my partner cries all the time, say should I fall on my sword?

[mickey.megan]

my partner and I have been doing a dance for a while now, where I deny I'm transgender, and she doesn't believe me. The few times I've tried to come out, she says she "has to go and I've ruined her life and she has nothing" which freaks me out so bad that I beg, literally on my knees that I am wrong and I will fix everything. Then she stays but our trust is bad, and there is hurt and anger.

I have been seeing a psychologist (who deals in transgender issues) who knows what is going on, understands the pain I'm in, she is in, and their advice is to let things evolve slowly, don't push, but let this situation work its way through. They said there is no path but eventually the answers will appear. and there are no good answers so far really all lead to costs.

They also made me understand I can't own her emotions and the guilt she puts on me is hers not mine.  but I have my own guilt, which is the failure of being her man and the failure of being a dad to my kids.

AND I get what they are telling me, but I'm sick of the charade. and scared to death to end it too. I like to use the diving board analogy where I can't jump. I'm stuck, frozen.

so my wife wakes up every night in the middle of the night, upset and angry and wanting to talk and I can't tell her, because I don't want to lose here. she says I'm a liar, and I tell her I lied because I am protecting her from pain and hurt. I tell her its me and I love her deeply and I don't want to lose here and that I want to be with her. and I lie to protect her and myself and our future

I think she wants me to say it. To really say I'm transgender and this is real, but I'm scared to do it.

Do I owe it to her to just say it and take the bullet, fall on the sword?

[Laura_7]

One option would be to tell and to say to take it slowly and together.
Usually a few reversible changes to hair and clothing styles are tried, to see how they make people feel.
Then hrt on a lwo dose might be tried.

Its a step by step process. She might be part of it and get used to it. You might support each other, she you in your transition and you her in staying together.

Here are some resources to help them understand:
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour...


hugs

[Dena]

 The biggest problem I have seen in relationships is the failure to communicate. Either partner not telling the whole true as they know it extends the process and the pain out. It also results in even more pain when it comes out because one partners is believed to have been lying by withholding the truth. If you must, take your wife with you to your therapist and have an open discussion getting all the truth out. If a good outcome is possible, you will have a better shot at it sooner than latter.

[AnonyMs]

I agree with Dena.

I don't know if this is universal, but in my experience these trans feeling only get worse with time, and its only a matter of time until you crack. There's plenty of suffering to be had between now and then, with the addition of having lied in between.

I told my wife within a week of realizing, and had some rocky times. It helped a lot going to see the psych together, which she had resisted for a long time. I've no idea what was said, but it made a big change. I've not socially transitioned yet, so it remains to be seen what will happen if and when I do.

My feeling is that it might not work out if you disclose it now, but its the best chance you'll ever have.

[Beth Andrea]

As I read your post...you know you are trans, but are afraid to tell your partner for fear of losing her?

Write a short note to her, saying just that. But also recognize that she has the right to choose whether to stay or to go. It's her choice, without any pressure from you, because that is what a healthy relationship requires: the freedom to be herself (and yourself).

Yes, there may be consequences. Accept the possibility of her leaving. That is difficult, I know...but again, a healthy relationship demands it.

You will survive either way.

*hugs*

[KathyLauren]

You know you are trans.  She knows you are trans.  By claiming you are not, you are not being honest.  I don't believe that not being honest is healthy for a relationship.

Once you drop the T-bomb, you can't get it back.  The only way is forward, wherever that takes you.

[Marienz]

Hi
I hope it works out for you both.... From my experience it's best to be completely honest. With that there are consequences but there is almost a massive chance once it's out in the open you could work through it:)
It's harder as the SO when honesty comes in little bits over time, the pain then just rolls on for weeks, a bit like a roller coaster.
Definetly be honest with yourself to.
I agree with all the comment so far:)
Your partner is crying because she is in so much pain, I remember that feeling.
Honesty and clear loving communication is the key:)

I wish I had of taken my own advice back in November.

Good luck:)


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[Emjay]

Do I owe it to her to just say it and take the bullet, fall on the sword?

You also need to decide if you owe it to *you* to "fall on the sword", and if you're prepared for whatever consequences may come.  As Kathy said:  Once the T-bomb is dropped, there isn't any taking it back.

I'm not trying to sound insensitive and you absolutely should take into consideration your wifes' well being, you are married and in this together after all.  Ultimately though, this is your life you're talking about.

With that out of the way, I agree with everyone else here that you do need to be honest with her and that sooner would be better than later.  She knows something is up and from reading your post, she has a good idea what that is. 

I know, for me anyway, if there is something going on and I don't know the whole story my mind will gladly fill in the blanks for me (usually in the most outlandish of ways) and will arrive at a place very far from the truth.

I hope for nothing but the best for you both and I'm so sorry for the pain your family is feeling right now. 

[Emileeeee]

I agree with Dena too. My wife and I have very open communications since I came out to her, but she does still hold back a little on some topics. I found that taking her to the therapist with me was helpful. Even though I was sitting in the same room with her, she told him a lot more than she told me. I think she's afraid that I would get mad or not understand her side of things and the therapist is a neutral interested third party.

