FTM Getting Outed At College

[justanothertranboy]

Sorry this is a lot of writing.

But yikes.

I am finding college really difficult at the moment and I have no idea how to approach it. I am 17 (almost 18) and am 9 months on Testosterone so I pass 100%, am masculine presenting and have a deep voice. Now I have had four incidents, the most recent two happening little less than a week apart from each other, and it is really knocking my confidence as more and more people are finding out that I am trans (without it being on my terms).

Incident One

An ex-friend (let's call him J) of my friend (going with V for him), V also being a trans guy, was shown a picture of 14 year old me in confidence. It is a good laugh of a picture because to be honest it is hysterical when you look at the difference between the original me and the me of today. But only if it is me sharing it in confidence. Alas, on starting college J found the photo on my old school's site and started showing people with the grand tagline, "You wouldn't believe it's a girl." Fortunately, a friend of V's spotted him doing it and recognised me in V's facebook pictures from the summer. V let me know and I told my tutor who had J disciplined for his actions. Turns out J had been outing V to people during the summer as well.

I assumed that that would be the one and only incident.

Incident Two

After I had been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months I had asked him about how he had found out about me being trans prior to me telling him. He hesitated but eventually admitted that a trans guy (L) I had been friends with had outed me to him after he'd inquired about whether or not I was gay. L had replied, "You wouldn't be interested, he's transgender." It stuck with me for a while and I was really upset since L was trans himself. My boyfriend further admitted that - he had only found out recently - L had also outed me to all of my friends who I was stealth with as well as L's friends and strangers alike.

I haven't bothered to report it because I feel like I will be whining and he may be excused since he is openly trans in the college but L still hasn't stopped. I have further learnt that he had a huge crush on me around the time my boyfriend first met me and in addition to this L told one of my friends that he is jealous that I pass which that is why he wants people to know that I am trans.

Incident Three

Now this has been one of the more recent ones, occurring last Friday. Someone who was supposedly my friend (referring to her as A) told several individuals about me being trans. A had only known since she was in the sexual health clinic while I was dealing with a slight pregnancy scare (mixed up results) and she had caught on via listening into the conversation I had had with my boyfriend. Now two of these individuals (K and C) are the kinds of girls who love some interesting news and on hearing something like this see it as some grand opportunity to make their way up the gossip queen "look at what I have found out" ladder. So I have C and K not only telling as many as people as possible but also getting all up in my business and making things uncomfortable.

Not long after finding out they approached my boyfriend on the bus and just announced that they knew I was trans. C did most of the talking, following up their discovery with a charming, "I can't believe it... I thought he was hot." My boyfriend tried his best to remain disengaged, wanting to calm down before challenging her logic, but had to deal with K on his opposing side who was flirting with him, rather maliciously, as they declared him heterosexual and as new bait for themselves (I am not going to lie, we aren't unattractive people - might not be the epitome of societies physical expectations but it is no surprise they would try to take their opportunity to jump on him).

It was pretty dehumanising for us and it has actually been me to request my boyfriend holds off from approaching any of them following the incident; he isn't particularly bothered about how he feels it is just knowing how it is upsetting me which is frustrating him.

Again, this is difficult to address. My boyfriend is taking this on himself and I don't want to be that whiny kid who gets upset at everything. I don't care about people knowing it is just the nasty approach they are taking which is disgusting.

Incident Four

This has literally just happened this morning and I have been told by one of my friends (who I was originally stealth too but found out through L) who was getting extremely annoyed by an individual who had found out. And in her words:

- She was talking about a few of mine and my boyfriend's terrible decisions at her parties (nothing about me being trans, just that we have made terrible decisions while in the party environment) especially, without TMI, our sexual habits.
- Then this guy (G), who had obviously found out through L as well since they talk occasionally, just loudly announced for all to hear, "But wait, Hunter is trans?"
- My friends just responded with a confused and slightly insulted, "So???"/"And...?"
- This just resulted in G awkwardly pushing forwards the subject, "So how do they have sex?"
- My friend tried ending the discussion with, "We don't know? Why do you need to know?"
- Alas they were ignored and speculations fired up between the group of 5+ individuals while my friends remained, slightly powerless.
- The girl with G began with the stupid questions like, "So, he's a girl?", "If you have sex with a trans person that makes you straight, right?" and then the grand conclusion, "His boyfriend is straight. I thought he was gay?"
- My friends were just left trying to get them to shut up but most just used the, "I am in the same class as Hunter/his boyfriend so it is okay."

It is only a small college and I am currently feeling like an alien. I am pretty popular so I won't be dealing with one or two individuals, I am soon going to be having 30-40 people on my case and even some people disregarding me because of this.

I know my boyfriend cares too much and he is attempting to take all of this on himself. I don't want him having to be this warrior getting into scraps on my behalf because he is angry that anyone would disrespect my privacy as many of the people we have considered friends have done and will continue to do.

