Well to be honest I don't know who I am outside my marriage anymore. Me and my wife met and was together from that she was 16 and 18. My whole being was entwined in this marriage. The person that I thought I was and now I am lost! That person is lost and I have to rediscover who I am. Not only do I have to work through hard and harsh feelings of losing my marriage. I also have to find the real me.
I can't force someone to be with me because I fear of losing the person that used to be. I made sort of progress today in all my hurt. I am no longer held in walls of a marriage. But now I have to discover who I am and learn to love and fall in love with that person. What do I want? I must ask myself who am I without her.
I don't know I know I identify as a woman because I am trans and I am a parent but the rest I don't know!
Somewhere I must start healing and this is not by telling her that she is a piece of crap for what she did. That is not me that is anger! That is hate speaking but deep down love.
As I was sitting here today crying grieving and missing my past the best that I can take away from it is acknowledging that it was real I can't dismiss that. But also taking a opportunity to learn from love. To learn that my relationship was build on a weak foundation from the beginning and I went into a marriage hoping that love will conquer all that it will cure me. I don't regret my marriage I don't regret my popsicle this may be my only biological child.
I must face that I am getting divorced it is not a bad dream this is happening a person rejected me because I dared to be trans.
So what can I do except allow myself to hurt allow myself to cry because that is when you truly let go of hate in the end and move on eventually even if it takes longer than the route my wife is taking. Put on the tuff guy act and I don't cry is that really moving on? Then you end up lashing out with hate at the end and taking that anger into your next relationship because you tried to skip the grieving process. She calls me weak I think it is necessary.
I end up lashing out and being destructive like yesterday because of anger and hate. The first step I guess will be letting go of hopes and dreams that I had with this person my hopes and dreams of having a wonderful marriage that was amazing so amazing that it will cure me of dysphoria and that I longed to be a woman. That is not realistic! but it was one of my dreams. Growing old with a person and only having one love in my life and slept with one person in my life. Then having children with this person and not putting them through divorce. I must let go of all this hopes and dreams. It hurts but if I don't I can't move on and will always be held prisoner in them.
If I can't let go of those hopes and dreams I won't be able to let go of her and the anger.
Then I have to let go of never holding her again the idea of her having sex with other people having someone else while my dreams and her's was one person one life forever together. Now I have to move on and find someone else that don't even know what my favourite movie is.
Not only am I grieving the loss of the marriage I am grieving the loss of my male self that was part of the marriage. I am trying to let go but that takes time and it is hard. The liberating moment was really knowing that I have to move on. That this is the best for me because staying with someone who is filled with resentment and hate because you want to be a good parent it does not work. I was trying to force her to stay.
Her hate is driving her now I know she is hurting but putting on the tuff guy act and I want too show you how much better my life is without you by partying and things. But that is only a mask one day she will wake up when the excitement of her new found freedom wore of and she will cry. She will feel it because now the grass looks greener on the other side all men looks better and I do not represent the whole population of men.
What I represented was a good husband I never drank, I don't smoke, I never came home late,I never was in a club in my life! I don't do drugs.I sometimes neglected my duties like cleaning or whatever but that does not make me a bad husband. I cooked and did the dishes most of the time. I was what she wanted me to be! She also fell in love with my potential what I could achieve in life and I achieved a lot and lost a lot.
My only flaw was that I was trans but the attributes of my personality that she liked was my female attributes.
She told me she did not sign up to marry a trans person. But at the end she was one of the persons that forced me to be trans the more I tried to shake it of and forget about it the more it was pushed on me. I eventually broke I did not want to be trans and especially not divorce because I am trans.
I want to know what I really did to end my marriage because I am blamed for the destruction of it. I don't want to take that into my next relationship. Well I was emotionally abusive according to her to get what I wanted. If that is a real problem how can wanting to buy something with my own money be emotional abuse? Then according to I can't take responsibility for my actions because I chose to be trans I deserve to be divorced.
The last two weeks from that I moved out was sort of a gut check of who I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to be for my wife or my child who I want to be for myself.I struggle with this because I keep defaulting to wanting to stay her husband wanting to stay the father wanting to stay in a marriage. For the first time I don't have the shield of being a wife's husband and I have to stand my own. The truth is I didn't love the man I was she loved him. I didn't love the choices I made a lot of them was also more her choices and what she wanted. The thing is starting to love the real person I am,the woman I am is first priority! Because, at the end of the day, we spend every moment of our lives with one person: ourselves.
The thing is love turned into a problem in my life not a solution. It put me of course from who I wanted to be and on a course of who someone else wanted me to be for her. Then our child.
The objective should not be finding any love, but rather, the objective should be to live fully and only allowing love in when it surpasses your expectations. I know now that my eccentricities are not just traits for someone to "put up with," but are rather divine characteristics for the right someone.
Great love is possible, but you've got to demand the "great" in all areas of your life, and let the love part work itself out.
