Internal transfobia is bringing me down

[Amoré]

I don't know how many of you experienced internal transfobia?
At this stage susan's is my best place for support and I have a lot of struggles these days.

I have had this a little bit but now after living full time for a week and a half I have it bad.
I am putting myself down for being trans I tell myself it is wrong I hate myself . I don't want to be trans and what is wrong with being a man and staying a man. Being my child's  fathers and all the privileges I am losing with transitioning.

I am scared of unemployment as I am already struggling with employment. Getting a job as a trans person is much harder. I have two interviews on friday and how do I explain to them I am trans do I just keep quite and make sure I get the job because I wonder if I didn't get the previous jobs because I told them about my intentions to transition.

I am also so scared of not passing, passing is absolutely necessary for me! I am scared of being beaten up being made fun of I don't want to embarrass anybody I am with.

I am scared of not finding love again. I already lost the person I loved the most in this world because I am trans nothing else just that.

Here is a photo of me recently please tell me if I pass my body has still got a lot of bulk that I am working on. If I don't pass please please be honest and what I can improve then.



I really don't know why I am feeling like this and feeling so insecure. I feel so crap when my child calls me dad my mom calls me a he and her son and by my male name when we are in a shop. I am thinking to myself is all this really worth it? I lost so much I am struggling each day with guilt emotions and myself. How can all this possibly be worth all this crap and pain!  I really hate being trans but I can't help that my mind has got this irritating drive if I don't do it I get so damn depressed and everything. Also because looked at the price I payed just to get to this point then to turn back now?

I am going out to the shops like this and she is going with me sometimes.

I really struggle to see a good future for me as a trans woman I don't know why!

[autumn08]

The reason my internalized transphobia dissipated was because I accepted that while I can create larger priorities, which would diminish the relative value of transitioning, the benefits of transitioning are inalterable. Therefore, after resolving my larger priorities to my expectations, I shouldn't feel indulgent that transitioning would suddenly begin to feel more valuable.

To create a strategy for managing your internalized transphobia, you should write a list of all the triggers that cause you to feel guilty for being transgender, so you are more aware when they occur, and then when they do occur, remind yourself that you can not change the fact you have gender dysphoria, there is nothing indulgent about it, and then envisage the best way forward.

As far as your picture, I promise, you look like an attractive woman. While you are able to put yourself together very well, and therefore are self-aware, I think you expect a lot from yourself. Don't worry, you look great.

[Deborah]

That doesn't sound like internalized transphobia to me.  It just sounds like a realistic assessment of the situation.


Sapere Aude

[autumn08]

That doesn't sound like internalized transphobia to me.  It just sounds like a realistic assessment of the situation.

Her assessment is realistic, but don't you think internalized transphobia is self hatred for being transgender?

I am putting myself down for being trans I tell myself it is wrong I hate myself.

[Deborah]

Her assessment is realistic, but don't you think internalized transphobia is self hatred for being transgender?

Yes, I agree with that about the self hatred. 

Being trans is just something that is.  It's not chosen.  If anyone needs hating it's not the self but rather those in society who revel in their ignorance while self righteously rejecting something that is every bit a part of the natural world as they are.


Sapere Aude

[Amoré]

I think it is self hatred for being trans truly I hate myself for being trans I don't know why I was so self-conscious while being in the shops today and my wife send me I must collect my divorce documents from the sheriff and I bursted into tears in the mall.

[Deborah]

All the things that have recently happened to you truly are horrible and are a very good reason for feeling bad and bursting into tears.  But you really need to work on that self hatred.  These are things beyond your control.  They are not something to hate yourself over.  That is self destructive and will just delay your healing.

Someone will say you did have a choice and could have chosen to do nothing.  That argument is really silly.  This is a medical condition whether they choose to see truth or choose to live in their comfortable delusion that it doesn't exist.  A medical condition requires treatment and right now there is only one treatment known.  So where is the choice in that?  Do they tell people with other medical conditions to refuse treatment so the can continue in their delusion that a condition doesn't exist and not inconvenience themselves?  No they don't. 