I just need a little support at this time and need to know how to deal with this without being that whiny kid who has all the issues.

I am looking to produce an educational assembly or something with help from my form tutor. Has anyone else done something similar and if so how did you approach it?

[Asche]

Boy, that sucks.

I wish I had some good ideas.  Unfortunately, I don't.

Not that it helps you much, but I think one basic courtesy for LGBT people is "don't out LGBT people without their permission."  It goes along with "other people's genitalia (and sex lives) are not to be discussed unless they bring it up" and "don't use terms for people that are commonly considered offensive."

Unfortunately, I've seen it happen all too often.  (One friend of mine told me that a woman at a dancing group I go to is trans.  I really wish she hadn't.)

I can't tell you how to organize an educational meeting, but IMHO it's a reasonable thing to do.  If you do, you could certainly include a list of do's and don't's, this one being among them.

Is there an LGBT club/center at your Uni?  If so, maybe you could get them to set up a "how not to be a ****" information session.  It could be just for how to treat trans people, or maybe how to behave decently around LGBT people in general.

ETA:

I don't think you're being whiny, especially over the incidents with the gossipy girls.  TBH, it would be pretty offensive even if you were a cis woman.  Nor is outing you without permission a small thing.  If it happens to you in the working world, it could cost you your job.

[sparrow]

OMG, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

[FTMDiaries]

What they are doing is highly inappropriate, and it's vital that you get your college's administration involved. They need to organise some Diversity training to make all staff & students aware of their obligations under the Equality Act 2010 and the Gender Recognition Act 2004 - which makes it a criminal offence to out you and to bully you for being trans. And the responsibility for meeting the provisions of those Acts lies with the College - not with you!

Now, here's the thing. The Gender Recognition Act only covers people who have applied for a Gender Recognition Certificate, which I'd imagine you've not yet done. But that's OK, because the Gender Recognition Act also makes it illegal to ask a trans person whether they have a GRC... so you're covered anyway because they have no lawful way of knowing whether the GRA covers you!

You may find this resource very useful: Gendered Intelligence work to promote trans rights in the UK, and this page contains a lot of information that might help you. In particular, try this document from the Equality Challenge Unit which is aimed at higher education institutions and it explains what transphobic bullying is, and what the college needs to do about it (page 26 is particularly relevant). It'd probably be a good idea to email this to your tutor so that they have a chance to read it before your meeting. You're not the one with the problem here (you're the target, not the cause of the problem); it's actually your college that has a problem and it's entirely their responsibility to stamp this out... and they risk breaking the law if they don't take appropriate steps to support you.

On a more personal level... it's difficult to see this when you've probably been around the same group of people all your life, but within a few years' time you're going to lose touch with most of the people at college as you all move on to your various professions - so whilst it's completely inappropriate for them to out you, it's all going to be okay in the long-term. Seriously, in 5 years' time you won't remember half of these clowns and you'll have moved on to a new environment where you can be completely stealth if you so wish.

Oh, and 'L' sounds like one of those obnoxious types who thinks that because he's perfectly happy with being out, everyone else should be too. He needs a quiet word to remind him that it's never OK to out any LGBT+ person without their consent, and that he's actually breaking the law! He doesn't get a 'get out of jail free' card just because he's also trans.

[justanothertranboy]

Not that it helps you much, but I think one basic courtesy for LGBT people is "don't out LGBT people without their permission."  It goes along with "other people's genitalia (and sex lives) are not to be discussed unless they bring it up" and "don't use terms for people that are commonly considered offensive."

This has been the exact thing which has wound me up the most since 3/4 of those outing me have been LGBT. I swear if I did the same to them (which I never would because I respect privacy and do not seek out conflict and to hurt others) they would kick off big time - I know J is jumping in and out of the closet like a yoyo as it is.

For some reason it only seems to be my partner who remembers this and being a guy who doesn't come across as gay (I am not saying that stereotypes of gay men are real or that it is easy to identify a gay man; just most people are surprised to find out that he is gay) he completely understands and respects this since he is uncomfortable when his friends would introduce them as "the gay one" with there being no need for anyone to know. Obviously he isn't ashamed of it since he will introduce me as his boyfriend but again it is that respect of it being on your own terms.

Is there an LGBT club/center at your Uni?  If so, maybe you could get them to set up a "how not to be a ****" information session.  It could be just for how to treat trans people, or maybe how to behave decently around LGBT people in general.

There is a small club however I stopped going because I didn't really have the time in between my work. I completely support that kind of session though - it would go down a treat, I bet.

I don't think you're being whiny, especially over the incidents with the gossipy girls.  TBH, it would be pretty offensive even if you were a cis woman.  Nor is outing you without permission a small thing.  If it happens to you in the working world, it could cost you your job.

