Good days, bad days, and dark days

[PrincessButtercup]

I've been trying to stay upbeat, supportive, and positive. It's just so hard when it feels like I'm sinking into a swamp. Last night was so bad that I cried myself to sleep. This morning it was no better. In fact, I found myself googling ways to make a suicide look accidental. I really want to be supportive of my husband and best friend. I want him to be happy. At the same time I want my old life back - the one I had before the terms 'transgender' and 'gender dysphoria' were constant topics of conversation. Right now I just don't want any part of this life and I'm only seeing one path out.

[Devlyn]

Please call one of the suicide hotlines if you're feeling overwhelmed. They're posted prominently around the site. To throw out a cliche, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Hugs, Devlyn

[stephaniec]

life is too precious, there is too much in the world to enjoy and there no need to take that away from yourself. Therapy would help you sort things out in a more beneficial way.

[stephaniec]

would you like to talk about what's going on

[LizK]

Princess Buttercup

I can hear your pain, Please seek some help for the way you are feeling. It is a horrible place to be and you need some support. Forget your partner just for the moment. You need to be looking after you, is there someone you can talk face to face with you now? Don't forget we have the chat room if you want to try and connect with people.

Your life has been tipped upside down and your feelings are all over the place...your reaction is not extreme but very normal. I know there are times when my wife would like "it" all to go away...me too for that matter...but the reality is we have to take each day and deal with what it serves up. Being the "coming out to" spouse of a trans person has to be the toughest job around. In so many cases the person coming out forgets to consider their partner and their needs. Transition is a very self focused journey, as it needs to be due to the number of changes we have to make. This doesn't make it any easier if we forget to consider our spouse in all of this. You need your own support network.

Please please speak to someone soon and get yourself some help. It is not fair on you to be feeling this way, it is horrible and destructive. I hope you can keep your relationship intact, it is a difficult thing but then love will triumph!

   

[PrincessButtercup]

It's just all seems hopeless some days. And it hurts so much. He still refers to himself with male pronouns in real life, though he has switched back & forth on here. His plan is to never fully transition, but to lose the bulk of his masculinity to become more androgynous in appearance. At least that's what I've been told. I want to believe that since that's what we agreed to together. Some days it seems quite the opposite - so many new clothes have arrived in the past few weeks, talks about gaffs... It's too much. I feel like I'm watching my husband fade away. The man I love, who says he loves me, is being replaced by a stranger.

Sorry. I'm not usually one for a pity party. It's just been a rough few days and Valentines Day combined with our anniversary hasn't helped.

[stephaniec]

It's understandable, you have just as much right as he does to live your life the way you need to. I honestly have never been married , but I know therapy has prevented me from doing something that has no need to be done. I personally feel very srongly for the SO in situations like this. You didn't agree to this prior to marriage because if you did you wouldn't be feeling this way. I don't know your husband , but being transgender is hard on ones self because its an undercurrent throughout life that will not go away. If you can set boundaries to achieve an equal footing in the relationship tha'st one way to cope. He needs to understand your concerns and beliefs and I think a therapist would be a great help at this stage.

[PrincessButtercup]

He's heard my concerns many times. We've agreed to hard limits (yes, totally borrowed a phrase from '50 Shades of Grey' - great books, terrible movie). It's just all moving so quickly that I can't keep up. I've told him he has to slow down if he wants me to make this journey with him. Or, alternately, he can go as quickly as he wants, but he'll do it by himself. I can only cope with so many life altering events at one time.

He has never had, at least not after his first revelation of being TG, the goal of a full transition. I've always taken that at face value to mean he wasn't going to transition at all. Last night I was told that he plans to transition some aspects, but not others and that he knows he can't ever go to being female and keep our marriage together. It's so very confusing for me. It would probably be so much easier if I could just love this person as female, but I can't or won't. I'm simply not wired in such a way that I can look past the gender of the person I'm involved in an intimate relationship with. There is absolutely no fluidity in me. I find the thought of a female touching me in that way simply repulsive. I think it's great for others if they like it. I have many gay & lesbian friends who I love to pieces, but I could never be in love with another woman.

And so, my life just keeps getting more and more complicated to the point that I really just want to permanently check out of it.

[stephaniec]

checking out is no solution to something your husband has brought to the table. you can choose for yourself what you need , but a therapist seems to be a good way to help you process what is going on. At least a therapist would be an objective neutral guide.

[PrincessButtercup]

This to will hopefully pass. I have called a therapist who specializes in TG issues. I'm waiting to hear back to see if they're taking on new clients. If not, I guess I'll start working my way down the list. I'm just not sure how comfortable I'm going to be telling intimate details of my life to a stranger.

[stephaniec]

you'll br all right just let it all out. The best way to help yourself and your husband is is to have trust in someone trained to help. I know it can sometimes be hard to open up because I had trouble for way too long in being able to discuss my deep secret , but believe me the therapist's  only concern is to help you.

[mrsdarcysays]

This to will hopefully pass. I have called a therapist who specializes in TG issues. I'm waiting to hear back to see if they're taking on new clients. If not, I guess I'll start working my way down the list. I'm just not sure how comfortable I'm going to be telling intimate details of my life to a stranger.

hang in there, one thing in my lifetime is that you can never tell what is around the corner , life is unpredictable. if you need to talk there are  many people that are here for you, and there is the phone numbers above too

[PrincessButtercup]

Life is incredibly unpredictable, that I know. I just always thought that being as I'm over halfway through it, the major life altering events and surprises were behind me.

The therapist did return my call and has agreed to see me. Unfortunately I can't get in until late next week. I have some vacation time built up at work, I think I may use some of them to get away from home a few days. I could use some solitary time away.

[SophieSakura]

Hi Princess Buttercup.  I'm in the exact same situation and feel very similar to you, and I know it's so hard.  It seems like your feelings are very common in this situation and very normal.  Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.  I know it feels awful, so so awful, and it's a grieving process, for the person you thought you had, the relationship you're scared of losing, but it will get better, it has to.  These things always do get better after time.

Is there anyone you can talk to.  I hope you'll be ok.  It's so so hard.

[Peep]

I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/

[mrsdarcysays]

I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/

Thats what keeps me sane, but then I think he is insane. I really wish the world acknowledged that this is real, a type of normal, and people would be nice about people (and couples) who are different. If society was fine with this, I'm sure It would be a hell of a lot easier for me to be fine with it.  edit: AND yes I didn't sign up for him to suddenly flip and become a she, so in some ways they are a stranger, in other ways, you are right, they are that person I have always known. :|

[stephaniec]

glad you got an appointment, good luck and hang in there. Little vacation sounds nice.

[PrincessButtercup]

I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/

No, it truly doesn't help. A woman's body is a woman's body. It really doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not - I still don't want to have an intimate relationship with it. I'm. Just. Not. Into. Women. Only the transgendered seem to have difficulty grasping this concept. When I talked to my lesbian friends about this they all guffawed at the thought of me in a relationship with a woman regardless of which gender the person started out in life. It's just not who I am. I love men - their scent, their bodies, and their sex. I have no feelings for women in that way and in fact am quite repulsed by the thought of having one in my bed.

I respect others choices for their partner selection, I only ask that folks accept mine and stop trying to persuade me otherwise.

Also, for what it's worth, I don't give 2 strawberries as to how society views my relationship - only myself and my partner.

[stephaniec]

you have every right to be who you are.

[PrincessButtercup]

you have every right to be who you are.

Thank you, Stephanie. It's nice to know that someone besides the other SO's think that.