Sapere Aude

[Amoré]

That is the problem I don't have a choice it is like an internal drive. everyone I know tells me it is a choice I made and how do they add that up in their head. I don't hate being male. But something in me tells me it is not me this is not what I was supposed to be.

but somethings is bothering me will I really be happier will I struggle will I ever see myself as a complete woman.

[autumn08]

Someone will say you did have a choice and could have chosen to do nothing.  That argument is really silly.  This is a medical condition whether they choose to see truth or choose to live in their comfortable delusion that it doesn't exist.  A medical condition requires treatment and right now there is only one treatment known.  So where is the choice in that?  Do they tell people with other medical conditions to refuse treatment so the can continue in their delusion that a condition doesn't exist and not inconvenience themselves?  No they don't. 

Well said.

but somethings is bothering me will I really be happier will I struggle will I ever see myself as a complete woman.

There is no absolute definition of a woman, but your personal definition of a woman has limitations, therefore it is possible to increase the ratio of expectations you meet, and as a result, feel content with greater frequency.

[Qrachel]

Hi -

I had internal transphobia so bad it was awful . . . my reasons were different but the self-hate and even transgender hate in general was huge.  In time with therapy and support groups I shed the hate and was left with me as a 59 year old trans-woman who could make a life for herself or not - like you, I chose a life as a woman and 16 years later it was and still is a great decision.

I share this because aside from individual circumstances, what you are experiencing is fairly common early on.  That doesn't make it easy but know that you'll get past this.  Early on my hate of this matter was consuming and on top of my all my other sh~t it really go to me.  My therapist plus a few support group friends helped me a ton as I opened up about this to them.

Take good care dear,

Rachel

[stephaniec]

I think the job is more important at the moment than public transition

[Amoré]

I think the job is more important at the moment than public transition

The job is very important I will agree but public transition is part of my plan how can you life as a woman if you can't work as a woman or be at work as a woman. For me part of being a woman is living as a woman going to bed as a woman getting up as a woman and going to work as a woman if I am naked I also want to look like a woman. I will keep my trans status to myself in my interviews but I don't like living half half it feels stupid to me and confusing. This morning I got up dressed male I felt stupid. I then dressed female transphobia hit but I felt more like myself even if I was uncomfortable and went to the shops and felt like ->-bleeped-<- being dressed male just felt wrong.

[itsApril]

This morning I got up dressed male I felt stupid. I then dressed female transphobia hit but I felt more like myself even if I was uncomfortable and went to the shops and felt like ->-bleeped-<- being dressed male just felt wrong.

I feel for you: dysphoria if you present as a male, but transphobia if you present as female.  But one thing that practically everyone here will tell you is that presenting as female becomes easier and easier as transition progresses.

I think stephaniec is right:  Get the job.  Any job.  Even if it's in temporary conflict with your public transition.  You need a job to keep the wheels turning in your life.  You can sort it out later as your transition advances.  There are other jobs that will come along later if this one doesn't work out.  But for now, you need to establish your independence.

[JoanneB]

I had two previous aborted transition 'experiments'. Both times stopping them thanks to a major piling on of hating being trans, knowing too well what others thought of '->-bleeped-<-s', knowing all too well what 'Life as a Target' is like, and throw in an unhealthy dose of negative self esteem.

Transitioning is a process driven by priorities at that point in time of your life. You do what you got to do to survive. If that means preparing yourself financially first, then do it. Growing as a person, understanding yourself better, you do that. If it is a question of living long enough to wake up the following morning, you speed things up.... A lot. Or, it could be something in between.

To this day I still hate being trans. I also still beat myself up a lot over what I try to do about it. I still, in some ways, blame myself for it all. "I CAN beat this if I only tried harder" I tell myself. I also tell myself "I know what does not work". I spent over 40 years trying the stuffing, distractions, denial, fighting it route.

When my life hit bottom, when I lost just about all that meant anything to me, when I lost the very thing, the only thing, I believed good about myself, the desperation drove me to try something desperate. I actually took the Trans-Beast head on rather then the flirting I've been doing for the better part of 4 decades.

To this day I have the "WTF am I doing?" moments. In the earlier days they far from moments. They were total meltdowns. Bargaining with God, myself, my wife. Trying to convince myself I stop all the silliness and go back to 'Normal'. Spent countless nights crying myself to sleep. Drinking myself into a stupor.