[JoanneB]

Face it, your wife, yourself, both think you are trans. She had it mostly confirmed when you dropped the T-Bomb on her. You had it mostly confirmed when you knew you needed to at least hint (if not actually) dropping the T-Bomb.

The only Open Question is "Now What?"

Her world was torn inside out in an instant. Yours, slowly like picking at a scab. Always itching, always itching, feels better when you do it. Feels worse when the deed is done. You came out to yourself about "Yes, I am TG somewhere on the spectrum". You came out to her, whose likely only real knowledge base till then was Jerry Springer.

She has a thousand questions. Many the same as the ones you've been asking yourself. I'd guess that at this point in time you have no clear vision, no "I absolutely need to do this" path forward. Which is perfectly OK.

What is not the best course is not telling her so. Worse, is not telling her you feel absolutely that you Need to transition. The sooner the better. Far from optimum is not keeping the line of communication open.

I know how difficult that is. I was, somewhat still am, a recluse. THE hardest part of coming out to my wife, dropping the T-Bomb, was also knowing the ONLY way our marriage stood ANY chance of surviving in the near term was rapidly becoming a LOT more forthcoming and having those always way too difficult open and honest discussions.

Early on in the process my wife posed a hypothetical question to me during th runup to one of the super mega million dollar lotteries. "What if...?" Would I instantly chuck it all and go for the gold ring? Or....

While I am a bit more sure today then I was 6 years ago, the facts are still the same. I haven't (much) of a clue what it's like to really live as a woman. Until I really try it out I am not jumping into the deep end of the pool. We both see more and more as I grow and learn more what it is like to blossom, to be the real me, what path I am likely to choose. Still....

Communication and Actions. There are no Do-Overs. You cannot un-tell your wife about "maybe" being TG. That ship sailed. It is OK NOT to know much, not to know for sure what you feel, what you need. It's OK that those things change. She does need to know, as your life partner, BFF, and the person you love and should trust more then anyone else in the world, what is rattling around in your head keeping you awake most nights

[stephaniec]

total honestly is really your only freedom

[RobynD]

I agree with the above. If you can't live authentically, they you cannot really live. What is a left then is an uncomfortable limbo, which if you recall your Dante, is also the first level of hell.

This doesn't mean you have to transition but you have to be honest with her on the choices you make and why, because i believe that is where intimacy comes from. Otherwise couples are just playing parts on the stage of life.

There are many options it is not an on/off thing but it all begins with honesty.

[Laura_7]

My wife asked me that question during a recent lottery, my answer was, of course I'd stay with you (as your man) and we'd have a great life. Meanwhile in the back of my head was a voice saying, "wow, you could afford to completely transition, FFS, SRS, clothes, legal, name changes, all of it, you wouldn't have to work, and your family would be supported and safe." *Sigh*

To share some more, my wife and I were talking the other day and she says to me "you have never liked the look of this type of woman, if I was like that you would be unhappy and leave me, In this sense you being a woman, or transitioning to be a woman is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't like it"

It was a slap in the face for me, and sobered me up. A final realization that, divorce is the only option if I want to do this. Then I start thinking about telling my brother and imaging him saying "ummm ...ok, are you @#% nuts?" ,  then I look in the mirror and I see an ugly guy that can't possibly ever pass, then I think about work, and then I think about my kids, and then I'm deeply sad as I realize maybe the "means doesn't justify the ends"  Then I recall back to a "Greys anatomy" episode where the show narrator says "Anyone can have anything if they are willing to give up everything else"

so the price tag is high, really high. I'm not sure I can pay it. So I stand on the diving board, looking down at the water 15 meters below and I'm frozen, I can' t move forward (yet), I'd love to be pushed but that is not going to happen, but maybe climbing down is an option.

*sigh*

And the thing that really makes me angry is that when I was a kid, in the town I grew up in, there was NO concept of trans-gender/transsexual. There was male, female, gay(they used a much harsher word for this), or lesbian. and gay was literally a deeply shameful/beating offense.  so I did all this oddball stuff, was considered werid, odd, not a guy but something less and I tried to fit in and not get beat up. meanwhile exploring things and not understanding what it meant, other than being possibly gay but not being attracted to guys. So drinking is what I did as a teenager, taking from my alcoholic moms cabinet, and at school I hid for 4 years. after high school I knew I had to get out of there, didn't know why, so I signed up for the military to "man myself up" and fix me being weak. so did that, then went to college, all the while still doing weird things, wrecking relationships with any woman I was with and so on so forth and not really understanding, other than "I'm depressed" and "I have anxiety" and doctors prescribing me pills to fit it.

I need my weekly session with my physiologist, to help me unravel me.  sorry for the rant, but that's where I'm at with my marriage.

I'll be posting less of these soft of threads from here out, (so I think). I pretty much know where the cards lay at this point.

Well it will be a slow transition so she might accept it.
Its also possible there is a breakup.

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections.
There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. (they are off the market now).
So its not a whim ... its likely not a phase...  and its nobodys fault ... neither an upbringing or whatever...

I'd say don't look at the past, look forwards.
There was much less info to come by on transgender people, and sentiment was much different.
I'd say use what is possible now... there are support groups, lgbt centers, vids and other info ...
and be happy about the possibilities, like hormones...


hugs