Clouded mind

[FireWolf]

Last night I was thinking that I haven't really tried to explain who I am and who I'm pretending to be. I wanted to write it down somewhere and this seems like the perfect place to do it so if it's long, forgive me, but I'll try yo make it a good read.

As I was saying, last night I thought about who I really was. I never really thought about it because I'm so used to being this other person so that no one knows me. I don't mean on a name basis either, I'm talking about on a personal level. I was up listening to this one Zelda song remix (song of storms dubstep, favorite song because it has a lot to do with my childhood). I wrote a lot listening to this song and I'll probably end up sharing it with you all on here at some point when I feel more comfortable around people and open. So as I was laying there, being as depressed as I always am, I was trying to fall asleep listening to a four hour version of the song because I like falling asleep to it. Before I could doze off I was thinking of the things I actually like. Cos playing is probably what I'll want to do from time to time, but I think my style would be more of an anime kind of girl. Another way I could word that would be scene I think. This means dying my hair a bright pink color and walking around in a pink dress to match, trying to look like an anime girl kind of deal. I'd like to try and do that when out with friends for the most part. Other than that it would have to be my regular dark clothes and loner kind of style.

Right now I'm stuck in a situation where I have no clue how to go about it. Everyone portrays me as a video game addicted teenager that likes computers, heavy metal (music) and doesn't hang around a lot of people. I also wear a lot of black and well, it's either a camo outfit or a sweater and jeans. The camo is black and white. My style has been the same for years so no one really expects much of a change. The downside is that no one knows I'm transgender. Some of my friends know and my parents know, but besides that, no effort from anyone, but that's another topic for another time. I'm not very big, I'm around 5'10-11, 180 pounds and have grown a little belly. This belly of mine is a major problem. I'm disgusted by it. I'm going to try and lose it before going to see a therapist and if all goes well, that should be during the summer when I move back to my home province. If I'm lucky that is. This stomach of mine ruins my style because it makes me look bigger than what I would like. The weight I don't mind, but I don't like where it's sitting at right now. Another thing that cramps y style as it is right now is my chest. I think what bothers me most of all would have to be my chest. I'm only 19 so yeah, I'm starting to get hair there and it's so gross. Not to mention the dysphoria about not having boobs and seeing people with them and... you get the idea.

I originally started this post to see how much I knew about my present style and what I liked/disliked about it and the one I'd like to achieve, and it ended up in me trying to figure out a lot more than just clothes and taste. What's your thoughts? Oh, and a therapist is out of reach for the time being so...

Rachel

[autumn08]

What are my thoughts?

You're lonely. Could you be more open and spend more time with your family and friends?

[FireWolf]

I came out to my parents about a year ago and they completely brushed me off. We were having a family night just before new years and they all started making comments about my nails being done. When it was just me and my mother I confronted her about it and she just pushed me away... I moved out. For friends, I'm staying with one of them at the moment and the other is just down the road. All of my other friends are on the other side of the country. I moved to Alberta about two years ago so it's causing some complications

[autumn08]

How would your two friend in Alberta react, if you they read your original post?

[Amy413]

26 years ago when I was 19. Lots of black, lots of heavy metal, quite anti-social.
And video games? I am the OG gamer generation, pong, combat, pac man, tempest, the list goes on.
"addiction?" pfft.... The fastest growing indusrtry, the cutting edge of software development, the the frontiers of the human imagination. Anyone who "poo poo's" video games has no clue what they are talking about. The multiverse is REAL!

Anyway, I got distracted.

Games are my life. I'm a dev. my gender is un-related to that. A girl invented the first programming language, so all the stereotypes are bs.

And in many games, I choose the female form.

But on to your topic, who I am, who I am pretending to be?
Yes, I feel the same. All these years I have been playing this "boy game" pretending to be some "dude"...
Holding that cute, fun, playful girl deep inside for fear of being punished by the "guys" for being too sensitive (or other colorful words).

I am also an intelligent, strong woman. Raised by feminists.

And anime..... I LOVE IT!!!!!
from the beginning, I've been a fan. Speed racer, battle of the planets, Star Blazers, ROBOTECH. Those were just the formative years. The anime universe is a very interesting one.
And Cosplay. Yes, when I feel more confident, I think I could have fun with that too.
Once my hair gets longer I could do a "Lisa Hayes" from Robotech.

She was one of my favorites on that show.

I've always fantasized about being an "anime girl"

I think I might have been Japanese in a past life.

[FireWolf]

If they read my post? Hmm, the friend I'm staying with would just brush it off. He knows I'm trans, but just doesn't really care. It doesn't make a difference to him. The other one would probably like to read it, but she doesn't really understand much because she herself is dealing with family issues so I don't tell her much.

Ohh, those games were and still are at the top of the gaming industry no matter what anyone says. Nothing will beat the originals. CoD or Halo, Far Cry, Destiny... the list goes on. Sure they're first person shooters with lots of different things to do, but like I said, an older game is still going to be better... until a virtual reality is created like Sword Art Online (anime) in which you make decisions yourself and the outcome will be the same if you made that choice in real life... if that makes sense. See I throw computers together and clean them of "unwanted bugs" for a job. For a gamer... Best. Job. Ever. I went over a set up with my boss and I've come up with a tower in which I'll be able to download all the older games onto it. I plan on running everything off of this rig so... Anyways! The point of that is that I love technology and music. I spend half my time on it anyways and when I get bored, I pick up my guitar. The problem is that even when playing a game or jamming to an awesome tune, I think about me and the situation I'm in. This leads to more depression and it just keeps spiraling. I just don't know what to do.

[autumn08]

I just don't know what to do.

My suggestions, before you start therapy;

1) Become friends with someone you can confide in, and who will respond compassionately.

2) Alter your body and presentation in order to mitigate the pain of gender dysphoria.

3) Post your thoughts on this forum. This will help organize your mind, and the support will help mitigate any lingering internalized transphobia.