It all SUCKED

But, taking on the beast, even in a small way, showed me that it was just a bit less suckier then not doing it. More became better. Over time, it got better.

The realities of life get into the way of my dreams, my hopes. Realities like employment, being able to care for my wife. I try not to let the realities of my dreams get in the way of living. It is a difficult balancing act. Often I fall. Boy does it SUCK

While "No one WANTS to be trans", certainly not me; I are. Denying it, I learned, is not the solution. Neither does, if the situation does not warrant it, taking the "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" approach.

Balance.... The pro's make it look easy

[Amoré]

Thank you all well I just got up this morning and I wish I could really wake up without this noise in my head. I want to wake up and not see a man in the mirror and when I go to the bathroom not have that thing in between my legs. I hate that I have to work so hard to look female while females just look that way. It sucks I know transition takes time but I hate it.I still have bulk from my body building day's it makes me feel more self conscious.


Then if I am dressed up and all I have this thing that I hate myself I hate being trans because life would just be so much simpler without all this. I would have had my family with me. I would not have to worry about all the things that trans people worry about. Being trans just sucks. I am trying to get my priorities right I must get my independence back get a job but even today if I present male I am dysphoric even if I present female I hate myself for doing it and feel dysphoric. I am depressed most of the time due to a lot of things going on in my life then I have this also on top of that.

I hope it gets better

[stephaniec]

every step forward is an accomplishment no matter how small it's moving

[Amoré]

Can it be that the male identity I created is deeply rooted in my relationship with my wife? That if I lose the relationship I lose that identity? This brings up fear and anxiety. Also not feeling good enough elevates dysphoria. I have a bad history with dysphoria before I met her from trying to castrate myself numerous times to injecting my penis with batery acid hoping for damage so they will remove it and give me by accident the choice to be a girl. I tried it I prayed to God to make me a girl and even made deals with the devel.

Nothing magically turned me into a girl but I wanted to be a biological girl more than anything. I shaved my body hair that grew out from 16 and got a navel piercing at 15. It was even impossible for me to play the part around boy's to be a boy I was shy I was attracted to some of them. I was attracted to girls also but I wanted to be a girl. I was so embarrassed about my feelings after I told my parents I hid it and tried to be normal as best. Now that my relationship and marriage fell apart my whole identity that I created crashed to the ground and I am left with her. Screaming I am female and she won't leave me alone. I want her to leave me alone but she is there begging me to give her more life to let her live. She is driving me insane once again. With my marriage I could have kept her at bay I pushed back but now I feel so powerless. I know she is not the enemy and I am making her own one she is maybe the true me maybe not. All I know she will never go away

[pyhxbp]

... my whole identity that I created crashed to the ground and I am left with her. Screaming I am female and she won't leave me alone. I want her to leave me alone but she is there begging me to give her more life to let her live. She is driving me insane once again.

... All I know she will never go away

I experienced much the same. She will win because she is real. My male "me" was a facade, something I hid behind to get through life but "he" was not really me.

You are not letting "her" free, you are letting yourself free.

[Amoré]

I experienced much the same. She will win because she is real. My male "me" was a facade, something I hid behind to get through life but "he" was not really me.

You are not letting "her" free, you are letting yourself free.

Well it does not matter how much I fight back I saw she will win I will agree with you she is real. Like my wife said she will always be there. She won't go away and she won't I tried all I can.

[Sebby Michelango]

It's important to be yourself and live a life in happiness. You hasn't done anything wrong, it's the society it's something wrong with. If the society and the people around you can't respect you, they aren't very tolerant. I understand getting a job is important for you. Maybe you could considering getting a LGBT-friendly working place. A life where the work, society and other people choose how you should live isn't fun. Try to find a job where they respect you, not a job with full of fundamentalists and transphobic people. If you can live the life you want to and it doesn't matter what they say, you win. If the society's pressure affect you very much and choose how you should live, it would be very hard for you. Even it's harder to find a job as transgender, you can do it. Don't give up. I would never let the authority decide, discriminate or steal my freedom. I would fight against the society even if I get executed or a punishment.