Fear of transitioning

[Leslie36369]

Does this ever go away? I know undoubtedly I want to transition fully. Lately, it has came to a point where I almost just can't see it any other way. The problem is I'm afraid to get to the point of no return. While I am unsatisfied with my male form, I have became rather attached to it. Also, oddly enough there is a social comfort I have created by being bigger and stronger than everyone. While I have let that go over the past few months, and slimmed down loosing muscle mass, I still have these "oh <Not Permitted>" moments. Only minutes or hours where I am compelled to pic up the steroids and start binge eating protein and living in the gym. Once those are gone I go back to googling hormones surgeries and cute clothing sites. Since I feel stuck in this place I fear actually taking estrogen. Though, thats all I want to do at the same time.

Is this normal, or is it a sign I'm not ready? Does anyone have similar experiences?

Mod Edit:Language

[LivingTheDream]

I'd think everyone fears it at least a little bit, especially in the beginning, so I'd say that's totally normal.

I didn't know where I'd end up in the beginning. There is no way I could've imagined or believed anyone if they told me I'd be where I am now back then.

I started off on this journey before I knew anything about transition or about being trans. When I did learn about it I was kinda shocked to be honest but kinda excited too. I was like wow, this is a real thing and like there is a process to fix it.

I spent quite a bit of time after that being where it sounds like you are now, questioning things, looking for the end result and the process of going from here to there, do I really want this, can I really do this?

I took things really really slowly and safely at first. I started with therapy and support groups, learning and talking bout this and my thoughts and feelings and fears. Started laser shortly after, figured always hated my facial hair, why not get rid of it once and for all, if I decide later I don't wanna go thru with transition can stop there and still have something that I wanted and wouldn't regret; a clean face w/o shaving. Started going to therapy and group dressed after (switched clothes in my car..). Had already experimented with herbs for feminization prior to all this (hair was getting shaggy too by now pre trans awareness), wanted safer, real deal meds, so started hrt. I STILL wasn't sure I could do this, go thru with it but I had to try. Few months after that I started going more doctor appointments in fem; I figured why not, they're gonna know whats up anyways after tell em bout my meds (could've lied but didn't wanna) and figured those places pretty safe. Finally got dragged out in public public one day (mall), world didn't end, nothing bad happened so continued doing so more and more and here I am now, basically full time.

As for the part about the point of no return, I guess it depends on what that means to you exactly. For me, I'd say I have reached that point now for the simple reason that I can't ever imagine or see myself going back to trying to be a dude all or most of the time anymore for any reason. Physically I believe I may be able to do it and pass and all but mentally I just couldn't. Depending on breast growth and surgeries and stuff, you could prolly go back and forth for quite some time, many people do do this, or it could be that your blessed (or cursed) with your genes and couldn't easily after hrt due to quick growth, it just depends.

Hope this helps.

[Leslie36369]

Thank you, that helps alot. I guess the point of no return for me is breast growth. I know if the social aspect wasn't there I would start HRT tomorrow. While some family and like 2 friends know, there is still a lot of pressure on me to conform to this uber masculine standard I have created for my self.  With that and also being in this backwoods town I live in it's hard not to go back and start banging the weights around grow my beard out and start injecting to testosterone. I was at the convenient store tonight getting gas, wearing shorts and a hoodie. THe girl that used to flirt with me looked at me like an absolute freak. Now, with my eyebrows arched much muscle melted off, my legs and facial hair all shaved and my fingers shiny and manicured. It felt horrible, and with all the support I get with people I choose to surround myself with to feel supported, I just want to back track on any progress and muscle up and grow my beard out.

So, I guess it goes with out saying be it 6, 8, 12 months when I have breast no matter how small. Without surgery I can never really present as a masculine male again. Which to clarify isn't what I want. I just think it's easier. I know I need to go to support groups and I've found one an hour away. I need to make friends that I know support and understand. All this seems impossible on a social level. Otherwise there really is no question in my mind. I'm just afraid where my mind will go and how healthy making my mind healthy will be. I fear developing agoriphobia and severe depression. It's happened with me before with other stuff. I guess thats where a therapist will come in handy. It just feels crazy in my environment. I am certain in other situations I wouldn't even be thinking about it just doing it. those circumstances involve relocation.

Obviously, having made the actual final decision has fraked me out a bit lol.

[RobynD]

I think many people mourn the loss of their older self. Even if it was not a fully functional or happy self. The decision and drive to live as your true self, generally will not be sent away by force. It usually comes back in the same or different ways. Many would argue that you lose male privilege and i have seen this too, this is what you may mean by calling masculinity easier.

For some breasts come in barely, for others they come in massively. There is an option for many to be gender fluid and move back and fourth.

[Leslie36369]

Many would argue that you lose male privilege and i have seen this too, this is what you may mean by calling masculinity easier.

It's a bit of male privilege, but not only that. It's just people looking at me differently. I know that will go away once my transition comes together a little, but that's only in public. I am going to have to deal with everyone I know at some point. If they choose to be supportive I'm going to have to continuously answer questions.  This is a small town there's no where to escape. Personally, I am a very private person. I don't want to be the transsexual (assuming these people are respectful enough to use correct terminology is absurd) in the town. I must want to live my life, without being a freak or discussion topic.


Sorry for the language btw. I can get carried away in these post and don't like to preview. I would spend hours writing post if I proof read.

[StillAnonymous]

I know how you feel.  I don't want to be transgender either.  There's so much social stigma to it and I don't understand why I can't be happy with my biological gender from birth...  I wish it were that easy.

I thought I could suppress and reject it, but my mind was wondering so much throughout the day that I was going to fail if I continued.  I have to give myself a chance.  I have been a lot happier since beginning HRT and a lot more focused on achieving my goals.

Good luck!

[Leslie36369]

I know how you feel.  I don't want to be transgender either.  There's so much social stigma to it and I don't understand why I can't be happy with my biological gender from birth...  I wish it were that easy.

I thought I could suppress and reject it, but my mind was wondering so much throughout the day that I was going to fail if I continued.  I have to give myself a chance.  I have been a lot happier since beginning HRT and a lot more focused on achieving my goals.

Good luck!

Thank you, I just finished my first workout today towards feminizing myself. I always, even before I decided to transition, have went to the gym in the early early a.m. due to night shift. Tonight, I was late and caught the early crowd. I caught myself hiding my face to avoid anyone I may know. It is ridiculous having to be ashamed of who I am no matter the circumstance. Not ashamed rather scared to confront it head on.

I tried everything prior to this avoiding it, then embracing it, then avoiding it. I always think to myself (which I'm sure we all do) is why couldn't I had just born the way I feel. I wish I could start hormones now, if only to see if my mind would settle as yours has. I am just worried about the breast development. Have you had any (if you don't mind my asking) in the time you have been on HRT? If I had a little I guess I could excuse it as gyno from years of steroid abuse. I want to see facial and fat distribution changes before I develop breast to the extent it's iffy to take off my shirt.

I wish I could, however I just can not say for certain that I wont go back. I don't think I'll ever know pre hrt.

[RobynD]

My breast development was rapid. I was surprised because i started HRT at 49. I went from basically an A to a C in less than a year, even though i lost upper body mass and my band size decreased.

I don't believe i am typical though.

It did make me confront the fact that i know longer could be as androgynous looking as i had been for a couple of decades. Also it caused me to change gym locker rooms.