How long did you feel hopeless before you figured it out?

[orangejuice]

I'm getting pretty scared that I just don't have the right attitude to be able to deal with this. I can't see any answers and all I see is the negatives in the future. The only thing that might help me is if hormones fix everything. And the feeling I get from people's experiences is that is naive. I also feel like I'd be taking a massive risk with my health to take them beciase of some stuff that happened when I took an anti androgen before. I'd need to be at the point where if they help then great but if they kill me then oh well it's better than living. I am pretty close to that point for me but I will never be for my family. It's pretty tough having people who care about you ask you how you are and knowing you have to say 'good' because the truth would hurt them too much. The truth being that I have this problem that you can't understand and that the only reason I live is to not put you through pain. I could never ruin my family's life like that.

But the impression I get from people is you either tackle this with a positive attitude and get on with life or you have a negative one in which case you'll always find being trans hard and depressing regardless of how you are able to change your life. I'm scared I'm the latter. I'm currently trying to put my life back together in a practical sense. I'm trying to finish a degree I started ages ago. That feels good but it only takes me failing to hold this feeling at bay for a moment and everything falls apart. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and what I'm doing in life. What is the point of studying into the early hours for a class if the reward for that is another day, week, month, degree, job, life that I don't want. That I'm only really doing because I have to try and have a life in some way. Because I can't kill myself.

All these thing about me make me question how I've got in this mess. I read a lot of stories like 'I buried it deep and engrossed myself in my work' or 'I found love and thought that would cure me' or the same with kids. I don't want anything out of life. At all. It's so hard to figure out how much of that is down to maybe being transs. Either it has literally stifled me from since I was a young kid and not allowed me to find who I really truly am, and I only didn't realise because I had it so good in life, I took confidence from how others saw me, good at sports, good looking, but not confidence in who I was myself. As soon as those things disappeared I have nothing. Just this feeling of wanting to be a girl and the complete and utter self loathing that it fits in so horribly with the 'me' that I thought I was and that others knew and liked. On the other hand maybe this whole thing is just some weird quirk more to do with my sexuality, which would have been relatively benign if I hadn't had a few things happen in my late teens that utterly ruined my self-esteem and continued to develop until now at 26 where they seem unsolvable problems. I hate myself too much. I'm too weird. I'm too far away from normal now that I can't get it back. I don't date. I'm basically a virgin. I feel this horrible horrible self loathing when I think about all my friends and the relationships they are in. I'm jealous of them, but I'm jealous of their girlfriends Feeling all of this while still trying to project this male personality. The same one that I was when I was younger, makes me feel so awful. It's not even a projection. I mean it's the only me I've ever been. But maybe I've never been me because this trans thing has created this weird life where I've never developed any confidence in myself. But maybe if I still had some hobbies or interests or passions I'd be fine. Maybe I'm just a depressed kind of person and I'll never really be able to handle this. Maybe it's just in my genes. My upbringing. My parents are really caring people but it has always frustrated me how timid and negative they are about life. My sister suffered from depression for a bit including trying to kill herself about 7 years ago now, but she's doing great now which is awesome. But maybe all these thing play a part and it's not this trans thing that undercuts everything, it's everything else that has blown the trans  thing into something it didn't need to be. It's so hard to untangle all of this and know what is really the truth.

Just another rant but what I was really wanting to know was how long did people here feel hopeless before they felt better?

[Deborah]

I may be the exception to the rule but HRT without public announcements have largely cured my hopelessness.  I don't know yet if and when I'll go the rest of the way.

I kept it somewhat under control until I was 44 and then hit rock bottom.  So I did DIY HRT for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped and the badness came back.  Then I did DIY again for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped again and the badness came back again.  Finally I was at extreme rock bottom again but this time thought to do it right.  So I saw a therapist and started HRT again with endo supervision, this time knowing I will never stop.  I feel good again.  I have taken other minor steps like growing my hair but have not gone public with it all.  I leave all options open for the future and keep my primary goal of "not hating life" in mind.


Sapere Aude

[cheryl reeves]

I felt hopeless til the day I tried killing myself at the age of 17, that was the day I was reborn and realized life was for living not dieing. See I've always been a girl but living a boys life which I hated but realized my dad was trying to make me strong and independent,which I would need later in life. Before I got married I warned my wife on who I was, then life got in the way for 11yrs with me dressing in private,then it imploded for I could no longer pretend all was alright. My wife totally flipped out, but she wanted to make it work,so for 3yrs all was fine til we moved and Cheryl had to take a back burner for 11 yrs.but I underdressed during those yrs. Then we moved to the country and we had privacy for 4.5 yrs.now we moved back to town but I still dress when it is the right time. See even if I have a beard I can see my fem self hiding behind that mask and dressing keeps the trans beast at bay. Quit the pity party and face life head on, and do it on your terms,if you need therapy go to therapy,I have never had a use for therapy for I don't trust the shrinks.

