Peeling off nails and changing into "man clothes"

[Tasha_]

Background: my sister moved into my basement with her son.... Both know about my "state" (not sure exactly where I fit yet) and before they moved in, I made it clear that they are welcome to treat it like their own space, with the exception that there will be times when I want to be able to get pretty without worry of being anxious or uncomfortable in my own house.

So Friday after work, after making it clear for about a week this was coming, I got home, showered, shaved my body, tried on a new dress and got to work on my nails. I wear medium length and usually paint darker colors as I live in a small town where I happen to do work for nearly everybody who owns their home, and it's just easier to either not get tempted up or explain away. Following this I got to work practicing my makeup, witch still needs it, and we all had a great time. The next day, my nephew asked if he could have a friend stay the night, so far he has had his friend over every weekend since living here, and I expressed my need to feel comfortable in my house for the weekend.... Again. He got upset and said that he doesn't see the big deal if the kid is just told to stay in the basement, and I told him, that is not how our house works... We welcome company into our home without restrictions when we invite them over. After his outburst, and then talking to my sister, I felt so hurt  by the lack kg concern for my mental well being, and angered that they thought that even though I made it clear before they moved I  this would happen that I started feeling sick. Physically, I tried to take a pill to calm me down, but the only thing I could think kg to do was to remove the nails... Right now.... And put on some "man clothes"... I couldn't find the polish remover fast enough, so I took a knife and while trying to pull them off I actually ripped my thumbnail in half and peeled two others back .... Not that I haven't done worse at work, but the feeling of NEEDING to get the nails off was horrible. My wife started crying because she was worried I was about to start trying to repress myself again. I considered it for sure, but as she put it, it would be like killing a part of myself.

The next day, was able to talk to them, and straighten it all out. Everyone who resides in my house knows and is generally supportive, but that feeling I got was horrible. On the bright side though, it led me to not only decide to create an account here, but as much as wanting the nails off hurt made me realize that I was still repressing parts of my self. I decided it is time for an alternate persona for the time being.... Tasha at the moment but that's because I haven't talked to my wife about a name yet... And it made me realize that I think I really do want to be able to fully pass as a woman.

Up until now, I have told myself that it is just heels and stockings, then just the clothes... I'll never wear makeup or a bra... And those things have all started to nag at me... (The bra is to make me look like I have breasts, because I can't afford anything more elaborate... In which case I assume I'll need one to keep them in place) but, really, I don't know how to feel about the symbolism of ripping off my nails. It seems like such a small thing, but my loving and supportive wife cried because of it.... And I felt like I was twisted in a k knot.... But at the same time I couldn't stop myself.


Any feedback from someone who's had a similar experience or can help me to understand what happened would be great... I know that it can be hard for family to truly understand how hard it is... And I know it's unfair to force others to alter their lives in order for me to cope, but that is not what this post is about. I feel plenty justified in the fact that I have worked really bard to make a safe place for me to explore this, and I invited them in with conditions to help them out... So I try not to affect them too much and still explore myself and my deepest wants/needs/mental state/emotions without making a burden upon those around me.

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far, hope you all are doing great!!!

[sparrow]

This was me last year, almost to the day.  Only, my wife wasn't supportive and I used nail polish, so the symbolic removal was just some vigorous scrubbing with nail polish remover and my tears.  Oh boy.  The tears.

I went through a period of considering whether or not I identified as a woman, and I went through several deep cycles of repress/express.  I gradually came to recognize that repress/express cycle as a kind of genderfluidity, which is something that I experience in both short- and long-term fluctuations.  There are days when I feel very feminine and days when I feel very masculine; days when I don't feel either, and days when I feel both. 


Today, I try not to define my gender too precisely, as that was causing me a huge amount of stress.  I'm happy to be on HRT, and my gender expression varies quite a lot; ranging from "granola girl" to "tomboy" to "scruffy guy" to "metrosexual."  My wife is totally supportive, and I love her deeply because of it.

