They "Love" And/Or "Respect" You But Never Agree With You

[Tristyn]

Does anyone have loved ones, friends, family, associates, contacts or whatever who you come out to as trans and its like they try to be supportive at least by admitting that they respect or love you, yet they do not agree with your gender expression?

I had a rather colorful conversation over the phone with my step mama today, who, other than my dad, called me to wish me a happy b-day this morning. I was really happy to hear the support coming from her, in regards to my gender identity. She even called me what I wanted right after correcting herself from calling me by my assigned name. She really uplifted me by encouraging me to do me and be me no matter what, because at the end of the day, people will say and think whatever it is they want and I have no control over other people's thoughts, feelings and actions. This is the stuff I 100% agreed with her on until I began to explain to her some trans 101, just enough to the point where she slipped in an "I may not agree with you or everything you do...but," as if to kinda cover it up and then sequentially make up for it with a "but." So she told me she respects me because I am a human like everyone else and because I am "daring to be different.." To which I replied that I am not daring to be anything. When will cis folks ever understand that gender identity is never a choice? >.>

So, should I just distance myself from her also? She at least sounds supportive compared to some other people I know. Thing is, when she is around my dad, she will address me as female because she doesn't want to jeopardize her marriage. I honestly think in a way she is right to do that, yet its so damn selfish. I wanted to ask her that if she respects me as a person so much, why was she addressing me as female even after I asked her not to and explained that I am a man in a woman's body?

I just don't know what to even make of this, to be honest. What do you guys think?

I have a sister who flat out told me she loves me but that I am a woman and not a man and that she does not accept me as trans and does not support it. She said, because God doesn't make mistakes. So she basically just called me a mistake. I haven't talked to her ever since, like in almost two years. I can deal with what my step mama said. But that woman who is supposed to be my sister will have nothing to do with me until she accepts me for who and what I am gender and all. I refuse to associate myself with someone who calls me a mistake.

I have a brother whom I do not speak to but had a wonderful relationship with, or so I thought. But he kept addressing me as female for months after coming out. Like, what the hell, dude? And yet he seems supportive. However, is it really supportive or even respectful to keep calling someone something that they're not?>.>

[Elis]

Hi again

I had a similar thing happen to me. When I came out to my dad (who I live with) he said he'd be supportive yet constantly misgendered me and acted uncomfortable whenever I mentioned LGBT stuff and said some really hurtful things about me. A few months ago I sent him a text saying how misgendering makes me feel and my dad is now  getting better very slowly. But I doubt he'll ever apologise or ever fully accept me until I look cis normative.
I think it just takes a long time for people to get it. They don't live with a condition that affects every aspect of there lives and can be triggered by what many people consider to be inconsequential. Im not saying this justifies your step moms or sisters actions. I mean i had to educate myself over two years and was ridiculously ignorant on LGBT stuff. Maybe sending a similar text to your step mom would help?
I'm not sure if my brother will ever come around (who I also live with). He misgenders me, then it seems like we're starting to get along and then we drift apart again. I suspect he's like my dad in that I have to look like a 'normal' man, whatever that is.
So in all I'd be patient and just carry on doing my own thing. You're coping remarkably well despite your situation. Soon you'll be on T and then you can show them the real handsome man that you are

Oh by the way, happy birthday 

[janetcgtv]

King Phoenix:

Please don't throw out your relationships.
Remember it is all new to them. Give them time.
They talk to you and say they care for you.

Please remember they could have thrown you out of their lives, which has happened to too many of us. Which one is one too many.

Take care,

Janet

[FTMax]

I think you've got to play it by ear. You know the people in your life the best - are they the kind of people who adapt to change well? Do they have empathy? Do they make an effort to understand people who are different from them? If they are, it's worth continuing that relationship even though it may be frustrating at times. If they aren't, I think it's best to let them go early on.

As an example, my dad and stepmom are both very conservative Christians. I dreaded coming out to them and it was a big part of the reason that I didn't come out for several years. When I finally told them, they said it was fine, and that it was new to them and that they would need help figuring things out, but that they were 100% on board. To this day they still struggle with pronouns, but I don't mind because I know that they are trying.