[Asche]

Short answer:  pretty much my whole life.

(Recognizing that I'm trans wasn't the whole answer, but doing so has unlocked a lot of issues I've been trying to deal with for decades.)

BTW, just because you had problems with one type of anti-androgen doesn't necessarily mean you can't do HRT.  A T-woman I know had to go off spiro because it was causing heart problems is doing fine on a different anti-A.  You might need to go through a couple of endocrinologists to find one who will work on finding the right medications for you.  HRT is definitely not a one-size-fits-all proposition.

[Kylo]

I've always felt a hopelessness there.

I'm hoping transition will help, and if I do it I will at least know if it helped or not. Otherwise, I've nothing to lose.

It's made me more sad to reflect back on my life on this trans thing and realize maybe a lot of this weight was all just due to the mental and physical feeling of displacement and and self-rejection being trans seems to put on people. I think back when I thought it was maybe just a problem with my own personality, there was at least some blame to be assigned there. But now that it's more like a sort of disease, that went unrecognized, I just feel exceptionally crap. There's hope with transition though, I guess.

[Dee Marshall]

I felt hopeless. I felt that way for years, for most of my life. I didn't even know why. I didn't know people like us exist. Eventually I met some through work and then researched it. Only then did I even realize that I'm trans. A few months later I admitted it to myself. Then I began to feel hope. A few months after that I admitted it to my wife. I lost most of it again then. She didn't react well. My therapist kept me together until, after a few months, I could start HRT. Hope blossomed, for a while. Now hope comes and goes. I have it more than I don't. I learned an important lesson, though. HRT doesn't solve all your problems, but it removes some big ones often at the cost of gaining new ones. But it does make you stronger. At least it did me.

[Lilian J]

For most of my life I've felt hopeless in that I felt
1. these feelings are never going away.
2. I'll just have to bottle them up for the rest of my life.
The effect being that my self esteem has always been fragile in that I put up a good front but always expected if people knew the real me I'd be hated, pitied or despised.

What triggered me to turn this attitude around was
1. My mother being diagnosed with early onset Parkinsons disease that has completely changed her life.
2. Seeing a friend die due to depression.
3. The new Trans visibility all over the news.
That said after outing myself to my sister it still took 8 months to force myself to finally see a therapist and 3 months on HRT before coming out to my wife.

A lot of the positive attitude and confidence you see from people is a front and almost everyone has self-doubt, confusion and  uncertainty.

[Violets]

I may be the exception to the rule but HRT without public announcements have largely cured my hopelessness.  I don't know yet if and when I'll go the rest of the way.

I kept it somewhat under control until I was 44 and then hit rock bottom.  So I did DIY HRT for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped and the badness came back.  Then I did DIY again for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped again and the badness came back again.  Finally I was at extreme rock bottom again but this time thought to do it right.  So I saw a therapist and started HRT again with endo supervision, this time knowing I will never stop.  I feel good again.  I have taken other minor steps like growing my hair but have not gone public with it all.  I leave all options open for the future and keep my primary goal of "not hating life" in mind.

I could've written this post, though I've never gone down the DIY route.

Orangejuice, if you're not in therapy yet, please do it. The feeling of hopelessness won't go away till you take charge of things. I felt much the same as you at your age, and at 30, then 40 and so on. For myself, therapy and HRT have been my saviour; now there is hope.

Though I'm on a full dose, a trans friend of mine has found contentment on low-dose HRT. She has no intention of transitioning, her hair is short, and unless she told you she was trans, you'd never know!

[Rachel]

I got help in Dec. 2012. I owe my life to the Mazzoni center. I got a gender therapist, hormones, depression medication, group and legal aid through them. I felt helpless from age 5 till last June, when I tried to commit suicide again. That day I realized what was the issue all along. I resisted being myself. From that day till 11/13/15 I worked to come out at work, use my preferred name and gender and express at work. I scheduled GCS for 11/15/16 and am pursuing other treatments to blend in.  I have not had suicidal ideation since coming out. I have not felt helpless since then. I have not felt hopeless. Instead feel I really need to transition well and I am moving to that end.

