Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 12, 2016, 07:05:21 AM
Here's a thought: is it possible that she fell in love with you, and married you, because she recognised your innate femininity?
I have proof she always told me how she appreciates that I am gentle and caring, that I show my emotions and is emotionally available. She enjoyed that I share house chores which is like of limits if you are a real man in South Africa. Especially the stereotypical afrikaans (boer) man. She appreciates how I look after myself also because in our country men let themselves go from a very young age. Some of them won't even touch moisturiser and wont groom their body hair.
I did not hate being male as long as I was allowed to be a pretty male! That how I compensated for my gd I said if I can't be a woman I would look the best I can as a male. But I always felt disconnected from the masculinity. My own masculinity no matter how hard I tried I never found that sweet spot that most men found. I am trans so it makes sense.
The problem is she was raised as a boy when I saw her the first time I could not make out if it was a boy or a girl she represented very adrogenous. She was rough she did not play with dolls she shot guns. She only started growing her hair out when she was 15.
She also told me how she wanted to be a boy at stages in her life and prayed to God to make her a boy.
She told me how she was constantly bullied at school that she is a boy by the other girls and things. Can it be that she feels she need a man out of fear that she would be less of a woman and people will judge her womanhood?
Quote from: Deborah on February 12, 2016, 04:40:59 AM
It certainly sounds like she has parent issues and that they put a lot of pressure on her to do what she did. It's unfortunate that she was not strong enough to walk away from them. You will in time recover from this. She has just locked herself in a box for lifelong unhappiness and regret.
Sapere Aude
My father also pushed her and wanted her to pick sides those who are with me and against me they tried to form a team to intimidate me out of transitioning. They like created a whole "gang" and would call each other and make plans to intimidate me.
I think she got scared also she started questioning her own self worth because people where starting to bash her why is she staying and not divorcing.
I know I can't take responsibility for her well being now because I have to look after myself and she cut me off completely but I need to know what is really the problem and understand it to find peace with myself and move on because I can't go back. I must heal and find someone who will take me for who I am. I have to pick up the pieces and build a new person in my own vision but I can't do it if I don't know what the past was really about. Was it me that allowed the marriage to fail was it her I know I had my problems I withdrew myself when I became depressed but tried as best I can to be available.
I can't understand the brains washing thing it is impossible and my therapist made a joke about hiring me because she wants a couple of people brainwashed and I also want to be brainwashed myself.
The problem is she can't admit to anything! She was at my therapist 3 times the second two times was to bash me she could not take responsibility in any way for turning around and that this lead to me falling apart. She was just like him him him him.
She would make assumptions and believe them also no matter how my therapist argued with her and tried to give her perspective of the situation she will argue her point of view and perception. So excluding for her underlaying issue that she is bisexual and in denial with it and hiding it. She have emotional abusive issues and she is starting to show severe symptoms of bipolar disorder that runs in her mothers side of the family.
Her mother has got the highest degree of bipolar disorder. Her biggest fear is becoming like her mother and when I warned her honey get yourself checked your behaviour is not normal she told me there is nothing wrong with her.
Then when I was in rehab I spoke to my psychiatrist that is one of the best in our country and she told me she is definitely a candidate for bipolar disorder. My psych tried to talk to her about it when she came in the day for family session and she denied it and sprung an argument with my psych that I am the one with the problem now we are trying to tell us she has got a problem and she is the problem we must go and F ourselves.
My psych wanted to put her into rehab also for two weeks and she refused saying there is nothing wrong with her and we are the ones that is crazy and crap. We are trying to put the blame on her.
When we "tried again" it was because I was nagging her that we fix things. I realised this was a game to her to proof me wrong that it is not going to work and that I would relaps into depression and into wanting to transition. With her pulling out all the stops to "test" me and I have to prove myself. I still had to sleep in the other bed! There was no intimacy no sex nothing. She constantly pushed me to break and I did on occasions and then she would tell me that I am failing and she must walk on eggshells. Like she took some of my female clothes that I put away and started wearing them and this triggered me and I asked her you know I asked you nicely don't take that clothes. If I was down I would be accused of wanting to be a woman although it was more about failing the whole time to please her and prove my worth. She told me two weeks back she was right she won and proved me wrong I could not make the cut.
Currently she looks like she is a manic stage of bipolar. She has a significant elevated mood. Her lack of making rational decisions is worrying she did things she never did like party and drinks. But give her a couple of months then she sinks back into a depression phase.
Where normal people grieve there loss and there marriage loss. Her behaviour is beyond normal some people think it is because she is happy of being rid of me. But some people asked me is she okay her behaviour is abnormal.
I am writing my story here but maybe it will help someone in some way or maybe show them they are not alone. It helps me just to vent and work through my feelings and anger.
