Internal transfobia is bringing me down

[Amoré]

It's important to be yourself and live a life in happiness. You hasn't done anything wrong, it's the society it's something wrong with. If the society and the people around you can't respect you, they aren't very tolerant. I understand getting a job is important for you. Maybe you could considering getting a LGBT-friendly working place. A life where the work, society and other people choose how you should live isn't fun. Try to find a job where they respect you, not a job with full of fundamentalists and transphobic people. If you can live the life you want to and it doesn't matter what they say, you win. If the society's pressure affect you very much and choose how you should live, it would be very hard for you. Even it's harder to find a job as transgender, you can do it. Don't give up. I would never let the authority decide, discriminate or steal my freedom. I would fight against the society even if I get executed or a punishment.

I am trying to get into a LGBT friendly firm the one interview that I got tomorrow is great for that it is one of South Africa's biggest financial firms and they are LGBT-friendly as far as I know the other one I am not sure of. I am picking up on many traits these days that is naturally female like if I sit I always sit with my legs crossed I don't know why. I picked up on it today. I believe transsexuality has biological origins why would I choose this for myself. Why would all of us choose a fate like this.

I had major dysphoria when I did not shave and saw my beard in the mirror today. I don't know why it did not bother me when I was living as male with my wife.

[Sebby Michelango]

I am trying to get into a LGBT friendly firm the one interview that I got tomorrow is great for that it is one of South Africa's biggest financial firms and they are LGBT-friendly as far as I know the other one I am not sure of. I am picking up on many traits these days that is naturally female like if I sit I always sit with my legs crossed I don't know why. I picked up on it today. I believe transsexuality has biological origins why would I choose this for myself. Why would all of us choose a fate like this.

I had major dysphoria when I did not shave and saw my beard in the mirror today. I don't know why it did not bother me when I was living as male with my wife.

I understand you. I have major gender dysphoria too. But you're lucky that is able to cut of your unwished body and facial hair. A trans man's major issue is often boobs and they can't be shaven off. They are there until top surgery.  So you can comfort yourself with hair is easier to remove than removing boobs is for me.

[Amoré]

I understand you. I have major gender dysphoria too. But you're lucky that is able to cut of your unwished body and facial hair. A trans man's major issue is often boobs and they can't be shaven off. They are there until top surgery.  So you can comfort yourself with hair is easier to remove than removing boobs is for me.

Can't they do like brain transplants and just swap trans peoples brains out 

I can imagine, it is somthing like me looking down and seeing that thing poking out between my legs I am starting to get boobs but it looks so out of place.

[JoanneB]

Thank you all well I just got up this morning and I wish I could really wake up without this noise in my head. I want to wake up and not see a man in the mirror and when I go to the bathroom not have that thing in between my legs. 

Ahhh  the "Noise in the head". Deafening some days. Just too loud like Grand-Ma's TV most days. Alcohol quiets it only until it suddenly becomes a few Kilo-watts of audio beamed right at you.

I still get it. Just not nearly as often. Some days I swear I am going out of my way to turn up the volume. Most days I awake to see Joanne. Pretty much every day now. But hey, it's only been 7 years out of almost 60. That is a lot of unlearning.

I hate that I have to work so hard to look female while females just look that way.

TBH - I had a female friend, tall, and looks a lot like you. Never had she said, before or after me coming out to her about her body or looks

It sucks

Lemons or Lemon-Aid?  Being trans will always just plain suck. Not being the real true you in the real world? Well, I think that sucks a whole lot more

I hope it gets better

I took it on faith that it Might just get a little bit better. Well this customer had her expectations met and exceeded.

[Amoré]

LOL it is the second person that says they know a woman that looks like me. I am short only 165cm for a man think that is 5'3. But really being trans is difficult and not fun always. I have two job interviews and I don't know what to tell them. Then I am having dreams about my wife having babies with other men. I know if we divorce it is none of my business but it hurts like hell.

She is the only thing in this world that kept gd at bay and I lost her.

[Amoré]

The only problem is the only thing that can keep me male is my marriage I don't know if it because I am forced to stay male and then press back against transitioning or just because I know my place is as a male in my relantionship. Without it I feel like I am drowning in dysphoria I cant push back it is destroying me from the inside and transitioning is then not becoming a choice more like a must. I tried to explain it also to her and she don't get it that I need my relationship with her to resque me from it.

[Ms Grace]

I had internalised transphobia for much of my life. It played a big part in stopping me from going ahead with my transition when I was 24 - I decided "trans people were weirdos and I didn't want to be a weirdo", I figured I'd just had a mental freak out and that's what caused me to go on HRT for two years, start electro and go out as Julie but "obviously I was deluded". My transphobia was off the scale and stayed that way for over 20 years, keeping me from contemplating retransition. But finally it changed. Why? Because I knew it wasn't OK to have transphobia against other trans people so why did I hold it against myself? That's largely what internalised transphobia is, not being able to accept yourself for who you are. If you cannot accept yourself then it is just going to make things more difficult.

[sparrow]

If you can pass as male in job interviews, you will be more likely to get hired.  Do the cost/benefit analysis of putting up with dysphoria for a week or few.  Exercise the privilege you still have access to.

I mean, it already sounds like you're doing the same thing as me: when life gets overwhelming, especially as a result of my gender, denial takes over again, and internally-transphobic boymode comes back.  That can be a convenient in times that it seems beneficial to present as male.

I've come to view it as a healthy protective response.  One really sucky, but oddly reassuring, reality check is that sometimes boymode starts to think not-so-internally-transphobic thoughts... I never thought like that before... it's the denial talking.  So I accept that this is my life, and I try to keep putting one foot forward.

[Amoré]

Well I went for the interviewed the one I did not say I was trans the other company I asked about their lgbt policy and they are open to trans people so I hope I get the job.

[Sebby Michelango]

Can't they do like brain transplants and just swap trans peoples brains out 

I can imagine, it is somthing like me looking down and seeing that thing poking out between my legs I am starting to get boobs but it looks so out of place.

I don't think brain transplant/lobotomy/gender change would work. There aren't any technology for that yet and neither it's invented yet. If that existed, I would never do that. Because it doesn't fix the body, it kills the brain. It would kill me as a person if I undergo a brain surgery. My soul (personality, gender, taste etc) are me. My brain is the part of me that is most me. I would never "kill" myself for being "cis". I'm happy with my personality and my brain. Happy with the soul, not the body. That's just my thoughts about about brain surgery.

But it's up to you what you would do. If you really wanted it, I would accept that and wish you good luck.

[GarryLynn]

I feel very similar. I'm in a complicated place with my boyfriend right now. As far as dating I don't know how I feel switching from being a gay guy to a straight transgirl, it feels unsettling, and even further from there is a mess. As far as being recognised as a girl in my family, I've still been called a he and my birth name. I'm afraid I wouldn't be hired for anything for being trans and I'm going into college soon and I feel like that's be hell. But, it will get better. Since I've came out fully the first phase of it was hell, but it got better. It's getting better and sometimes we need to wait it out and go along to see it, but it gets better

~hugsies~ 🐻

[autumn08]

Well I went for the interviewed the one I did not say I was trans the other company I asked about their lgbt policy and they are open to trans people so I hope I get the job.

Good luck! 

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