Confusion/doubt?

[BooshCats]

I've never posted anything on this site before, so forgive me if I've made a mistake.

Ever since I was a small child I knew who I was. I always wore boys clothes, I was always joining the guys on the playground, and when I was little I constantly asked my mom when I was going to grow a beard. I wanted to start T from the moment I knew it existed. When I was 15 I started therapy and did it for 6 months in order to get my hormones (in my state you can get hormones at age 16 with parental consent). Then, my mom made the appointment for me to basically start the whole process and get my hormones. I don't know what happened, but I suddenly lost all interest in transitioning. I didn't want anything to do with it. I still identified as a man, but I was just terrified of the idea. It wasn't just doubt, I really just didn't want it anymore. I didn't want my body to change, I didn't want a beard, I didn't want anything I would have previously done anything to have. That's how I felt for months and months up until this point. I'm 17 now and I feel the want for T coming back again. I feel like I'm starting to want everything again and I'm just really confused. I don't know if I should talk about starting T with my parents again because what if the same thing happens? What if I suddenly have no interest in it like last time? Part of me really wants to start it, but then another part of me doesn't want to start it at all. I feel like the feminine and masculine parts of me are at war.

I guess I just want to know if any of you guys have felt this way before? I really just wish I either felt like I really wanted T, or felt like I really didn't want T. I hate being stuck in the middle like this.

[Meghan]

That what Gender Dysphoria is about, and a person can confused about one own gender identities. That why we need to talk to Gender Dysphoria Therapist to sorting out. I had been in your shoe for a long time, and I begin seeing Gender Dysphoria Therapist this week. Good luck.

Luanne

[AshleyE]

In short, same story but I got resistance when I was younger and tried to settle. Now I'm 33 and can't stand that I fought myself for all these years.

I've started transition finally and definitely. There are still fears of the what if's but I believe that is normal for every big decision.

Talking to a therapist helped me more than words describe. Maybe that's the avenue you need to take and maybe for now just rest on transition being a possibility and not a definite or a must.

We all have to make that decision but there is no black and white. Sitting in the gray area is perfect for some.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place BooshCats and mj82slinger. I transitioned the other way but there is a big misunderstanding about the transition and hormones. A CIS doesn't feel masculine or feminine all the time, they just feel comfortable as they are. Much like you, I felt uncomfortable and depressed before my transition. Now I don't think about wanting to be female or being female. I don't think about my body or being uncomfortable in it.

This discomfort is caused by your sex hormones being incompatible with your brain. T is powerful enough to shut down estrogen production and bring on the "normal" feeling. Hormone blockers will also create the same effect but in a FTM they aren't normally given because T is sufficient.

When I transitioned, I only saw a few FTMs and blockers weren't available. People aborting a transition wasn't seen but after coming to Susan's last May, I discovered that people halting their transition was not uncommon. My theory is now that the T factories can be shut down. The "normal" feeling eliminates the drive to transition. The reason I never saw it in the FTMs in my days was because I never saw the numbers.

If you wish to try this as an experiment, you could talk to your Endo about E blockers. they would allow you to feel the effect without the body altering ability of T. In the end, it will be a decision you will have to make because only you will know what you feel comfortable with.

[Ms DeeDee]

Although I'm very new here and have only really known I was on this path for a short time, I think it's important to recognize that it's perfectly fine to identify male and express somewhat or fully feminine.  It's fine not to want to transition, just because you're a boy with a girl's body doesn't mean you should change it, nor does it mean you shouldn't change it..  But I think if I were young it would be harder because decisions at earlier ages have greater effects and because the hormonal changes of adolescence are making it harder to know who you are and who you are becoming.  I really feel for you and hope you can reach a point of peace with your body.  I think you definitely should talk to your parents and a therapist and shouldn't "should" yourself into a decision one way or the other, if that makes any sense.

Hugs,
DeeDee