[Tasha_]

What is it like to be on hrt and still be fluid? I have been considering some kind of physical alteration to help me see on the outside what I feel on the inside, but with the fluctuations and my job... It's hard to imagine how I could do it and still be fluid. I work construction, so of course it's kind of a masculine field... But I feel feminine even when I'm lifting 800 lb beams. I have a fairly small frame considering how I can perform at my job.... And then I am also considering hrt, but again, from what I've read so far, there could be affects included with it that I don't want.... Lowered sex drive, and losing the ability to penetrate... (My wife and I love our sex life, and as much as I want to change, I do not want that to change) have there been any of those issues with you? If you are not comfortable answering here I understand.... I've just learned that you can trust everything you read.... And I don't know where to go to get answers for those kinds of questions. The funny thing about the masculine side popping out, is that it's only when I am really hurt and / or angry.....

Thank you for your reply, it helps having someone to talk to !!!

Tasha

[rachel_grr]

This was me last year, almost to the day.  Only, my wife wasn't supportive and I used nail polish, so the symbolic removal was just some vigorous scrubbing with nail polish remover and my tears.  Oh boy.  The tears.

I went through a period of considering whether or not I identified as a woman, and I went through several deep cycles of repress/express.  I gradually came to recognize that repress/express cycle as a kind of genderfluidity, which is something that I experience in both short- and long-term fluctuations.  There are days when I feel very feminine and days when I feel very masculine; days when I don't feel either, and days when I feel both. 


Today, I try not to define my gender too precisely, as that was causing me a huge amount of stress.  I'm happy to be on HRT, and my gender expression varies quite a lot; ranging from "granola girl" to "tomboy" to "scruffy guy" to "metrosexual."  My wife is totally supportive, and I love her deeply because of it.

Yeah, that's amazing! and encouraging. So a doctor would prescribe hormones to you even if you wouldn't always be identifying as a woman?

[cheryl reeves]

 I have a fairly small frame considering how I can perform at my job.... And then I am also considering hrt, but again, from what I've read so far, there could be affects included with it that I don't want.... Lowered sex drive, and losing the ability to penetrate... (My wife and I love our sex life, and as much as I want to change, I do not want that to change) have there been any of those issues with you? If you are not comfortable answering here I understand.... I've just learned that you can trust everything you read.... And I don't know where to go to get answers for those kinds of questions. The funny thing about the masculine side popping out, is that it's only when I am really hurt and / or angry.....

Thank you for your reply, it helps having someone to talk to !!!

Tasha





This is why I decided against hrt,for I also like penatrative sex with my wife. That was one compromise we both agreed on since I have natural b cup breasts,even back when I weighed 130 lbs,puberty was nasty for me for when I grew breasts I quit going shirtless..remember its your life so live it. As for family they need to respect boundries also so work together and it will work out.

[sparrow]

So... two things about my genderfluidity.  The first is that it's mellowed the hell out, which is great.  I still experience it; the only negative is when I feel like I'm stressed out; I occasionally slam back into "toxic boy mode" and I get weird about everything about my gender (and I'd rather hide away and deny that it ever happened)... but that's rare these days -- for the most part, the fluctuations are mild enough that I only notice in response to gendered triggers.  The second is that when I'm not stressed out, boy mode is pretty much okay with looking feminine -- he had some fun cross dressing and likes how my body looks.

So, diminished libido, for me, is pretty much neutral.  The funny thing about a lack of desire is that it isn't troubling -- I think it's nice to have say in when I want to have sex, and I don't waste time masturbating twice (or more) a day like I used to.  It's nice to be able to proposition my wife for sex, get turned down and not get cranky -- respecting boundaries was always a major challenge for me when I was horny, and now that's a lot easier.  My libido is similar to my wife's now.  But we definitely have less sex -- morning wood was responsible for at least 2/3 of the sex we had, and that doesn't happen anymore... since I was always pretty self-centered for morning sex, I suspect that my wife is okay with sleeping in more often.

