One step at a time ? Nah really ?

[archlord]

I am so tired of how hard transitionning is.. Why does It have to be sooooooo difficult to become ourself ....  I am making fast progress in my transition and every time I see the next step and I tell myself that after this step I Will be happy and Just relax .. The truth is just the next step after is as hard and as much painful then the previous one... You Just dont see what is comming after because you are blind by a huge wall that You need to figure a way to get through ( if possible) ... Then when you finally are on the other side of this wall, you Just begin another marathon of crap and you need to climb another wall with no real clue of what is comming next ...

Is It getting better ? Nope sorry ... Not until you are fully transitionned . I feel like a Creature and Totally incomplete and there is nothing I can do to feel better ... I know that I Will be happy in 9-10 month after SRS but before there is no hope ....


Sorry for that depressive thread but no I am not happier after FFS and BA , I Just removed  my complexes and new one remplaced It that I couldnt see before ...


Seriously being trans is worse thing ever but did I have a choice ?! ...

[Ms Grace]

You're not wrong. But you're not right either. It really boils down to how you approach it, is every step going to be the worst thing ever or is it going to be a challenge, possibly life affirming. How you frame that is up to you. And please be wary of thinking anything about this process will be a panacea, a fix to make you happy. If you're not happy now what makes you think you'll be any happier after step ten or step eighteen in the process? Sorry to be blunt but there have been trans people who expected transition to make everything OK but they failed to deal with their expectations and depression and were no happier once they "completed their transition". Please don't trap yourself into that. hugs.

[archlord]

I am so lonely I have no friend at all . I wish I had a boyfriend( I have a lot of Guy hitting on me) but this thing down here is refraining me from having any relationship . ( no offense here) but I would feel like It is homosexual relationship and I have Totally no interest in doing any sexual activity this way . I tried once and I felt very good until.... His hands got down here and I realised I was fake and had this ugly thing down there . I left and returned home crying ... How should I deal with that ?! I want to have a real f->m relationship and everything that come with it

[stephaniec]

I guess it's different for me, my biggest hurdle was getting started on hormones . I so wanted them all my life and I finally got them. I'm a happy  little camper except to have all the dresses I'd liked to have and to get my weight down to fit in those dresses'

[Denise]

Archlord - My suggestion would be to relax. Do something for yourself.  If you can, take a trip somewhere and sit by a pool, read a book.  Assuming your avatar is of you, you look young, you have plenty of time to find someone (or more than one.) 

It's easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but try to relax, maybe even meditate.

[stephaniec]

I know what you mean. It's a long time since I've  been with anyone and having my body change the way I've always wanted it's making me increasingly more aware of wanting to be in someone's arms. It's bad, but I have to deal with it. I too don't want to be with a man unless I'm proper. It's a major conundrum . I have been thinking lately though that I could be holding myself to too high a standard.

[Ashey]

Well, I'd say you just literally need to get over yourself. You can find someone, but it's your own hang-ups that you need to overcome, so I would focus on those. I mean, I get it... I didn't have much interest in guys before I transitioned because I was never gay as a guy. Now? Well... it's different. I'm treated enough like a woman that it feels different and I've allowed myself to get with guys. Do I like it when they go down on me? Not particularly, but I've learned to just go with it if it happens. I mean, you want the whole female experience, try having a guy go down on you for over half an hour while you lay there bored, and decide to just fake an orgasm to get it over with. I think you just need to relax more and focus on the good. You're young, you're hawt, and I think you'll do fine if you can work through your insecurities.

[abd789]

Yes, Ashey ...  from what I have heard most guys are horrible in bed so that being a goal will most likely leave you disappointed yet again.

We really have to find a love for ourselves inside because all the outside stuff isnt going to suddenly make us perfect...
do you meditate? I dont get into position and make mmmm sounds, etc... but I find time alone, usually middle of nite when I wake and its quiet. I talk alot with myself and say as well as envision what I want, I think its powerful and helpful to our tortured minds

[KayXo]

SRS will help things with guys and I totally understand how you feel. 9 months isn't a long time but when you want to start doing things NOW, it can seem very long. I know! I can tell you're impatient, I understand. Surgical interventions are not what will make you truly happy in the end, however much they may help you physically. You are beginning to perhaps realize this or NOT. Some never do! There is something else going on and your emotions, your tears, your hopes, talking with others might help reveal what it is that is keeping you stuck, depressed, etc. Or perhaps, it's hormonal, physiological (i.e. Androcur and depression, lack of E, etc).

Maybe all you want is just to love yourself and hope this surgery or the next surgery or a guy will be the solution to finally loving yourself...perhaps you have unrealistic goals, perhaps there are some things you are unable to accept. I don't know. You need to figure this out and I know it's not easy...but is possible.

[starting_anew]

Ugh, sorry you feel this way archlord .  Hormones have been kind to me, but I often find myself wanting to rush through the first phases of transition too.

Just a note about meeting a guy: honestly, I had *completely* ruled out having a bf until having SRS, but I happened to meet somebody who was very careful not to pay attention to that part of my body until (and only if) I felt comfortable with that.  Once I trusted him enough to know that he was seeing me as a woman, it didn't feel wrong for him to stop pretending that part of my body didn't exist.  This may or may not work for you, but I'm just saying if the right person walks into your life, don't shut him out simply because of how you assume they might see/relate to your body.

[yokosoko]

Well, not sure if this helps, but I find, that while it won't make the frustration and pain go away it does make it more bearable.

Just consider yourself lucky to be born in this day and age, and that the options that you have actually exist, no matter how slow and painful it may be. Imagine if we'd been born 10 years ago... Or a hundred! My goodness! I'd have hated to be transgender in the 1800 O_o, with everyone so uptight and particular! At least in older civilizations you had more freedom of expression if not the medical know how to actually help us reach our physical selves.

So next time the maddening frustration sets in, just tell yourself well I'm a few weeks/months I'll get to do something that brings me closer to peace of mind. Something people half way across the world or 100 years ago couldn't do. And at least the frustration will have a silver lining to it


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[Eva Marie]

I'm sorry that you feel alone and lonely Archlord, and I completely get what you mean about being equipped wrong for intimacy having been in similar situations.

Maybe you are spending to much time thinking about your transition? It is true that we are transgender and we are at various points on the transition highway and the journey can be all consuming, but when you boil it down - we have a medical condition that should not consume us, should not be the total sum of who we are.

Listen to Ms. Grace - is reaching the finish line enough? When you get there are you still going to have these feelings?

Have you ever thought about getting out of your own head for awhile and immersing yourself in something that will take your mind off of things? One way I keep my mind from thinking about things too much is that I keep myself very, very busy - It keeps depressive thoughts away. When i'm sitting around doing nothing but thinking about things those thoughts and feelings tend to come back.

Maybe you can get involved - go back to school, take long hikes and enjoy being out in nature, get involved in charity work, volunteer - whatever you can do - to get out of your head, get away from your problems, and get yourself out into the world.

[Adchop]

"You will never be who you want to be, until you are happy with who you are."

-Thomas F. Shubnell