OJ, I initially got help I'm Dec 2012 because I tried to commit suicide 2 days I row. I was overwhelmed and scared. I had constant headaches, sky high dysphoria, little on no sleep for quite a while and wanting find some way to cope. The pain was unbearable.  The second day I attempted I can not believe I lived. I got to work and made an intake appointment.

Between then and now I am a completely different person. I know people say you are the same person when you transition but I am not. The inside is becoming my outside. I am so much stronger and able to handle transition. I am not ashamed of who I am. A day in June 2015 is the day I understood why I was in such a poor mental state and from that day things have gotten better.

[Emileeeee]

I felt hopeless until I found out I wasn't alone at about 20 years old. Started therapy at 25. Then spent the next 15 years in deep depression, so deep in fact that I didn't even realize I was depressed until I snapped out of it when I decided to finally get the ball rolling. I still get mild depression from time to time, but that's because of issues with family and feeling like I'm not moving along fast enough.

[JoanneB]

I may be the exception to the rule but HRT without public announcements have largely cured my hopelessness.  I don't know yet if and when I'll go the rest of the way.

I kept it somewhat under control until I was 44 and then hit rock bottom.  So I did DIY HRT for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped and the badness came back.  Then I did DIY again for a year and felt better.  Then I stopped again and the badness came back again.  Finally I was at extreme rock bottom again but this time thought to do it right.  So I saw a therapist and started HRT again with endo supervision, this time knowing I will never stop.  I feel good again.  I have taken other minor steps like growing my hair but have not gone public with it all.  I leave all options open for the future and keep my primary goal of "not hating life" in mind.


Sapere Aude

We Are Not Alone
The Truth Is Out There

Far from alone. HRT has been a godsend for decades. I've been On/Off low dose several times over the decades for a much needed "Brain Reset". When the excrement totally hit the air handler a few years back I went on low dose again. Low became higher. Higher became feminizing.

Life went from a little better, to more better, to even more betterer.

During all that I've had my "WTF am I Doing " metdowns. Stopping it all. The AA, the E. Guess what? The WTF depression death spiral went into full swing. Only me embracing once again my daily affirmation saved me

"I Know What Does NOT Work"

Six...Seven years in, I still live and present primarily as male. I know what DOES work. I also work to strike a balance. Actually, my primary objective when taking on the trans beast for real a few years back was to figure out how to get these two great aspects of ME to live together in harmony. I kind of got there but ......

[TechGirl]

We Are Not Alone
The Truth Is Out There

Far from alone. HRT has been a godsend for decades. I've been On/Off low dose several times over the decades for a much needed "Brain Reset". When the excrement totally hit the air handler a few years back I went on low dose again. Low became higher. Higher became feminizing.

Life went from a little better, to more better, to even more betterer.

During all that I've had my "WTF am I Doing " metdowns. Stopping it all. The AA, the E. Guess what? The WTF depression death spiral went into full swing. Only me embracing once again my daily affirmation saved me

"I Know What Does NOT Work"

Six...Seven years in, I still live and present primarily as male. I know what DOES work. I also work to strike a balance. Actually, my primary objective when taking on the trans beast for real a few years back was to figure out how to get these two great aspects of ME to live together in harmony. I kind of got there but ......

I am curious, with so many years on hrt but presenting as male,  how much has your body changed?

Reason I ask is that I will be part time for a long time, but am eagerly waiting for when I can start hrt.

[Deborah]

I've been on for a year and my face has changed quite a bit.  I'm not sure if people notice or not but they don't say anything.  My body has changed too but I have somewhat of an athletic build so maybe it's not super noticeable either as long as I don't call attention to things with tight clothes.  In another year . . . who knows!

Actually one guy did say something about my face when he saw a year and a half old picture on LinkdIn.  He said I look really different.  But it didn't create any issues.


Sapere Aude

[KathyLauren]

Just another rant but what I was really wanting to know was how long did people here feel hopeless before they felt better?

How long?  Try 61 years. 

I always knew I was different, and that the difference had something to do with sex/gender/relationships, but I was deeply in denial.  All I knew for sure was that I didn't fit anywhere "normal", but I couldn't bring myself to admit that I might be one of "them", whoever they might be.

I suppose the recent upsurge in publicity about transgender people (Thanks, Caitlyn!) raised my awareness enough to start checking it out.  So here I am, with a much better understanding of who I was and who I am.  I am no longer in denial: parts of my life that made no sense before are now clear.

