My name is Danni and really I'm here to help figure myself out. You see, I was born male but about a decade ago I started asking myself what life would be like if some things were different. What would happen if I never said that one thing to an old friend, what would happen if I just left certain things alone, and then somewhere down the line of curiosities I got to What would life be like if I weren't a boy. This question stuck with me for awhile. A friend of mine drew this possible other Danni and I'd talk more about it with them thinking of it as nothing more than a passing fancy. After all, it is impossible to consider in my current state. It wasn't a money issue but I had a very overbearing set of parents that didn't really give me a lot of breathing room in terms of experimentation. As an example of this, I was kicked out of the house when I was 18 because my dad "thought" I was gay. I shaved my legs, partially to make a friend of mine laugh because I'm always the kidder and partially because I wanted to know what it would be like. (Side note, came out pretty good for my first time. Rubbed my leg on just about everything, that feeling is niiiice).
Stretch it a couple more years, I'm still having passing dreams and thoughts about it and eventually straight up move out of the city I'm in. Despite living alone, I felt the presence of my family and it wasn't really good for my growth as a person. Moving out with two very good friends has been a bit of an eye opener. Found out that it turns out I'm pan. For simplistic sake I told dad I was Bi years later when he was regretful of how things went down and wanted to make amends. But being really far away from everyone has been freeing. At some point a friend of mine who is an active member in the cosplaying community expresses interest in doing a group cosplay with my friends. She jokingly suggested I crossplayed a particular girl to help fill in for their group. She didn't know me that well though and I'm all about amusing other people so I called her out and said I'd do it.
It was about a year and a half ago since that happened. We never did get the cosplay together but that was because she lives cities away and we choose to hit up a con that's happening this year. See the thing is though, ever since it came out of my mouth that I'd do it, I've been hit with ideas I've been pushing back for years because it's "not feasible" or "impossible". It hit me in a hard way where I wouldn't stop thinking about it. To my eyes before this all went down, I viewed women fashion to be this next level sort of deal. I loved their fashion, I love the idea of wearing make-up because I'm an artist. I can appreciate contorting, the colors involved, each little piece setting together a canvas that looks stunning, right?
I'm very comfortable with the concept of dolling myself up but the thought process went in different directions after this became something I could verbally just say. See now I'm at a loss because I don't really know how far to take it. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see what I want to see. I mean I never really did before but now I have a particular thing to pick at that sort of filled in the whole "why don't I like what I see" sort of deal. I see a guy in a dress. I have seen some gentlemen in dresses before and some ladies who weren't where they wanted to be yet and I will tell you with certainty that those people can rock it. Whether they are openly wearing it as a guy or their trying to pass, I've seen some killer looks. That's not for me though. For some reason there's this thing in my head that makes what I currently am sort of ruin the whole look. I'm noticing more that I feel uncomfortable with my body so I'm curious where I want to take this. I started trying to work out more to make myself feel more comfortable in my skin but it's not really doing it for me.
And I just want to make this a point. I know being a woman is more than just dressing up and make up. That's silly as hell to think. If I could make the switch, it would be more than an idea of looking pretty. Theirs like this level of comfort I find in it. It's hard to describe really. I mean, see myself being pretty androgynous at times anyways. Always did like to keep people guessing. It's just this weird idea in my head that I can if I wanted to, live the best of both worlds but only with my body like that. I do live in a pretty understanding community, lucky enough for that.
So I don't really know what I want. I'm awfully confused and I don't really know what to say for it. I just want to see some other people's stories and see if I can figure myself out from there.