Thanks for all of this. It has really helped. Especially that end bit because the reality is that it isn't suitable and it is not an appropriate. I keep undermining the issue purely to avoid an argument but I need to put myself first.

[Rachel]

Hi, Suziefrommd is on the staff list. She has a presentation in power point about trans she gave to a PD. If you PM her she most likely will share it with you.

Is there a woman's studies department on campus? Reason being they most likely can assist in a campus training. What is happening to you is because others are insensitive to how damaging what they are doing is on you and your relationships. Your college needs and intervention by administration. Leaving a situation fester will not resolve the underlying issues and your boyfriend may well end up in trouble.

I am sorry this is happening to you. 

[Asche]

... it's never OK to out any LGBT+ person without their consent, ... He doesn't get a 'get out of jail free' card just because he's also trans.

QFT

Also note that just because someone is "out" in one group doesn't mean it's okay to out them in others.

Lots of people are, say, out at college, but not out to their families.  I'm "out" in my church and my dance groups, but not at work.

[justanothertranboy]

What they are doing is highly inappropriate, and it's vital that you get your college's administration involved. They need to organise some Diversity training to make all staff & students aware of their obligations under the Equality Act 2010 and the Gender Recognition Act 2004 - which makes it a criminal offence to out you and to bully you for being trans. And the responsibility for meeting the provisions of those Acts lies with the College - not with you!

Fortunately, the guy who actually guided me through my transition (my transitional yoda <3), did a load of work there helping to develop their facilities and staff understanding surrounding trans students. It is now one of the best colleges for LGBT support in my area which definitely pays off and to be fair if I approached them they would probably have everything sorted within a week like with the first incident.

The discussions with students have faltered though with my transitional yoda's departure to the other end of the country - which is why I am trying to gather the confidence to do my own presentation.

The links and all which you've included are incredibly helpful and I cannot thank you enough for them. I have forwarded the documents to my tutor with my email requesting the opportunity to produce an assembly/a board in the college to help clarify how to respond towards someone outing someone/how to not out someone.

I know the college will probably intervene but I just feel as though I can't have them pandering to my needs all of the time.

On a more personal level... it's difficult to see this when you've probably been around the same group of people all your life, but within a few years' time you're going to lose touch with most of the people at college as you all move on to your various professions - so whilst it's completely inappropriate for them to out you, it's all going to be okay in the long-term. Seriously, in 5 years' time you won't remember half of these clowns and you'll have moved on to a new environment where you can be completely stealth if you so wish.

Fortunately, I already accept the inevitability that will be parting from everyone I know. I am not too attached though, thankfully. The people I have met in college have been my first friends in years since I spent my high school years in a hospital school, sitting one-on-one classes due to social anxieties and such. My gender dysphoria wasn't actually recognised properly until I was 16.

Oh, and 'L' sounds like one of those obnoxious types who thinks that because he's perfectly happy with being out, everyone else should be too. He needs a quiet word to remind him that it's never OK to out any LGBT+ person without their consent, and that he's actually breaking the law! He doesn't get a 'get out of jail free' card just because he's also trans.

Most people have agreed on me with L. He has dug himself a grave because outing me isn't the first thing he's done to wrong other people.

Thank you for everything though! All very helpful and comforting

[TG CLare]

It`s not right to "out" people as it can be dangerous at the most and embarrassing at the least for them.

When I left work, a select few whom I had known for over 20 years were made aware I was going to transition and to keep it to themselves. Oh, each of them did, but guess it was just to juicy a thing not to keep quiet and everyone I worked with knows I'm trans now.

With friends like that who turn you out, who needs enemies!

Love,
Clare

[justanothertranboy]

Hi, Suziefrommd is on the staff list. She has a presentation in power point about trans she gave to a PD. If you PM her she most likely will share it with you.

Is there a woman's studies department on campus? Reason being they most likely can assist in a campus training. What is happening to you is because others are insensitive to how damaging what they are doing is on you and your relationships. Your college needs and intervention by administration. Leaving a situation fester will not resolve the underlying issues and your boyfriend may well end up in trouble.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks for the connection, I will have to send her a message as soon as as possible to ask about that! I don't think we will get into any trouble since we would only approach people passively, it is more their reactions which would cause the issues.

[justanothertranboy]

It`s not right to "out" people as it can be dangerous at the most and embarrassing at the least for them.

When I left work, a select few whom I had known for over 20 years were made aware I was going to transition and to keep it to themselves. Oh, each of them did, but guess it was just to juicy a thing not to keep quiet and everyone I worked with knows I'm trans now.

With friends like that who turn you out, who needs enemies!

Love,
Clare

That is terrible. I am really sorry to hear about that how did your workplace take it exactly?

[justanothertranboy]

OMG, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Too true.

Time to go live in a cave again. I can't trust anyone, yikes.