Why did I decide I was transgendered?

[Emily Rose]

Ok everyone. Now this has puzzled me for a while until today that is, and yes we've all been through it and as part of my learning about the new me I would like to ask you the question of why you eventually decided that you were transgender?

To be honest, since Christmas I've not had a good time, I've had a build up of emotions and found myself questioning is this me? That is until unfortunately today I had to attend my sisters funeral. Before this,  I had thought is it just stress? Do I really hate my body? Do I love my wife? And why am I thinking like this?

My sister was just 4 years older than I am, but it was just today as I was stood in frog of the coffin I had a moment of pure clarity and that I realised I shouldn't be questioning myself, or how I feel but instead think this is my life, and life is short so no matter who or what I am, I should be happy and enjoy who I want to be.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! So sorry to hear about your sister.

It wasn't really a decision for me, more of a realization that I was a whited Irished transgendered person.  Sorry, I had to go there! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Emily Rose]

I suppose everything is different for everyone. But thanks Devlyn

[Jacqueline]

Emily Rose,

So sorry for your loss.

I think many of us go through those fluctuations. I am glad to hear that it may be calming for you. I hope your journey smooths out.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Deborah]

I didn't decide it.  I just knew that's what I was.  I didn't know the word for it in the beginning but the first time I discovered the word when I was about 15 I knew.  I didn't see a solution then and figured I would just have to live with it.  I did confuse myself over time reading various internet theories, but I never wavered from this knowledge of self.  Being trans never really bothered me at all either, although the dysphoria was really bad at times.  The only thing that bothered me a lot was not seeing a viable path to transition a lot earlier.  There were lots of reasons for that but mostly it was fear.


Sapere Aude

[stephaniec]

for me I became aware at 4 , but didn't understand. It just became an incredible undercurrent throughout my  life that I couldn't ignore.

[Emileeeee]

I always knew, I just didn't admit it to myself until recently. The time before realizing I wasn't alone and the time I admitted myself is about 20 years. During that time I did everything in my power to convince myself that I made it all up. Prior to that time I prayed to be fixed every night. Now I'm full-time, so it all turned out to be a waste.

[KathyLauren]

Like many others, I always kind of knew but didn't admit it to myself for the longest time.  It was really only after I joined here at Susan's that I started to own the label and admit that it applied to me.

[suzifrommd]

I would like to ask you the question of why you eventually decided that you were transgender?

I've always liked books/movies/music intended for women. I've always secretly wished I could have been born female, with a female body. Friendships with males were not satisfying.

It was loneliness and the difficulties making friends that drove me to wonder why I can't make friends with men. I began putting the puzzle pieces together, and it became obvious.

[Mariah]

Emily Rose, Sorry for your loss. For me it was easy. My being intersexed was really a big tip off that I need to do something with my gender considering how I felt and knew i was. Hugs
Mariah

[Emily Rose]

In a way I've  always known I was transgender. But I know that my sister had had a lot on her mind over the last 10 years or so and It got her feeling down. After realising that. I've decided that life is too short and I'm going to be happy and if transgender is the way, then so be it. [emoji57]

[autumn08]

I'm very sorry for all of the pain you are recently experiencing. Hopefully your revelation portends a much more auspicious future.

To answer your question, the way I accepted that I am transgender was by; 1) defining being transgender as desiring to be the opposite sex, which is a desire I could never deny as existing, and 2) accepting that I will never cease having this desire. After the second step, I no longer felt indulgent for wanting to be female, so my internalized transphobia dissipated, and now I manage my gender dysphoria by working towards the conditions necessary for me to transition.

[Asche]

In my case, it was a journey.

Up until 2+ years ago, I'd always thought of myself as a failed man, or, later on, as a gender non-conforming man.  I was a guy because of what was hanging from my crotch, but my connection with my "fellow" men ended there.  I didn't think like them, I had no interest in what men seemed to be interested in, when I interacted with men, they seemed like an alien species that I had had to consciously learn to interact with.  Whenever discussions of women's experiences came up, I found myself identifying with the women, not the men.  I was a hardcore, even radical feminist long before I knew the word "feminist."  And the way I felt and responded around sex was a lot more like what they say about how women see sex than men.

When I got divorced, 10+ years ago, I swore I'd stop trying to be what I wasn't and instead try to find out who I was underneath all that ****.  I started wearing skirts and hung around in (on-line) men-in-skirts groups.  But in contrast to all the men who were intent on proving their masculinity (despite wearing a skirt), my urges led me to present more and more "femme."

Then I read Zinnia Jones' blog post "That was Dysphoria?" and went, "that sounds a lot like me."

That led me to Susan's, and over the next six months or so, I realized that seeing myself as trans allowed me to make sense of most of what I hadn't figured out about myself.  And then I started considering transition, and when I did, I realized that I was going to transition (that is, that is where my life and whatever it is that guides it was taking me), so I might as well make the best of it.  You know, it was like the "me" that isn't my conscious mind but is what really runs things said, "we can do things the easy way -- or we can do things the hard way.  Which is it going to be?"   Me, I'm lazy.  I'll always opt for the easy way.

I suppose I could try to "decide" that I wasn't trans.  But it would be like "deciding" that I'm 5 foot 2 and have hair down to my butt.

There's been a lot of pain in my life.  But accepting that I'm trans and going forward to live in a way that better fits who I now know myself to be hasn't been painful at all.  Scary, yes.  Complicated and a pain in the you-know-what, yes.  But the further I go, the less I feel like I'm being torn apart and shredded.  And that, to me, has been the firmest proof of all.