Hello everyone.
My name is Aiden. I'm FtM; 29 years old; and I live in south Texas, USA.
I'm brand new to everything. My whole life I've never fit into the "female" mold. My mom always said I was a tomboy. I always wanted to play with my brother in sports, with GI Joes, cars; basically all the typically "boy" stuff. I have 2 sisters as well and even if I did play with Barbies I always played with the male doll. I can remember feeling more like a boy even then.
Through the latter part of elementary school, while the boys and girls we starting to notice each other and being "boyfriend and girlfriend," I found myself being attracted to girls. My first crush was on a girl. My parents never talked about that kind of stuff, so I never grew up feeling like my feelings for girls was unnatural, but I could just sense that it wasn't "usual." I forced myself to try to like boys but I never felt any attraction to them. I never went on any dates with boys.
By high school we finally got internet at home, which exposed me to information that helped me realize things about myself. I was completely oblivious to what sexuality even was, so when I found out what it meant to be lesbian, I thought that explained why I liked girls, so that's what I identified as. It still didn't feel like it quite fit, but it was all I knew, so I just accepted it as is.
My first girlfriend (still a good friend) was great. I had just turned 17 when we started dating. She put up with my angsty BS. We had a lot of deep conversations and every now and then we would discuss gender. She confessed to me that she had wanted to be a guy at times. Talking about it made my feelings come to surface and I confessed that I felt the same, but while she was okay with her feelings, for me it was terrifying. The whole subject upset me and I felt like I couldn't actually admit that I wasn't really a girl. I had spent half my life being totally oblivious and when I started to acknowledge it, it frightened me. I looked up with being transgender meant and I knew that was me, but it felt so taboo that I didn't dare tell anyone else. From then on I suppressed how I really felt and just settled with being a lesbian.
Dreams of being a guy still persisted. I tried to keep my feelings squashed into a tiny box. As I got older, the box became impossible to keep closed. Throughout the years I kept coming back to searches of "transgender," still wondering if that's what I was. It all came to a head a couple of months ago. How I really felt started to conflict with my denial to the point that it would cause me a lot of stress and affected my depression.
I started to do more research about it. I felt like maybe I was just imagining things because other trans people seem to always say they've always known, even when very young, that they were trans. I can't say the same for myself, so I just kind of felt... broken.
I started talking to my good friend and she admitted she suspected it. I talked to my ex and she reminded me about the conversations we used to have about it. They were something I had totally forgotten about (or blocked), but it helped me make sense of things. I started to realize that it wasn't a phase or part of my imagination. I started to realize and accept that I am trans.
I began going to therapy to get my HRT letter and have been on that track for about a month now. I'm more than ready to start T and my therapist has hinted I'm close to getting my letter. I just need to find a doctor. I'm so happy to finally be on this path and to have so many wonderful resources at my disposal.
