I don't want this to end up being very long, but it's something that has stressed me out for a long time.
Basically, I came out 11 months ago to a family friend and to my mother, though I've known I was trans since long before then. I've gone by a nickname for a long time since I didn't feel ready to jump right into being a man, and it seemed more logical, but as time has passed I've come to hate the nickname... It's been used to mock me, and I feel like it's something I want to leave in the past of my transition. My mother refuses to call me anything but my birthname and that nickname, though I've finally come up with a name that seemed to "click" immediately...
The past few weeks I've had a vicious virus, and I've been borderline bedridden (hence my absence from the forum) so I've had a lot of time to think over things. I've been sleeping a lot and I've been having strange, almost cryptic dreams where I'm living another life. In the first one, I'm surrounded by pink silk that flows around me, and there's a bright light. A woman in a hijab comes from it, with a cap and a cloak. She puts the cap and cloak on me, and says,
"You're a man now, Adnan."
I keep having these dreams where I'm Adnan, going through his life, through raising children and other milestones. Then I realised, maybe Adnan is me? Adnan is very close to my birthname and I love the meaning. Should I take this as a sign and take that name? It just feels right.
I actually got my deed poll papers a few weeks ago, though I don't have permission from my mother to use them unless I take a gender neutral name or the nickname which I despise. I've spoken with her for a while about names, and she's only reacted positively once... How should I bring this up? I'm worried that she'll react negatively, for one because the name is new, and also because it's specifically masculine. I wouldn't use it formally until I've graduated my current school (I plan to go by a nickname or middle name for school once I come out officially). I also worry she won't like the fact that I found the name through a dream. I hate to make a fuss, and for some reason I was worried to even post this here.
Any suggestions?