I've also experienced the opposite. This is a Facebook message from the week before Thanksgiving in 2014, from my aunt and uncle:

"Hey [birth name] just wanted to send you a quick note. First I wanted you to know that we love you and you are always welcome at our home. While we don't support your decision its not for us to make, all we want is for you to be happy, so if this decision makes you happy then we support your right to happiness. Like I said in the beginning we love you and we hope to see you, your mom, and the whole family Saturday for thanksgiving dinner. Love you."

I had been out for a few months at that point. That message came after my mom had asked about Thanksgiving plans, and referred to me as Max. Knowing my aunt and uncle as I do and seeing that they were not even attempting to use the correct name with me, I decided to cut them off. I'm from a very small town where change makes people really uncomfortable and unfortunately my aunt and uncle embody the values of that town. To me, it was incredibly unlikely that they would ever make an effort to treat me with respect and it was better to do without the frustration.

It sounds to me like your stepmom is supportive of you in her own way. She may not feel comfortable being more supportive due to her relationship with your father. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and let her still be a part of your life.

[Tristyn]

Hey everyone and thank you for your replies.

Looking in retrospect, I think I misunderstood my step mom's intentions and words, assumed incorrectly (a seriously bad habit of mine) and jumped swiftly to a faulty conclusion. My step mom never actually said she disagrees with me being transgender like I thought at first. She was saying "things that I do in general." But she was not talking about is specifically. However, maybe I am being very picky and choosy here, but I still dislike the evasiveness I get from those close to me whenever the topic of my gender comes up. Like, no one, not even her and my bro can ever be straightforward and up front with me about it.

I think that is what bothers me. I think you are all right though. I need to give the people a chance who are wanting to be a part of my life.....I kinda feel like a jerk, but at the same time I want to have dignity for myself for once in my life, you know? For once I feel liberated from the limitations of my assigned gender because I am simply "being and respecting myself." But at the same time, I feel so guilty for distancing myself from people who really do care about me but do not know how to approach me and feel awkward doing so, I think.

[stephaniec]

I think she's reaching out to you in her own way. It's hard for people to wrap their head around this subject.

[Tristyn]

I agree with you, Stephanie.

That's why I've tried to even recommend books. But this suggestion always falls on deaf ears and makes me wonder if they really care about me as much as I think they do.

I became so distraught from how dreary my day was at dialysis yesterday and this misunderstanding I had with my step mama, that I messaged my therapist (who never returns any of my emails, texts and phone calls anyways) and my psyche home health nurse. My nurse suggested to have a family meeting where they could be educated on LGBT subjects like this. But I told her that my family doesn't even want to listen to what I have to say. You can't teach people anything if they don't want to even learn it. I don't want to have anything to even do with them. I just wish they'd stop trying to change me into something I am not and leave me alone if they can't accept me as the real me.

[stephaniec]

sorry your having such a hard time. I haven't talked to my sisters in over 25 years. I have a niece that contacted me a couple of years ago and things were fine until last year when I told her I was trans and she stopped talking to me. Then out of the blue a couple of weeks ago she contacted me on my Facebook page where I'm out and said she was rooting for me. So I have one person on my side. I really have no one else except the Susan family.

[Tristyn]

25 years is a lifetime to be distanced from a sister. I have no idea what that is like, since you've been living much longer than I have and therefore, have far more life experience than me. But I can only imagine how painful that gets.

I am sorry for all of us who have to put up with the lack of support from people who we thought really had our best interest at heart. I feel like you'll know who your real friends are once you decide to come out of the closet.

I'm with you, Stephanie. Susan's is all I got....and my dad's dog.

[RobynD]

The old "god doesn't make mistakes" thing is silly and worn out. It is just their way of saying they are uncomfortable with a changing society, particularly when it means one of their loved ones.

You do have to give people a chance to catch up and i think that is a kind way to look at it. Catch up they must though, to retain any sort of meaningful place in your life.

[Tristyn]

I'm actually not caring anymore whether they want to be a part of my life or not because everything is pointless and has no meaning in my perspective.