My story starts out pretty much like everbody else's I would imagine. I can remember being different as young as 4 or 5 years old. I didn't enjoy playing with the boys, I envied the girls for the fun things they got to do, things were just not right. As I got older things became even more difficult. I started school and I was always teased for not being as macho as the other boys. Through out elementary and middle school, I remember forcing myself to try boy things like sports, and hunting with my dad, and anything I else I could do to be more boy. I never took. I would inevitably under perform and get bored with it, always being more interested in playing with the girls and hanging out with them. I specifically avoided friends throughout my childhood because I didn't want them to know I was different.
When I got into high school things got really difficult. All the guys in school were quite macho and athletic, and they all had only two things on there mind, girls and sex. I tried to follow suit so I wouldn't stand out, but I always ended up being friend instead of boyfriend with the girls. I was never attracted to the other guys, I just wasn't interested in sex with the girls. I would rather hang out with them, I was able to identify with them better it seemed. I remember it was in the 9th grade on Halloween, that I had my first opportunity to dress like a girl in public. I felt so right. How could this be? Other boys in school would dress like girls for Halloween, but they always seemed awkward and out of place. When I did this, I had to act awkward and out of place. If I didn't, people might know that I enjoyed this too much. After this I started dressing as often I could. Mostly, I would wear my sister's or my mom's clothes. (I didn't have a job or anyway to buy my own) There was rarely a time when I was home alone that I didn't get dressed up. Clothes, makeup, the works. I even tried to grow my hair out, but I caught too much opposition from my parents and had to get it cut.
I even met a girl through my sister and eventually married her. I basically did this because I was told that's what I supposed to do. I tried to be a perfect straight husband and eventually a perfect straight father, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I started wearing my wife's clothes and makeup, and then eventually decided I should tell her about. The stuff really hit the fan! She made me swear to never do it again, which of course I tried to do and failed. She then used my gender gift as an excuse to go out and find a "real man" and left and took my daughter with her.
I was devastated and then I met someone who said she was fine with crossdressing, and even participated for quite a while. She then grew tired of it and I was starting to waiver on what I wanted, and that ended too. A couple of years later I find myself married again. This time I am married to someone who also says she has no problem with it "just as long as I don't make any permanent changes." My problem is I don't know what I want either. I was very content with just crossdressing for a while, but there was always this looming question in my head, "Where am I going with this?" I still don't exactly know the answer to that question, but I know I don't like where I am. I try to talk to god about the subject, and every time I do, the urges get stronger, and doors to dress open up. However, according to the church gender variance isn't acceptable. So I am really struggling with this question. Who/what am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be male(father/husband/son), or am I supposed to give all that up and be female(whole/comfortable/at peace)? I really wish somebody could answer this question for me.
