sex. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week. I use toys on him and what not to make him feel like the girl he longs to be. He like sex with me and he gets his happy endings. It is irritating sometimes that he doesn't come on to as much and he is selfish with how he feels and what he needs. I have to remind him often it not just all about you, you know! Talk to him tell how you feel.

[mrsdarcysays]

MrsDarcy,
  It sounds like your husband is acting just like a woman. Circumstances of the day affect a woman's desire for intimacy. So just like you, he will need some coaxing and foreplay. What you guys are experiencing is called lesbian dead bed syndrome. the two women are waiting on the other to initiate. Neither party initiates so there can be months before any intimacy occurs.
  Another factor here is something called 'responsive desire'. Other than during ovulation, woman have a low sex drive compared to a man

That sounds exactly like us. :| I want to call out that he is NOT on hormones as far as I know, though he smells different to me and he wakes up covered in sweat at times, which is something new. Not sure what is going on. I asked him if he is on hormones and he says no.

He certainly is acting feminine which I love and hate :|. The other day we were watching a show on tv and there was a scene where the woman was in chastity. And he says to me that he would love if I did that to him. which is funny because we aren't having sex so its chastity by default, well unless he is taking care of himself with out me knowing, which could be the case.

I want him to come out to me, I want him to come clean but I know I've freaked him out and not sure how to broach the subject of make him be honest with me, because when I'm real with him, it freaks him out.

[Adchop]

yes I have, angrily and he says he is very attracted to me, and says that these days there are a lot of factors affecting our sex life, work, kids, getting older, stress, lack of sleep, headaches, general timing (he is ready I'm not, I'm ready he is not) yet he doesn't mention the gender stuff, but I also think its part of what is going on. He acts very submissive in bed, which irks me to no end, also this may seem weird but he smells differently to me these days :|.

I am generally sexually attracted to him too, but the guy version of him is what really gets me going.  AND I want him to instigate but I think he wants me to instigate so we end up spooning a lot and falling asleep versus anything happening. I admit I could be more engaging, but I really expect him to do it. So we are at a impasse in the bedroom at the moment. Quiet frankly I'm glad I have a massage wand, or I'd lose it!

Me and my wife have been sexually frustrated for many years for many of the same reasons that you are naming. I found sex with her somewhat awkward, & not near as pleasureful as I had hoped it would be. Over the years (I'm 34) we have both been busy & that left us both worn out. I honestly resorted to pleasuring myself in private, rather than with her. She became really frustrated with this, so I decided to try and provide for her needs better. What I found was many times I would go limp in the middle of action, which always made me feel horrible. My wife thought I was having an affair, or that I was gay, but I reassured her that it was none of those things. I like your husband explained it away as being tired, stressed, & eventually went to see a urologist. He diagnosed me with Low T, which does effect libidio, & provided me with viagra. I tried the t injections and viagra and still found myself struggling to pleasure her. The thing I never realized that whole time was that my issues were not medical, but rather instead related to GID.

My point in saying all of this is to let you know what I found out was that my body functionality wasn't the issue, but rather that we both preferred a more passive/femnine role in the sexual relationship, & this left us both sexually frustrated. Both of us wanted the other to be the dominate person in the sexual relationship, but neither of us were willing to. I pleasured her for many years & she really enjoyed it, but it just felt like another job for me, something that needed to be done. We have only had sex about 2 times in the past year, if that gives you any indication of where we are at. I'm hoping that hrt will help me reconnect with my true feelings, & hopefully improve my love life with my spouse. If not, I fear I'll be living the rest of my life sexually frustrated.

Good luck with your spouse, & hopefully you can work through your issues.

[chloe23]

I want him to come out to me, I want him to come clean but I know I've freaked him out and not sure how to broach the subject of make him be honest with me, because when I'm real with him, it freaks him out.

He needs to be honest with you. Good communication is going to make your marriage much stronger. He needs to be open and honest with you no matter how uncomfortable he is talking about his issues. Hiding in a closet is not helping matters.

[JoanneB]

My wife is a self described sexist. I tend to agree with her assertions that men do X, Y & Z, and women are A, B & C.

We all are raised with prejudices, or expectations. As a woman you expect men to have a set of attributes. Men tend to expect a set of attributes of women. Just the way it is. No matter how open minded we like to think, these feelings are often deeply seated.

My wife has also said she "cannot think of me as her husband with those bumps on my chest". I primarily present, live and work as a male. I care for as much, if not more, as before I undertook my journey. I'm the same person, yet far different.

Physically, I am not the same person I was some.... almost 40 years ago, or 5. I understand her her problems. She understands mine. "Maybe if you wore a Tee Shirt". Yes, she wants her man, No, she doesn't want a woman.

It is OK. Your feelings are valid

BUT... the primary reason my wife are still together (and alive) today is due to the difficult open and honest discussions

[julie d]

I guess that we all have different experiences. Sadly, since hormones and blockers I could not meet my wife's needs. Moreover, with small breast's and a changing body shape I am no longer sexually attractive to her. We now have separate bedrooms and I am considering dating, with her approval. I hope things work out better for you and your partner.