Hi, I'm new and I have questions about myself...

[Just_M]

Hi everyone, I'm from Argentina, just hoping I came to the right place...
I don't even know where to start, but seeing how supportive you are to each other makes me feel a little bit comfortable about talking about this with someone for the first time. I go to therapy and I have friends but I don't feel like I can discuss this with them, so here I go...
At birth, I was assigned a gender, which was Female. But for some reason I just don't feel being a woman fits me. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be a man. I've probably read a lot of scholar books about gender and sexuality (Butler, Preciado and so on...) and maybe that's how questions were born. But as a kid I've been rather masculine and I've always played the man in role-playing games and theatre plays. Maybe I'm not as masculine now, I guess education and family had something to do with that as well.
Also, in my head I always make up fictional stories where I am a man (mostly gay or pansexual, as me) and just do regular stuff, like work and having friends. Maybe it's a way to scape or cope with things, I don't know. It's just something I've done for my whole life.
I've also had an online friend with a man as a man myself, which lasted almost 5 years. I know it sounds creepy but I met him in a chat room for gay man and we built an interesting friendship, which at times felt it was more than that...
And this is also going to sound really stupid but I don't want to hold myself back. I've recently seen a couple of online videos of a cisgender man, an artist, Tim Minchin (look him up, he's great). And it's crazy but when I look at him not only I think he's hot but I also feel like that's the body I want to have. Or like Buck Angel (the actor) with more hair and no bottom surgery.
Am I crazy? Am I just talking non-sense? I mean, for all I know, as for looks, I'm quite pretty as woman. But I don't think that word or my looks really suits me (inspite of my few girly days). But I don't live in a quite friendly environment. And I'd probably hurt my family a lot if I even talked about this with them - ever. Things actually got quite nasty at a time I was dating a girl...
Okay, I don't want to write too much so you can read and reply. Please do? I really need your help, I'm pretty sad now.
Thank you for reading.

[FTMax]

Welcome!

Being trans is different for everyone, and transition looks different for everyone. It's good that you're in therapy, as a lot of people find that to be a helpful environment to work through their feelings in. Your experience sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways, and is completely valid.

You've definitely found a good place here! Read some threads, make your own, and participate! Talking to others and reading about everyone's experiences can be a good way to help figure things out.

[FtMitch]

Your experience sounds very similar to mine.  I have always had a somewhat guy-ish personality, but I was not particularly masculine in the way I looked for most of my life.  But whenever I had sexual fantasies I was always a man, I roleplayed men, I made up stories where I was the man, and I created and identified with characters that I now see were basically me (often crossdressing men).  I suffered a lot feeling as though I didn't fit the female mold, but I didn't really know that FTM transgender people existed, and I couldn't figure out WHY I was suffering so much.  I knew that I didn't feel like other women, but I figured all trans guys were uber butch their whole lives from when they were children.  I knew I wasn't a lesbian because I was UNABLE to fantasize about having a relationship with a woman with me in a female body, only as a man.  The same with men--it was always a gay relationship in my mind.  So yes, these things could mean you are trans.  Or not--I am sure some women have these experiences and are not trans.  The road is different for every person, so don't feel like you have to fit some certain mold.  That kind of thinking is what kept me living an unhappy life for the past decade instead of embracing who I am.

[Just_M]

WOW, FtMitch, thank you so much! Your words come as a surprise to me as I thought I was the only one that had ever had those fantasies... A couple of hours ago I was just thinking about dropping the whole thing because it's easier to stay the same and not change a bit. I mean, inertia plays a big role here, mostly because I'm not suffering, I don't hate my body. It's not how I want it to be, but I'm not brave enough to do anything to change it or to face the problems that may come with it. I think that, for now, I will try to embrace the idea that I don't have to fit a mold. One step at a time, right? Thank you again!!

[Peep]

I feel the fantasies thing C: When i came out to my mother she said 'that explains all the guys in your stories' >.> I'm so predictable haha. I've always struggled to associate with real or fictional girls, having to be "the girl" always felt like second place for me, and i didn't know why... because I don't hate women??? I kept trying to make myself fantasies about being female but couldn't do it. It felt like making clothes for someone else whereas masculine fantasies and characters were very natural.

I vary from identifying as male male male, to sometimes more like non-binary trans masculine, mostly in social ways. I think as long as you know what things you want the actual label doesn't matter. If you're not happy with your body, there are things you can do to experiment that don't have the permanence of surgery or HRT - it's possible to build a bit of muscle without T, you can change the way you dress, try going stereotypically hyper-masculine in your clothing and see how it feels, and work your way back again. I've been watching a lot of ftm and non binary guys on youtube and every one of them is very different. When you think about it cis people are all really different too.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We all feel isolated at first because this is pretty rare but you will find the people here friendly and helpful.. I suspect you will feel more kinship with the guys and most of the time you will find them in the FTM areas. You are welcome to explore the other parts of the site and post anywhere you feel comfortable. As you are early in exploring yourself, I am providing you with two links. The first is our Wiki where you can read more about what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where a therapist will guide you through exploring your feelings. I am MTF but feel free to ask me questions if you think I can help you.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Just_M]

Hi Dema and other administrators Sorry to bother you, but I'm trying to read more threads but it seems I don't have permission. Is that because I'm new or there is something wrong with my profile?

[Mariah]

Hi Just_M, welcome to Susan's. sorry that your sad. Some areas require 15 posts to view, but most areas you can view right out of the gate. Then we have areas for donators and subscribers to use. So on the most part very little of the forums are hidden from your view. 15 posts is what the magic number is. Don't worry you will get there soon. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, it's what we are hear for. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[AussieSteph]

Hi and welcome

Glad you've started to post. I'm a bit new too and I've found being here really helpful, even just reading other people's stories. I know what it feels like to question and second guess yourself so much. I repressed my feelings because I thought there was only one way to be trans and I didn't fit to my imagined idea of the perfect woman. After being here I've realised there are so many different shades. I'd just start slow, make little changes, see what feels right. Maybe just buy a few guy clothes and see how you feel wearing them. Don't worry about family right away, if you overthink things you'll end up stuck in one place (believe me, I did, and I didn't handle it well).

[Dena]

If a thread is visible, you should be able to read and post to it as long as your logon is valid. On one computer, I have selected the logon never to time out because it's under my total control. My laptop is set to timeout because it could be out of my control. From time to time we need to lock threads and you will not be able to post to a locked thread but you should still be able to view it. Threads that appear in somebodies profile may not be viewable to you if you don't have the same permission of the profile. I often work with threads in the moderator area that are not viewable to the normal user.

If this fails to explain why you can't view a thread, let us know the thread and where it's located by posting it to this thread and we will take a look at it. Once in a while, things do get a little strange but for the most part, the board software is pretty stable.