I haven't lost function, but I do find it a little harder to keep it up... but honestly that's been slowly building for the last 10 years or so.  Next time I see my doctor I'm gonna get some viagra.  However.  My wife appreciates the physical changes that hrt has brought about, and I'm feeling a lot sexier now that my body is fitting me better, so that's making it easier to get and stay aroused.   Of course, hrt affects us all differently and I suspect that there's a strong psychosomatic component to it.

On the topic of doctors... I found a doctor who follows the WPATH guide for informed consent.  I told her that I was transgender and that I wanted to try low-dose HRT... and away we went.  Eventually she sent me to an endo who is a bit of a pusher, to be honest.

There are a few negatives of HRT for me.  Primarily, I've always been tough as nails and I'm losing that.  My muscles get more sore, and faster.  Bumping into things hurts like it never used to.  I've lost explosive power and I'm getting weaker day by day, but I still feel as confident as I used to... the next time I take a fall might be a very rude awakening.

[rachel_grr]

@sparrow

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I've always wanted to at least try a low dosage to see how I respond. I've always found it puzzling if HRT had to be all or nothing. Yeah, the weakness is the second main reason (first being sterile) why I have reservations about HRT. I leisurely play basketball where I'm known for my explosiveness, and it would be really sad to lose that. I was wondering just how much I'd be affected, and it sounds quite significant.

[sparrow]

I should point out that I don't exercise almost at all.  I've never needed to... I just got muscular when I was 16, and I've stayed muscular up 'til I started noticing about a month ago, regardless of my activity level.  Now, it looks like I need to exercise if I want to stay strong.

[Tasha_]

Thanks for the info... I think my wife likes my libido as is.... Lol.... But that is great about the fluidity mellowing... I think that I am slowly finding it easier to go back and forth.... As I am not ready to go all the way get.... So far I have been able to keep things from making me want to give it up completely, but it's still tough not to feel so.... Attacked.... For being I secure sometimes.... I wo see if top surgery would be a viable option? For now  though, my wife KS still vetting used to me stuffing a bra, so I am currently I  the market for some b-cup forms to see how we feel about that.... Although I think when she gets comfortable it's that I'd like to try C's.... I think they would help hide my broader shoulders....


Thanks again Sparrow, I appreciate the feedback!!!

Tasha

[Claire_Sydney]

I leisurely play basketball where I'm known for my explosiveness, and it would be really sad to lose that. I was wondering just how much I'd be affected, and it sounds quite significant.

I'm in a similar boat. I've been on full dose HRT for about 2.5 months now.

As a classically trained ballet dancer, I'm known for explosive jumps and very fast turns. My arms are a little weak, but my quads and calves are solid, toned muscle. I can sense I'm just starting to lose it a little now.

I've never welcomed my muscular physique, but I do enjoy the sense of virility and independence that comes from being strong.

It seems like a bit of an unfair trade because I won't be able to jump like a guy in future, yet I'll never have the arc radius in my hip sockets to be as flexible as the other girls.

Still; If I look at it a little more objectively, I was probably going to start losing that plyometric strength in 4-5 years anyhow because of age. And I'm happy to let it go for all the other benefits I'm gaining from my transition.

I might not be able to jump a foot above everybody else in the studio anymore, but I can still enjoy dancing. I think you can still enjoy basketball too!

[Tasha_]

I am considering top survery, very tentatively for now because frankly, I like being strong, and I like my libido as much as my wife. It seems like HRT would have a good chance at messing with those things. If I had started before puberty, I think I would feel different. I want wide hips, and less hair growth, and real breasts, I just think that starting HRT now would limit it's affects since I am 35 years old. I am emotional enough now, and don't know how to proceed yet.... So maybe a therapist is in order?? Lol...


Thank you all for your input so far!! I love having people to talk to finally!!!


Tasha