Alice
I can feel what you are going through, as I have been through exactly the same myself.
I found that the only way to deal with it was to strongly admit to myself that I am a girl and always will be, as denying it does nothing but prolong the inevitable.
When you suffer depression it makes you question yourself constantly, and it makes you feel lonely and isolated, but once you come to terms with who you are and start to see some clarity in your life, it gives you something to cling to, a rope to pull you out of the pit. Antidepressants only help to mask the problem and if you rely on them alone they just wont work. You cant shut your feelings in the cupboard and hope they go away because they wont. The only thing that can help you is yourself. Doctors are happy to keep throwing pills at you for as long as it takes but unless you do something to help yourself, that could be forever.
I used to pop pills constantly thinking they were making me feel better, but it was just superficial. They were so strong that they made me feel mentally numb to the point where I had difficulty in seeing anything clearly, and just lived from day to day in a weird sort of limbo. I was warned to stay off alcohol when taking them and managed to for a time, but when I finally did have a drink, I suffered the the most frightening hallucinations and heard strange unreal sounds inside my head which totally freaked me out. I just knew it couldn't go on, so I arranged to see a therapist, and although we never talked about my gender issues, which I couldn't bring myself to admit back then, she helped ween me off the pills, and gave me some direction towards helping myself. She made me admit to myself what the problems were and made me find the answers for myself. Once I could do this on my own without chemical help, the clouds just lifted. I still had my lifelong feelings about my gender but I was able to live with them, and eventually make a firm decision about what I wanted to do. Problems that seemed insurmountable back then, I now find easy because I can think clearly. I'm still filled with lots of doubts and niggling questions, which I suppose is normal, but I am working hard to iron them out, and with the help of the gender therapist I'm seeing soon, my goal should be clearly in sight.
I know everyones problems are different but I hope this helps.
Love
Bobbie XXX