[Rachel]

I was in Jefferson Hospital paying for parking (my primary is across the street) and I saw an engineer I knew for 28 years walking towards me. I had not seen him for 2 or so years. As he got close I said hi Bill. He did not recognize me. I repeated it 2 more times and then he did a double take. He said wow you look different. I look like a different person than my drivers license. I explained everything to him and he was very supportive.

[ChasingAlice]

I felt hopeless until I recieved my letter. So,  from age six to 37. I can count the number of 'good' years on one hand. These  years I was in fact denile.

[Adena]

I've always felt a hopelessness there.

I'm hoping transition will help, and if I do it I will at least know if it helped or not. Otherwise, I've nothing to lose.

It's made me more sad to reflect back on my life on this trans thing and realize maybe a lot of this weight was all just due to the mental and physical feeling of displacement and and self-rejection being trans seems to put on people. I think back when I thought it was maybe just a problem with my own personality, there was at least some blame to be assigned there. But now that it's more like a sort of disease, that went unrecognized, I just feel exceptionally crap. There's hope with transition though, I guess.

Yep, similar for me (I.m mtf, but the feelings are quite similar to yours).  Everything was buried for a very long time. It affects one ability to function socially and to care about yourself, at least certainly did for me.

[Kylo]

Yep, similar for me (I.m mtf, but the feelings are quite similar to yours).  Everything was buried for a very long time. It affects one ability to function socially and to care about yourself, at least certainly did for me.

That's true.

I've never been into cutting myself or doing any kind of outright harm to myself but indirectly not given two flips about anything else. I might have killed myself a dozen other ways in recklessness or just not caring. I've been told by my therapist and doctor to start taking care of myself... feels kind of strange to start worrying about my actual body. It's actually difficult to try to feel any respect or care for it. But I try to imagine it'll be different in future and I might actually start feeling some kind of affinity with it.

[Ms Grace]

I'm getting pretty scared that I just don't have the right attitude to be able to deal with this. I can't see any answers and all I see is the negatives in the future. The only thing that might help me is if hormones fix everything. And the feeling I get from people's experiences is that is naive.

HRT will make some changes - mostly good, but it isn't a panacea and will only feminise your body, it will not give you a female body. But it sounds like you have worked that out...

But the impression I get from people is you either tackle this with a positive attitude and get on with life or you have a negative one in which case you'll always find being trans hard and depressing regardless of how you are able to change your life. I'm scared I'm the latter. I'm currently trying to put my life back together in a practical sense. I'm trying to finish a degree I started ages ago.

Having a realistic positive outlook helps that is for sure. Being negative isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you are realistic and pragmatic about that too. Everyone has their struggles - it looks like life is wonderful and easy for most other people when you are depressed and down but that is only a perception. There are many people struggling with life from day to day - either due to physical, emotional, mental, family and/or financial reasons. You either let it get to you or you find a way to rise above it, even if only briefly. Overcoming depression and anxiety has a lot to do with finding coping mechanisms for stresses and triggers, but that doesn't happen overnight. It takes work, self-acceptance and honesty - and a desire to make things better, often over the course of years. Things can be better.

[orangejuice]

Thanks for the replies. Even though I don't take much hope from it. A longtime is the general answer. I've already wasted my youth basically.  I'm trying to avoid wasting anymore of my life.I  don't even care about figuring it out anymore I just want a break from this feeling so badly. But it's always there, slowly ruining everything I liked about myself,. I'm  constantly trapped in this dark horrible head space of self loathing, frustration and hopelessness. I think the way this rears its head for me makes it harder. My sexuality ruined everything. I had feelings before but I didn't care about them. As soon as my body started functioning in that way I was dead. Finished. I've been slowly losing myself ever since those times. I mean how do you change your sexuality? Whether it's part of the whole trans thing or not? You don't. You can't. It's an instinct. Like getting hungry. And when your sexuality causes you so much self loathing then you are absolutely screwed. I want it gone so badly. It makes me so sad to think about how differently my life would have gone if I hadn't had these feelings. Particularly that time I'm talking about when being sexually active happens. The person that I was and could have been.

I just want to like something about myself again. Just any kind of self esteem to back me up, to let me take part in life and feel like I'm worthy of doing it. It's not like I'm holed up in my room not leaving the house or anything. I manage. But I'm faking everything. I mean everything. Every interaction I have with every person. Every thing I'm doing is just to give the appearance of being an actual person. I don't know why I feel like that. It seems pretty obvious that a lot of trans people don't feel that way. Thats why it's hard to figure out. Hard to fix. My self-esteem is literally 0%. And the funny thing is I know that there are things that are good or that I like about myself, but for some reason it just doesn't matter. It's still 0%.