Hiya.
I've been visiting these forums for about a year and a half now, but just recently made an account. I actually wanted to introduce myself on I guess my first day of HRT? (Saw an endo last Wednesday, and he gave me prescriptions for spiro and norethindrone which I just got filled today; the E injections from what I understand will come a little bit later - I think he said they mail order it themselves because it's cheaper or something, I don't know, I was super nervous/excited at the 1st appointment). This might turn into a semi-novel or not, but if you actually read all of it, kudos to you. TL;DR at the bottom.
Anyways, I'm not the most talkative person (in person, mind you), but I do tend to write a lot, I guess? Like I tell everyone online I've met, I'm probably one of the shyest persons you'd meet if we met in person. I even sorta got an award or whatever for it in high school; I got the superlative for "Most Soft-Spoken", which to me I still find strange that that was even a category.
Oh here I go and ramble now...
I was born in California, am half Filipina, a lesbian, yadda yadda boring stuff. Growing up I've lived in a bunch of different cities, from Las Vegas to near Seattle to down here in Florida in the Jacksonville area (I have not seen snow in over 14 or so years and sorely miss it sometimes). I was always reserved and kept to myself, and that combined with my family moving a bunch and anxiety and all that, I never really made real friends with anyone. Don't worry, that didn't last forever though. I've more or less been dealing with pretty bad social anxiety for all my life, and only got around to treating it several months ago after going to a gender therapist (currently on generic Zoloft for the anxiety). I was always afraid to let emotion or thoughts out and asking for help. I mean, if you want an example, the first time I ever asked a teacher to use the restroom was in 9th grade.
It wasn't until high school that I made like actual real friends. I actually went into the IB program for high school, and I originally didn't want to do it because I would go to a different school than the one I was supposed to go through, but my parents and all that. But I'm glad I did though. My first real friends were a couple girls who were best friends at the time. I remember they walked up to me during a fire drill during Spanish class and exchanging more introductions and whatnot. I know one of them really liked me, but I was just horribly anxious and never had anyone give interest in me like that before. She even asked me to one of the school dances in 9th grade, but said I couldn't go because my parents' anniversary was that day and the family had plans to go out (I later learned that my parents would have let me go if I had told them earlier, but you know, anxiety gets in the way). Even today I still feel sad about it and the missed opportunities, but c'est la vie. First 2 years of high school with them definitely helped me, just a little bit. The latter 2 years we sort of drifted away a little bit for various reasons, and I've only recently contacted them after several years just to tell them about my situation and things.
Anyways, then a bunch of guys and a few girls in that group befriended me. I always felt just a little awkward around them sometimes, and still do whenever I see any of them. Sometimes they'd say or do things that I just didn't understand and just pretended like I understood. They're all good friends though; I told them about all my gender stuff almost a year ago and they've all been fine with it.
Actually, everybody I've come out to, both friends I've physically met and online friends have been accepting. Even my parents, though they're having a hard time grasping it all in now, they're still helping me with the therapy and medications and all that since I'm unemployed (hopefully in the coming months I'll be able to at least find a part-time job or something). Even my sister has been okay; I mean we used to butt heads a lot growing up. She was the one that pushed my Dad to talk to me about seeing a therapist/psychiatrist. And recently I just learned from my Mom that she said she could help me pay for some of the things, but I just don't enjoy taking money or even receiving gifts (I'd much rather give). Anyways, we all still live under the same roof and all that.
I do have a BA in Anthropology from UF. It's kind of a miracle to me that I got a degree from there. I absolutely hated university. The first 2 years I was struggling in a major that I wasn't suited for (Nuclear Engineering) due to a friend first suggesting it to me. I should have switched sooner and maybe then my GPA wouldn't have been as low as it was. Despite that, I did enjoy learning some of the things, like my programming class (Fortran - programming language). Every single adviser I had until the last one didn't really help me at all. The last one took a chance on me because she saw me improve after switching to Anthropology. I was "off-track" for the 3rd time (not a single adviser before had told me I was off-track the 1st or 2nd times...), and had she not given me that chance, I would have had to switch universities. Anyways, university was just a terrible time for me, up until the end. I hated rooming with guys; lived in Murphree Hall with 1 who played lacrosse (I don't do sports), and 3 high school friends in Beaty Towers my 3rd year. First and last year I was off-campus at The Landings, and pretty much stayed in my room both years, pretty much ignoring the guys that I was rooming with. Overall, it wasn't a great experience for me, and was generally just a giant denial and dark time for me.
I've always been self-conscious about my body and whatnot. From elementary school to even today, I'd cover myself up, hide away and keep to myself. I remember back in 2nd grade, the parents/teachers were talking about all the kids and mentioned me growing up, getting broader shoulders and playing football, which did not interest me in the slightest (and glad it mostly didn't happen). I absolutely hate being in photos; I've only been in a photo twice in the past 5-ish years, and they were both taken by me.
Just some final tidbits before the TL;DR. I played the trombone from 7th grade all the way through high school. I sometimes miss marching band performances (one of the years we had custom made costumes that made us look like lions, with cat ears and face paint and all that, for our Lion King show). I'm more or less musically inclined, I guess. I love singing to myself and along with various songs, even if I don't really necessarily like my voice fully. Which is funny to me too because my online friends have all said they like my voice and encouraged me to talk more on our voip. I've also even been ma'amed on several occasions over the phone, which is great; the endo office lady even thought she was talking to my mom or something sometimes. Anyways, I messed around Mario Paint Composer (composing program thing with a Mario theme, based on the old Nintendo Mario Paint music thing) during college and was (am?) still part of that community somewhat, even though I haven't composed anything on it in years, and seldom pop into the forums/Skype group.
I'm a gamer, pretty much solely PC nowadays (even if all I have is an old laptop, for now). Right now I'm playing things like Diablo 3, Civ5, and Guild Wars 2. My GW2 guild I've been with since GW1; been with them for ~9 years, and have been the longest-serving Officer for it, only being surpassed by our mighty founder and leader (anyone else who plays it, my main is a Sylvari Chronomancer). Given gender choice, I always go with a female character; when they added a gender change back in GW1, I switched my main's gender to female. I used to run a minecraft server for friends back in college. And I love playing games with people I know and can trust, except the competitive PvP type ones or modes. Not super interested in that, I'd rather work with someone than go against them.
TL;DR - Hi, I'm half Filipina, 5 ft 6 in and ~120 lbs, a music lover, a gamer, super shy, and a bunch of other things. I don't know if I'll post often, but I just wanted to say things, and stuff. If you actually read all that above, you deserve a cookie or 4. Haha...
~^FC^~
(PS: both my therapist and a friend recommended I write a blog or something, because I'm better with written/typed words than spoken ones, or something, apparently. But I dunno...)
